My Dad
So today was the first time I have seen my Father since Ulric was 3 months old. Thats seven months and we live less than fifty miles away from one another. I actually set the meeting up because I wanted to tell him what I thought about is behavior in the recent past. Not for him but for me to get things off my chest. And I guess, to try, once again to wrap my head around who my father has become in the past few years.
I can't say that the meeting was a total mess or anything but I guess it just really depresses me to see this man who, when I was a child, cared so much about family and home and children turn into someone who doesn't want to work at any kind of relationship. Not one not the one with his current wife, not me, not any relationship that has to be worked at just a little. I feel like that is exactly what he said to me today but if you were to ask him he would say that was not right.
I have to say that I was uncomfortable because it seemed like he kept expecting something from me, like I was going to breakdown under intemidation like when I was a kid. I think what he really wanted was for me to tell him that I really missed him and needed him and that I was sorry! I have to admit it was a hard thing for me not to breakdown but I realized Nat, be true to yourself, he just wants to be needed. The thing is I've done just fine over the last seven months!! Yes I have missed my father but I miss the man I remember as a kid. I even miss the man that I knew when my parents divorced. But in most ways I don't feel like I know this man.
The question is now, how do I love the man he is now! I'm not saying that I can't but I have to figure it out. Atleast there is no time crunch. I can do it at my pace, and face the facts as I come to them. Its not like when I was a kid I don't rely on him for anything and I don't have to put up with his snide comments and hurtful ways. I DONT HAVE TO DO THAT. But what I really miss is my family. And what I really mean by this is my extended family my dads brothers and sister. The family that got together many times a year just because they loved eachother and cared for eachother. The family where arguments were settled and hurt feelings were patched. Where people supported one another and nurtured eachother to make a stable if not happy but loving family. How can I have that agian?
I can't say that the meeting was a total mess or anything but I guess it just really depresses me to see this man who, when I was a child, cared so much about family and home and children turn into someone who doesn't want to work at any kind of relationship. Not one not the one with his current wife, not me, not any relationship that has to be worked at just a little. I feel like that is exactly what he said to me today but if you were to ask him he would say that was not right.
I have to say that I was uncomfortable because it seemed like he kept expecting something from me, like I was going to breakdown under intemidation like when I was a kid. I think what he really wanted was for me to tell him that I really missed him and needed him and that I was sorry! I have to admit it was a hard thing for me not to breakdown but I realized Nat, be true to yourself, he just wants to be needed. The thing is I've done just fine over the last seven months!! Yes I have missed my father but I miss the man I remember as a kid. I even miss the man that I knew when my parents divorced. But in most ways I don't feel like I know this man.
The question is now, how do I love the man he is now! I'm not saying that I can't but I have to figure it out. Atleast there is no time crunch. I can do it at my pace, and face the facts as I come to them. Its not like when I was a kid I don't rely on him for anything and I don't have to put up with his snide comments and hurtful ways. I DONT HAVE TO DO THAT. But what I really miss is my family. And what I really mean by this is my extended family my dads brothers and sister. The family that got together many times a year just because they loved eachother and cared for eachother. The family where arguments were settled and hurt feelings were patched. Where people supported one another and nurtured eachother to make a stable if not happy but loving family. How can I have that agian?