FIC: Open Super-Mouth, Insert Super-Foot
Title: Open Super-Mouth, Insert Super-Foot
Pairing: Batman/Superman
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Hookers
Spoilers: Superman voices his issues with Batman's latest crime-fighting scheme. Batman distracts him from said issues by offering too much information.
Warnings: None really. TimRobin appears, but this is more comical than sexual.
Word Count: 1,238
Disclaimer: Not my characters. Also, this one was not beta'd so all mistakes or effups are mine.
Once again, tell me what you think I should improve on.
Open Super-Mouth, Insert Super-Foot
"I can't BELIEVE you're sending Tim out dressed like that!" Superman exclaimed as he handed Batman the data sticks that he had flown to the Bat cave with. "This is too much, even for you, Bruce!"
Batman narrowed his eyes as he took the sticks and placed them in a drawer. He shot Superman one of his most menacing looks. "There is a homicidal maniac loose on the streets of Gotham who's raping and beheading hookers. I'm sending Tim undercover as a hooker in order to help catch him," he said in his most grating voice.
Superman crossed his arms and narrowed his own eyes at the cowl-less face of Batman. After a staring contest with Batman that he *knew* he had no chance of winning, he gave up and turned around. He took a long look at Tim, who was leaning beside a computer in the Bat cave watching Batman and Superman in amusement. Tim had full makeup on, and had donned a brown Bob-style wig. He was dressed in an outfit that would make Black Canary blush. Superman thought he looked stunning. Superman glanced at Tim's "cleavage" and wondered how Batman had managed to make it look so real. His eyed the place where Tim's package *should* have been, and wondered how it managed to have "disappeared" like that. He thought about using his X-ray vision to find out, but quickly (and guiltily) berated himself mentally for even considering the thought.
"Seriously, this is just too much. Couldn't you send him undercover as a guy trying to pick up hookers?" Superman asked.
Batman rolled his eyes at Superman, and picked up his cape and cowl. "Superman, this killer doesn't kill unless the hooker is alone. The killer also doesn't kill hookers who have pimps hanging around. I need Tim to go in undercover AS a hooker, and nothing else. I don't know why you're making such an issue out of this. You know I wouldn't be sending him on this dangerous mission if I didn't believe in his abilities as Robin AND if *I* could have convincingly worn an outfit like that," Batman replied in his "I'm right, you're wrong, now shut the hell up" voice.
Superman's eyebrows shot up. "You... you didn't actually considered wearing something like that to catch this killer, did you?" he stuttered out.
"Of course I did, Clark. Hell, I even tried an outfit on." Batman grumbled while pulling on his cowl.
"Wha... What? You actually tried *THAT* outfit on?" Superman asked in a small, child-like voice.
"Oh no, not *THAT* outfit. I knew I definitely had no chance of fooling anyone by simply wearing a strapless leather corset and a low-rise skirt. I tried on a short, tight, long-sleeved shiny red dress," Batman commented as he put on and adjusted his utility belt. "I probably would have gotten away with that look if my arms and legs weren't so bulky. The killer only kills off female hookers, not male hookers or cross-dressers. I looked fairly feminine in the face after I applied the makeup and put on the wig, but that wasn't enough. Even after I applied the fake breasts and donned a painful corset that felt and looked like it was mashing my insides together, my overall body frame still gave me away."
Tim snickered and added "You should have seen him, he was *HOT*. Tight red dress, lace-up red boots, red lipstick, and a long strawberry-blond wig. I asked him to go to the prom with me, but he turned me down flat."
"Shut up, Tim." Batman said lightly. He looked over at Superman, who was standing and staring at him with a slack-jawed and wide-eyed expression, as if he'd grown three extra heads and a tail. "What?" Batman asked.
"Guh... uh... nothing. Just... nothing," Superman shook his head, as if that would clear his mind of the arousing mental image of Bruce dressed as a hooker.
"It's just... I would have liked to have seen that," Superman joked.
Batman snapped his head up from what he was doing and gave his long-time friend a *LOOK*. Superman slowly realized how his last comment could be taken out of context.
