Torn in two
I want to stop feeling so terrible. Like I've thrown my life away. I know that I haven't, not really. Maybe my education, but that was... well, it was beyond my means at the time. I couldn't get a cosigner and I couldn't apply for FAFSA as an independent. What was left? I was on the verge of breakdown, and I got the opportunity I'd always wanted and never had the strength to voice: the chance to get away, start over (sort of) fresh. Re-invent myself a little. Not a lot. It's hard to re-invent yourself when you live with people who have known you since you were in kindergarten, after all. I got the chance to live with my best friends in a new place, to meet new people, try new things. Make a new me, get a new definition for myself.
I'm not sure I've fully lived up to the potential of this move, but I know I'm not the same as I used to be. I've made mistakes... tried to give my heart away and just gave myself instead, to try and not feel like the last single virgin on the planet. I tried too hard. I didn't try enough... I started to fall for the guy who was too good to be true, found out he really WAS too good to be true, and almost let myself make yet another mistake anyway.
I haven't met a ton of new people, or dated a lot, or found the limits of myself, but I have people in my life that love me even when I'm not sure I deserve it, and forgive me when I can't forgive myself, and that's more than I've ever had before.
I quit drinking. Maybe not forever; I'm starting with one year, April 10th 2010 to April 10th 2011. After that, we'll see. And I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic: that depends on your definition, I suppose, but I never drank more than once or twice a week and I didn't have withdrawls or anything of the sort. I just don't know my limit, and when I drink I just don't stop until I can't remember things and I make stupid mistakes and I hurt the people I love. That's worse than drinking everyday, worse than trembling hands and vomitting and hangovers from hell. So I'm not drinking. I didn't think it'd be that difficult, speaking as though I only drank once ish a week... Then I fly home to MI and my step-dad tells me they've bought tequila to make margaritas for my homecoming. I told him I'm sober now, and we haven't really brought it up again. I've managed to spot every ounce of liquor in the house looking for salt and pepper, and haven't been tempted by it, not really. But I miss the carefree, happy drunk I am before the sloppy, stupid drunk I inevitably become.
I've got to get some sleep: my stomach aches and I feel like crap emotionally and mentally. Plus, my beloved Brooke is coming down for lunch and a movie (Bounty Hunter, if you're wondering) in the early afternoon, then it's time for laundry, packing and a nap before I head for the airport at 3:30 am Thursday. Oh joy!
ps, I almost filed for readmission to MSU. I'm not sure I'm quite ready yet... but I don't want to wait too long. I want to graduate before I'm 27/28... not long left, depending on how many more added credits I need to make up the extra courses they added to my degree since I left...
I'm not sure I've fully lived up to the potential of this move, but I know I'm not the same as I used to be. I've made mistakes... tried to give my heart away and just gave myself instead, to try and not feel like the last single virgin on the planet. I tried too hard. I didn't try enough... I started to fall for the guy who was too good to be true, found out he really WAS too good to be true, and almost let myself make yet another mistake anyway.
I haven't met a ton of new people, or dated a lot, or found the limits of myself, but I have people in my life that love me even when I'm not sure I deserve it, and forgive me when I can't forgive myself, and that's more than I've ever had before.
I quit drinking. Maybe not forever; I'm starting with one year, April 10th 2010 to April 10th 2011. After that, we'll see. And I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic: that depends on your definition, I suppose, but I never drank more than once or twice a week and I didn't have withdrawls or anything of the sort. I just don't know my limit, and when I drink I just don't stop until I can't remember things and I make stupid mistakes and I hurt the people I love. That's worse than drinking everyday, worse than trembling hands and vomitting and hangovers from hell. So I'm not drinking. I didn't think it'd be that difficult, speaking as though I only drank once ish a week... Then I fly home to MI and my step-dad tells me they've bought tequila to make margaritas for my homecoming. I told him I'm sober now, and we haven't really brought it up again. I've managed to spot every ounce of liquor in the house looking for salt and pepper, and haven't been tempted by it, not really. But I miss the carefree, happy drunk I am before the sloppy, stupid drunk I inevitably become.
I've got to get some sleep: my stomach aches and I feel like crap emotionally and mentally. Plus, my beloved Brooke is coming down for lunch and a movie (Bounty Hunter, if you're wondering) in the early afternoon, then it's time for laundry, packing and a nap before I head for the airport at 3:30 am Thursday. Oh joy!
ps, I almost filed for readmission to MSU. I'm not sure I'm quite ready yet... but I don't want to wait too long. I want to graduate before I'm 27/28... not long left, depending on how many more added credits I need to make up the extra courses they added to my degree since I left...