The irony
I use to keep this journal updated for friends to see. It was part journal and part social network. Kind of how Suicide Girls was for me back years ago. I think it's time for an LJ revival. This time I intend to use it to write down thoughts that are mine. I don't mind for them to be read by others, but more over, don't want to assault the general populous of my friends with my more personal thoughts.
Currently I am in a long term relationship. While we have our issues it seems to mostly go well. Recently I have been having dreams of a friend I use to see. We both developed feelings but had previously agreed it to being finite. These dreams wouldn't have such an impact if it wasn't someone Tom gets jealous over as well as us being in a monogamous relationship.
Should I feel guilty? I do. I also shouldn't feel like I have to. Monogamy in a long term relationship is a forgeign concept to me. I feel like even having these feelings are a sign of infidelity, I don't like "hiding" things, but stuff like this he prefers not knowing about yet if he found out about it he would flip on the angry switch. I just don't get it. I learned long ago that jealousy is an emotion, that's it. A series of hormones that send you into an irrational mode that can be dealt with. Why people choose to actively feel that emotion and give into it is beyond me. That leaves me in an uncomfortable position with Tom...my roots of attraction and being poly don't mesh with his Puritan view of relationships.
I don't see his reason for sleeping with someone as a conquest without attraction. It brings up odd feelings for me, wondering if I was just some slut he was banging. I wonder what he told the guys. Maybe it's why they just saw me as the stripper girlfiend for so long. The costs deed male view on conquests is far beyond me. I believe that sleeping with someone should be born out of attraction and doesn't have to damage friendships and can even make those friendships more intimate.
I know this is a demon in our relationship and I wonder how it will settle. I love him, and I want him happy, but are we BOTH committed enough to make this work for the long term?
Currently I am in a long term relationship. While we have our issues it seems to mostly go well. Recently I have been having dreams of a friend I use to see. We both developed feelings but had previously agreed it to being finite. These dreams wouldn't have such an impact if it wasn't someone Tom gets jealous over as well as us being in a monogamous relationship.
Should I feel guilty? I do. I also shouldn't feel like I have to. Monogamy in a long term relationship is a forgeign concept to me. I feel like even having these feelings are a sign of infidelity, I don't like "hiding" things, but stuff like this he prefers not knowing about yet if he found out about it he would flip on the angry switch. I just don't get it. I learned long ago that jealousy is an emotion, that's it. A series of hormones that send you into an irrational mode that can be dealt with. Why people choose to actively feel that emotion and give into it is beyond me. That leaves me in an uncomfortable position with Tom...my roots of attraction and being poly don't mesh with his Puritan view of relationships.
I don't see his reason for sleeping with someone as a conquest without attraction. It brings up odd feelings for me, wondering if I was just some slut he was banging. I wonder what he told the guys. Maybe it's why they just saw me as the stripper girlfiend for so long. The costs deed male view on conquests is far beyond me. I believe that sleeping with someone should be born out of attraction and doesn't have to damage friendships and can even make those friendships more intimate.
I know this is a demon in our relationship and I wonder how it will settle. I love him, and I want him happy, but are we BOTH committed enough to make this work for the long term?