"Uh, I mean, it was probably a nice... I mean amusing sight and it would have been fun to watch... er... see you dress-up... uh... *dressed-up* like that!" Superman stammered out. Batman was still giving him a hard, pondering look. Superman blushed. After several more seconds (which seemed like hours to Superman), Batman spoke.
"Soooo... you'd have liked to see me dressed as a hooker? No wait, you started to say you'd have liked to WATCH me dress up like a hooker. I didn't realize you were in to that kind of thing," Batman quipped.
"Oh God," Superman groaned in despair. He realized that he had just set himself up for the Batman to make fun of him. Again. For a long time.
"I mean, all this time I thought you were a goody two-shoes Boy Scout, and I assumed you were completely Vanilla when it came to those sorts of things. Who knew your secret desires were so... kinky." Batman said in a taunting voice. Tim snickered again as he got into the Batmobile.
"Please, just stop." Superman muttered as he slunk down onto Batman's computer chair. He rubbed his temples.
Batman walked up behind the chair and leaned down. "I'll check my schedule and see when I can fit you in, or better yet 'fit in it' for you," he whispered lustily in Superman's ear.
Superman abruptly turned around while still in the chair to look at the Dark Knight, who had already turned around to make his way towards the Batmobile. He jumped out of the chair and followed quickly while calling out to Batman. "Bruce? Bruce, wait! What do you mean by that?"
The Batman didn't answer, he just turned around to look at Superman and smiled. He got into the Batmobile with Tim, and drove off while Superman was still staring at the spot where Batman had stood when he smiled.
Superman reflected on what Batman meant by his parting words. He then remembered the rare (and almost... predatory) smile on Batman's face. He shook his head, resignedly. "No good can come of the conversation that just happened here," he muttered before he made his way out of the cave and back to Metropolis.
The End?
--------------
Okay, this came to mind yesterday after reading someone's request for me to write for the hooker prompt. Once again, let me know what you think but remember that Superboy-Prime is on my payroll I should improve on. This is a completely different style than the NC-17 fic I wrote though. I *might* do a follow-up on this, but I have no idea as of yet how I would approach it. I'm also still plotting out a death fic I have an idea for (which ironically I have the beginning and end to but not the middle). I'm going to do some forensics and detective-methods research on that one...
Pairing: Batman/Superman
Rating: PG-13
Prompt: Hookers
Spoilers: Superman voices his issues with Batman's latest crime-fighting scheme. Batman distracts him from said issues by offering too much information.
Warnings: None really. TimRobin appears, but this is more comical than sexual.
Word Count: 1,238
Disclaimer: Not my characters. Also, this one was not beta'd so all mistakes or effups are mine.
Once again, tell me what you think I should improve on.
Open Super-Mouth, Insert Super-Foot
"I can't BELIEVE you're sending Tim out dressed like that!" Superman exclaimed as he handed Batman the data sticks that he had flown to the Bat cave with. "This is too much, even for you, Bruce!"
Batman narrowed his eyes as he took the sticks and placed them in a drawer. He shot Superman one of his most menacing looks. "There is a homicidal maniac loose on the streets of Gotham who's raping and beheading hookers. I'm sending Tim undercover as a hooker in order to help catch him," he said in his most grating voice.
Superman crossed his arms and narrowed his own eyes at the cowl-less face of Batman. After a staring contest with Batman that he *knew* he had no chance of winning, he gave up and turned around. He took a long look at Tim, who was leaning beside a computer in the Bat cave watching Batman and Superman in amusement. Tim had full makeup on, and had donned a brown Bob-style wig. He was dressed in an outfit that would make Black Canary blush. Superman thought he looked stunning. Superman glanced at Tim's "cleavage" and wondered how Batman had managed to make it look so real. His eyed the place where Tim's package *should* have been, and wondered how it managed to have "disappeared" like that. He thought about using his X-ray vision to find out, but quickly (and guiltily) berated himself mentally for even considering the thought.
"Seriously, this is just too much. Couldn't you send him undercover as a guy trying to pick up hookers?" Superman asked.
Batman rolled his eyes at Superman, and picked up his cape and cowl. "Superman, this killer doesn't kill unless the hooker is alone. The killer also doesn't kill hookers who have pimps hanging around. I need Tim to go in undercover AS a hooker, and nothing else. I don't know why you're making such an issue out of this. You know I wouldn't be sending him on this dangerous mission if I didn't believe in his abilities as Robin AND if *I* could have convincingly worn an outfit like that," Batman replied in his "I'm right, you're wrong, now shut the hell up" voice.
