Fic: Hallelujah, Act III/III

[bauble]

Hallelujah

Act III
Master post of all chapters and art here.

When Michael left his body, he apparently left Dean in a coma for

Comments

[lorelei76]

I felt so ambivalent after finishing the story - I honestly had to sit for a while and think whether I liked it or if I felt let down by it.

Let me explain: I think this was beautifully written, and so real. Thus the whole let down feeling: I was right there in Dean's head wondering where the fuck the happy ending was and the goddamned unicorns and rainbows. Instead, Dean was so lost and unable to function without anyone depending on him, and w/out anyone to depend on. He was just so willfully blind: all he had to do was ask for what he really wanted (Cas) and not what he thought he wanted (Sam and the life they had before the Apocalypse).

I love his slow epiphany at the museum: the parallel between his obsession on figuring out the Guernica and his life, and the realization that there's more to the museum (to life) than that one painting. And that it could be as simple, yet earthshaking, than peace at the bottom of a bowl.

Thank you for writing this - I felt like I was put through a wringer and I might need some unicorns and rainbows and cupcakes to recuperate. But it was a good kind of hurt to read this.

[wickedvirtue]

I think I'm with you, after all this. Dean's stubborn, and an ass, and he takes it out on both Sam and Cas (who learned to be each other's strength and support in his absence) and made this all harder to take than it should've been. Both Sam and Cas were right to do what they did, for themselves, but my god did it make me ache for Dean, floundering like he was.

Reality is so much harder to take with these guys. The mundane feels like... such a let-down. A failure, even. When it's perfectly alright, were it anyone but them.

(This is all to say I liked this, a whole bunch, and it made me both think and feel.)

:)

[lorelei76]

"The mundane feels like... such a let-down. A failure, even. When it's perfectly alright, were it anyone but them."

I completely agree. And I think that's why I had such a tough time reading through this fic. I had to seriously convince myself that 1) I trust bauble 2) writing this painfully good is worth the effort and 3) the payout will be exactly what I need, even if it's not necessarily what I want.

I respect this piece of writing because it wasn't easy to finish. I appreciate this kind of writing because it makes you work for the satisfaction of finishing it. I think fanfic has a tendency to make the readers lazy and self-complacent - we have a set idea of who these characters are and what they're going to do and hey, happy ending for everyone! But once in a while you read a fic like this that takes your perceptions of these characters, shifts them that one, unexpected, yet absolutely true degree, and WHAM. You end up on your ass, blinking, wondering what the fuck just hit you and hey, you kinda liked it.

[bauble]

Dean's stubborn, and an ass, and he takes it out on both Sam and Cas (who learned to be each other's strength and support in his absence) and made this all harder to take than it should've been.

Yes, exactly. As hard as it was, in some ways Dean being gone all those six months was a good thing for both Sam and Castiel because it forced them to confront who they are without Dean defining them. And unfortunately, Dean, when he comes to, doesn't have the benefit of the time and perspective that Sam & Castiel have acquired--and is expecting a smooth transition back into the needy, codependent relationships he's had with them for so long.

Reality is so much harder to take with these guys. The mundane feels like... such a let-down. A failure, even. When it's perfectly alright, were it anyone but them.

Even when Dean's in a small town, he's still always fighting epic battles and larger than life things. Watching him wrestle with mundane problems in mundane settings seems like such a strange and disappointing juxtaposition. But I think it's more compelling because this is precisely what Dean doesn't know how to actually cope with and handle: a normal life.

This is all to say I liked this, a whole bunch, and it made me both think and feel.

Thank you so much for your insightful comments, and I'm so glad you liked it :)

[bauble]

He was just so willfully blind: all he had to do was ask for what he really wanted (Cas) and not what he thought he wanted (Sam and the life they had before the Apocalypse).

Yes, exactly. There's a terrible vulnerability in actually allowing yourself to want things, to ask for them and risk being told "no." It's much easier to fall back into routine or nostalgia, to try to go back to the good ole days even if the good ole days had their fair share of problems--after all, at least they are familiar.

I love his slow epiphany at the museum: the parallel between his obsession on figuring out the Guernica and his life, and the realization that there's more to the museum (to life) than that one painting. And that it could be as simple, yet earthshaking, than peace at the bottom of a bowl.

It's ironic because Dean doesn't think that this painting is affecting him the way it should be, because it's not the way it's affecting everyone else. But the truth is that it's profoundly affected him by inspiring to come back over and over again, to try to understand, to try to figure out his own life. And given the things that Dean's seen and gone through, of course he wouldn't react to a painting about war the way normal people would. How could he? He's already lived it.

Thank you for writing this - I felt like I was put through a wringer and I might need some unicorns and rainbows and cupcakes to recuperate. But it was a good kind of hurt to read this.

Thank you so much for your lovely, thoughtful comments. I know that this fic wasn't exactly easy to read--it deals with a lot of hard material and it can be painful to watch a character you care about suffer.

But I really wanted to write an honest story that digs deep into all the pain that Dean's gone through (and will continue to go through) without brushing it all under the rug or waving it away with my magic author's wand by the end of the story. What's much more satisfying and interesting to me is when a character struggle through and find the fortitude within themselves to pull through to the other side. The ending's not happy, but it is hopeful, and that's a start.