(no subject)
I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like a burden, like a boulder that you have to push up a steep hill. Only you don't have to. I don't want you to keep feeling like you do. I want you to be free of me. I'm not talking about never seeing/speaking/being friends or family or anything like that. I feel like, the way I am... I'm doing nothing but taking you down. I'm drowning, and you're trying to stop it, but I'm just pulling you under with me, instead of you helping me to surface. I feel like dead weight. You will always be my family. You will always be the person who walked beside me through the hardest times of my life: You were there for me while we were growing up, and you took care of me and tried to help me when you could, and when I was raped and so alone and so afraid, you were just a phone call away, even after all the long bouts of not hearing from me it was like no time had passed at all. When I was stuck in MI and felt like I had no one and nothing, you flew me here to FL and let me crash on your couch for months while I applied sporadically for random jobs, and you never pressured me or rushed me, though I know my lying on the couch and doing nothing was mighty unpleasant.
I feel awful for putting you through this, yet again. I feel like no matter what happens, how many good days I have, deep down I'm just too broken to be fixed. And I don't want to keep hurting you. You've had enough pain and I've caused a good amount of that, and I will hate myself for doing this to you time and again until I take my last breath.
Saying I'm sorry doesn't quite measure up, not for last night. I have failed you, and I fear I will do nothing but continue to fail you until the very end. I don't know what to do. I don't know why you would ever want to see me or speak to me or love me again. I think a part of me hopes you don't want to so I can stop doing this to you.
I feel like the worst example of a person, like the bottom-feeder scumbag bitch that I am.
I will find a way to make this better. I don't know how. But I'll do it. If counseling and pills don't help then I will pack a bag and be gone, and you won't have to hear from me again.
I feel like a burden, like a boulder that you have to push up a steep hill. Only you don't have to. I don't want you to keep feeling like you do. I want you to be free of me. I'm not talking about never seeing/speaking/being friends or family or anything like that. I feel like, the way I am... I'm doing nothing but taking you down. I'm drowning, and you're trying to stop it, but I'm just pulling you under with me, instead of you helping me to surface. I feel like dead weight. You will always be my family. You will always be the person who walked beside me through the hardest times of my life: You were there for me while we were growing up, and you took care of me and tried to help me when you could, and when I was raped and so alone and so afraid, you were just a phone call away, even after all the long bouts of not hearing from me it was like no time had passed at all. When I was stuck in MI and felt like I had no one and nothing, you flew me here to FL and let me crash on your couch for months while I applied sporadically for random jobs, and you never pressured me or rushed me, though I know my lying on the couch and doing nothing was mighty unpleasant.
I feel awful for putting you through this, yet again. I feel like no matter what happens, how many good days I have, deep down I'm just too broken to be fixed. And I don't want to keep hurting you. You've had enough pain and I've caused a good amount of that, and I will hate myself for doing this to you time and again until I take my last breath.
Saying I'm sorry doesn't quite measure up, not for last night. I have failed you, and I fear I will do nothing but continue to fail you until the very end. I don't know what to do. I don't know why you would ever want to see me or speak to me or love me again. I think a part of me hopes you don't want to so I can stop doing this to you.
I feel like the worst example of a person, like the bottom-feeder scumbag bitch that I am.
I will find a way to make this better. I don't know how. But I'll do it. If counseling and pills don't help then I will pack a bag and be gone, and you won't have to hear from me again.