Superman's eyebrows shot up. "You... you didn't actually considered wearing something like that to catch this killer, did you?" he stuttered out.
"Of course I did, Clark. Hell, I even tried an outfit on." Batman grumbled while pulling on his cowl.
"Wha... What? You actually tried *THAT* outfit on?" Superman asked in a small, child-like voice.
"Oh no, not *THAT* outfit. I knew I definitely had no chance of fooling anyone by simply wearing a strapless leather corset and a low-rise skirt. I tried on a short, tight, long-sleeved shiny red dress," Batman commented as he put on and adjusted his utility belt. "I probably would have gotten away with that look if my arms and legs weren't so bulky. The killer only kills off female hookers, not male hookers or cross-dressers. I looked fairly feminine in the face after I applied the makeup and put on the wig, but that wasn't enough. Even after I applied the fake breasts and donned a painful corset that felt and looked like it was mashing my insides together, my overall body frame still gave me away."
Tim snickered and added "You should have seen him, he was *HOT*. Tight red dress, lace-up red boots, red lipstick, and a long strawberry-blond wig. I asked him to go to the prom with me, but he turned me down flat."
"Shut up, Tim." Batman said lightly. He looked over at Superman, who was standing and staring at him with a slack-jawed and wide-eyed expression, as if he'd grown three extra heads and a tail. "What?" Batman asked.
"Guh... uh... nothing. Just... nothing," Superman shook his head, as if that would clear his mind of the arousing mental image of Bruce dressed as a hooker.
"It's just... I would have liked to have seen that," Superman joked.
Batman snapped his head up from what he was doing and gave his long-time friend a *LOOK*. Superman slowly realized how his last comment could be taken out of context.
"Uh, I mean, it was probably a nice... I mean amusing sight and it would have been fun to watch... er... see you dress-up... uh... *dressed-up* like that!" Superman stammered out. Batman was still giving him a hard, pondering look. Superman blushed. After several more seconds (which seemed like hours to Superman), Batman spoke.
"Soooo... you'd have liked to see me dressed as a hooker? No wait, you started to say you'd have liked to WATCH me dress up like a hooker. I didn't realize you were in to that kind of thing," Batman quipped.
"Oh God," Superman groaned in despair. He realized that he had just set himself up for the Batman to make fun of him. Again. For a long time.
"I mean, all this time I thought you were a goody two-shoes Boy Scout, and I assumed you were completely Vanilla when it came to those sorts of things. Who knew your secret desires were so... kinky." Batman said in a taunting voice. Tim snickered again as he got into the Batmobile.
"Please, just stop." Superman muttered as he slunk down onto Batman's computer chair. He rubbed his temples.
Batman walked up behind the chair and leaned down. "I'll check my schedule and see when I can fit you in, or better yet 'fit in it' for you," he whispered lustily in Superman's ear.
Superman abruptly turned around while still in the chair to look at the Dark Knight, who had already turned around to make his way towards the Batmobile. He jumped out of the chair and followed quickly while calling out to Batman. "Bruce? Bruce, wait! What do you mean by that?"
The Batman didn't answer, he just turned around to look at Superman and smiled. He got into the Batmobile with Tim, and drove off while Superman was still staring at the spot where Batman had stood when he smiled.
Superman reflected on what Batman meant by his parting words. He then remembered the rare (and almost... predatory) smile on Batman's face. He shook his head, resignedly. "No good can come of the conversation that just happened here," he muttered before he made his way out of the cave and back to Metropolis.
The End?
--------------
Okay, this came to mind yesterday after reading someone's request for me to write for the hooker prompt. Once again, let me know what you think but remember that Superboy-Prime is on my payroll I should improve on. This is a completely different style than the NC-17 fic I wrote though. I *might* do a follow-up on this, but I have no idea as of yet how I would approach it. I'm also still plotting out a death fic I have an idea for (which ironically I have the beginning and end to but not the middle). I'm going to do some forensics and detective-methods research on that one...