therealljidol Season 10-Week 5: Fear is the Heart of Love
I picked up the phone, placed my finger over the entry in my contacts for The Seeing Eye. I then locked my phone and put it away.
I did this several times before I actually placed the call to the training department. I wondered what they would think after only receiving Esther, my seventh guide dog a year and a half ago.
Esther developed an autoimmune condition called Symmetric Lupoid Onychodystrophy. This condition caused her to lose all but one of her toenails, and on top of this she developed a major infection in her feet. After many trips to the vet, medication, and soaking her feet to clear up the infection, I decided, after working her and finding her reluctance to walk making it almost impossible for her to be an effective guide, to retire my little black lab.
What would the trainers think? Would they think I gave up too soon? Would they not accept me into a class in the very near future? All of these thoughts ran through my head as I waited for the return phone call from a trainer.
It’s always a difficult decision to retire a dog, no matter what the circumstances. There is so much work, both physically and emotionally, put into creating a working team. Since this decision came after such a short time there also was the guilt factor on top of it. Did I not put in enough effort? Should I tough it out and use my cane and hope Esther could recover enough to work again?
I researched the condition and found that even though her feet will heal; the problem could recur, causing me to have to be without a guide again for weeks or even months.
After speaking with a trainer and exchanging several emails with updates as to Esther’s condition, I made the hard decision to insist on retirement. I could tell that the director of training was not absolutely convinced that I should retire her. I think he would have preferred for me to wait. I, however, have lost a great deal of vision and using my cane while waiting for a recovery that was uncertain, was not an option in my mind.
I waited for a final decision as to whether my request to go back into class would be accepted. Meanwhile I was using my cane to go anywhere. My cane skills are adequate but after working with dogs for over 30 years, it is not something I am comfortable about doing. I could feel the strain in every muscle of my body because I was much more tense when traveling. I found myself being reluctant to go anywhere without having someone with me, whereas when I worked with a dog the fear of going out was never an issue. I didn’t like this feeling, as it was so foreign to me.
The call came and I was accepted into the January class. Unlike previous times when I’ve retired a dog, I was less excited and more nervous, and even fearful, of going back to the Seeing Eye. My head knew it needed to happen but I had all sorts of irrational feelings about working with a new dog. To this day I can’t tell why this was. I knew the trainers. I knew what to expect. I let the manager of the class know what I wanted in a dog and why. But there was a fear there that was never there in my previous returns to get a new dog.
The day came when I was to leave. I packed my suitcase the day before. I had a hard time walking out the door and saying good-bye to Esther. Again, intellectually I knew I was making the right decision for her and for me. But looking at Esther, curled up in her chair, I almost said I’d wait to see what happened. The funny part was that Esther didn’t seem to care that I was leaving without her and hadn’t cared for quite some time. I knew I was being ridiculous.
A short plane trip and a van ride later I arrived at the familiar place known as the Seeing Eye. The greetings were like coming home. The staff gave hugs and welcomes. My room was familiar and I started to feel better.
But there was the waiting time before a four legged creature was given to me. Trying to keep my thoughts from running away with me was a constant effort. I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours a night for two nights.
When Yale, my new dog bounded into my room, jumped on me and gave me a sloppy golden retriever slurp, my fears vanished. I knew we’d be OK. It was love at first hug. I know there is enough love for me to let another guide into my life while loving Esther for the lazy house pet she has become. It will be a journey for all of us and there will be fear. There will be work. And there will be love.
Thanks to all who have supported me so far in this season of therealljidol. It is much appreciated. I hope you will read and comment on the many great entries from wonderful writers in this season’s competition!
I did this several times before I actually placed the call to the training department. I wondered what they would think after only receiving Esther, my seventh guide dog a year and a half ago.
Esther developed an autoimmune condition called Symmetric Lupoid Onychodystrophy. This condition caused her to lose all but one of her toenails, and on top of this she developed a major infection in her feet. After many trips to the vet, medication, and soaking her feet to clear up the infection, I decided, after working her and finding her reluctance to walk making it almost impossible for her to be an effective guide, to retire my little black lab.
What would the trainers think? Would they think I gave up too soon? Would they not accept me into a class in the very near future? All of these thoughts ran through my head as I waited for the return phone call from a trainer.
It’s always a difficult decision to retire a dog, no matter what the circumstances. There is so much work, both physically and emotionally, put into creating a working team. Since this decision came after such a short time there also was the guilt factor on top of it. Did I not put in enough effort? Should I tough it out and use my cane and hope Esther could recover enough to work again?
I researched the condition and found that even though her feet will heal; the problem could recur, causing me to have to be without a guide again for weeks or even months.
After speaking with a trainer and exchanging several emails with updates as to Esther’s condition, I made the hard decision to insist on retirement. I could tell that the director of training was not absolutely convinced that I should retire her. I think he would have preferred for me to wait. I, however, have lost a great deal of vision and using my cane while waiting for a recovery that was uncertain, was not an option in my mind.
I waited for a final decision as to whether my request to go back into class would be accepted. Meanwhile I was using my cane to go anywhere. My cane skills are adequate but after working with dogs for over 30 years, it is not something I am comfortable about doing. I could feel the strain in every muscle of my body because I was much more tense when traveling. I found myself being reluctant to go anywhere without having someone with me, whereas when I worked with a dog the fear of going out was never an issue. I didn’t like this feeling, as it was so foreign to me.
The call came and I was accepted into the January class. Unlike previous times when I’ve retired a dog, I was less excited and more nervous, and even fearful, of going back to the Seeing Eye. My head knew it needed to happen but I had all sorts of irrational feelings about working with a new dog. To this day I can’t tell why this was. I knew the trainers. I knew what to expect. I let the manager of the class know what I wanted in a dog and why. But there was a fear there that was never there in my previous returns to get a new dog.
The day came when I was to leave. I packed my suitcase the day before. I had a hard time walking out the door and saying good-bye to Esther. Again, intellectually I knew I was making the right decision for her and for me. But looking at Esther, curled up in her chair, I almost said I’d wait to see what happened. The funny part was that Esther didn’t seem to care that I was leaving without her and hadn’t cared for quite some time. I knew I was being ridiculous.
A short plane trip and a van ride later I arrived at the familiar place known as the Seeing Eye. The greetings were like coming home. The staff gave hugs and welcomes. My room was familiar and I started to feel better.
But there was the waiting time before a four legged creature was given to me. Trying to keep my thoughts from running away with me was a constant effort. I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours a night for two nights.
When Yale, my new dog bounded into my room, jumped on me and gave me a sloppy golden retriever slurp, my fears vanished. I knew we’d be OK. It was love at first hug. I know there is enough love for me to let another guide into my life while loving Esther for the lazy house pet she has become. It will be a journey for all of us and there will be fear. There will be work. And there will be love.
Thanks to all who have supported me so far in this season of therealljidol. It is much appreciated. I hope you will read and comment on the many great entries from wonderful writers in this season’s competition!