(no subject)

[bay_bay22]

Yeah, so....I hung out with Shawn Monday to try to talk about everything that's been going on lately and that didn't go as well as I would've liked it to have gone. We argued some more, which isn't a big difference. Then I hung out with him today. We went down to the beach and sat down at the end of the Pier for two hours talking. It went pretty well actually. We talked about everything. I feel horrible about what I did to him, dating his best friend so quickly after we broke up. I didn't want to hurt him at all. Things just kinda happened this way. I'm not saying that I regret being with Chad, because I don't. I love being with him but I think we rushed into things. I pretty much know where I stand with all of this now but I still have to choose the lesser of two evils. Hurt Shawn again by staying with Chad and losing Shawn as a friend all together or going back to Shawn, hurting Chad in the process and pretty much losing him as a friend because Shawn won't be able to trust us around each other which I understand but it's kind of difficult to have a friendship with someone if you can't hang out with them. I don't want to lose either of them in my life, but that doesn't seem like a possibility from any direction that this situation is looked at.

I miss Shawn and I do want to be back with him but we had our chance and I screwed it up and now I have my chance with Chad and I don't want to screw that up. I don't know completely what to do. I feel I'm being totally unfair to Chad because my heart is still with Shawn and I don't know how to change that. Chad deserves someone who can love him as much as he loves them. Everyone deserves that. Right now I don't feel like that is me. He said he doesn't think I'm being unfair but I don't understand how he can think that.

If anyone has any advice or thinks they might be able to help a little bit let me know. I guess that's all I have so yeah...