therealljidol Season 10-week 2: That One Friend
Some relationships end in a ball of fire; screaming, crying, storming out of the room vowing never to speak to each other again. Others end with a slowly extinguishing flame, ending with the final embers gradually dying in a slow hiss.
That wasn’t the case with an over 10 year friendship. It might have been easier if it exploded.
When a friend becomes ill, either physically or their increasingly serious mental health issues become overwhelming, the feeling of all-encompassing helplessness can occur. The line between friend and caretaker can be blurred and it becomes impossible to separate the two.
Watching someone’s once vibrant personality change drastically to someone I hardly knew was worse than a death. Actually it was a death of sorts. The person I knew who could laugh, engage in a conversation about the latest books, food, music, or what was happening in the world could only talk about the latest ailment, be it the pain or the depression that consumed her. Evenings watching TV, drinking hot cocoa or gossiping about mutual acquaintances were replaced by checking in to make sure there was no need to call an ambulance, the mental health crisis team or worse.
Trying to get support from other friends was a balancing act. The increasing frustration with the situation was causing a strain on my own health. I needed to vent but I also wanted to be sensitive to what was happening. I found myself retreating because I didn’t know what was safe to talk about and what was not. My online presence, whether it be on Live Journal, Facebook or Twitter stalled to almost nothing. I retreated into the world of books and a couple of non-connected friends who would listen. I feared that I would burn those friends out so I began to hide even from them.
My sense of self-preservation kicked in. It was complicated by feelings of guilt that I couldn’t do more, and after a while didn’t want to. All I wanted was out. It became an endless wheel of spinning emotions in my head.
All of this happened while my mother’s and stepfather’s health was declining. I had to make difficult decisions and also had to deal with family members who lived farther away so could give their “expert” opinions without having to deflect the arrows being flung at me by my parents. I didn’t have enough limbs to be pulled in as many directions as they needed to be, and I was stretched to the breaking point.
The situation ended when distance of many miles separated us. I could hardly say good-bye. I just wanted space. I wanted my life back. I wanted peace and freedom from worry.
I grieved for my friend. I grieved for the loss of what could not be repaired. There was a hole in my heart that I needed to try to fill with pleasant memories, not the constantly buzzing anger that was worse than a nest of hornets.
It’s taken almost two years. What began our friendship, the safety of online communication, is now where we are. We have started to pick up a guarded and sporadic communication.
I never stopped caring. I, however, need boundaries and I now have them. The anger, frustration and sadness has faded into the background and rarely surfaces. I can wish her well and can hear about my friend’s life in small doses, knowing that I did what I could within my own limits.
I only hope she knows. We have really not talked about the issues of the past and maybe we never will. We might just gloss over the past, choosing to keep the highly charged issues locked away.
It might be for the best. Only time will tell. I don’t know if I’m totally healed from the whole thing. I do know that it changed me and my protective walls go up much more quickly than they used to. I don’t know if I’ll ever let someone in that closely again.
This is my entry for week two of season 10 of therealljidol. I’ll post the poll when it is up. I hope you will take the time to read the other fabulous entries this week!
That wasn’t the case with an over 10 year friendship. It might have been easier if it exploded.
When a friend becomes ill, either physically or their increasingly serious mental health issues become overwhelming, the feeling of all-encompassing helplessness can occur. The line between friend and caretaker can be blurred and it becomes impossible to separate the two.
Watching someone’s once vibrant personality change drastically to someone I hardly knew was worse than a death. Actually it was a death of sorts. The person I knew who could laugh, engage in a conversation about the latest books, food, music, or what was happening in the world could only talk about the latest ailment, be it the pain or the depression that consumed her. Evenings watching TV, drinking hot cocoa or gossiping about mutual acquaintances were replaced by checking in to make sure there was no need to call an ambulance, the mental health crisis team or worse.
Trying to get support from other friends was a balancing act. The increasing frustration with the situation was causing a strain on my own health. I needed to vent but I also wanted to be sensitive to what was happening. I found myself retreating because I didn’t know what was safe to talk about and what was not. My online presence, whether it be on Live Journal, Facebook or Twitter stalled to almost nothing. I retreated into the world of books and a couple of non-connected friends who would listen. I feared that I would burn those friends out so I began to hide even from them.
My sense of self-preservation kicked in. It was complicated by feelings of guilt that I couldn’t do more, and after a while didn’t want to. All I wanted was out. It became an endless wheel of spinning emotions in my head.
All of this happened while my mother’s and stepfather’s health was declining. I had to make difficult decisions and also had to deal with family members who lived farther away so could give their “expert” opinions without having to deflect the arrows being flung at me by my parents. I didn’t have enough limbs to be pulled in as many directions as they needed to be, and I was stretched to the breaking point.
The situation ended when distance of many miles separated us. I could hardly say good-bye. I just wanted space. I wanted my life back. I wanted peace and freedom from worry.
I grieved for my friend. I grieved for the loss of what could not be repaired. There was a hole in my heart that I needed to try to fill with pleasant memories, not the constantly buzzing anger that was worse than a nest of hornets.
It’s taken almost two years. What began our friendship, the safety of online communication, is now where we are. We have started to pick up a guarded and sporadic communication.
I never stopped caring. I, however, need boundaries and I now have them. The anger, frustration and sadness has faded into the background and rarely surfaces. I can wish her well and can hear about my friend’s life in small doses, knowing that I did what I could within my own limits.
I only hope she knows. We have really not talked about the issues of the past and maybe we never will. We might just gloss over the past, choosing to keep the highly charged issues locked away.
It might be for the best. Only time will tell. I don’t know if I’m totally healed from the whole thing. I do know that it changed me and my protective walls go up much more quickly than they used to. I don’t know if I’ll ever let someone in that closely again.
This is my entry for week two of season 10 of therealljidol. I’ll post the poll when it is up. I hope you will take the time to read the other fabulous entries this week!