PatD Fic:
Title: My Own Divided Falling
Author: battie_hattie
Rating: Hard R
Pairing: Jon/Brendon, Brendon/OMC
POV: Third, Brendon
Summary: Brendon's choices in bedmates are lacking. And sometimes a little dangerous, so Jon makes a rule.
Disclaimer: Not even.
Author Notes: ~5,000 words. Minor warning for the briefest mention of scat play as a plot point (no detail given, no enjoyment had). Thanks to tanisafan and sneaky_sena for listening to me while I was writing and helping me out.
Brendon’s not as naïve as everyone would like to think. Yeah, sure, ok, he’s never done a lot of stuff, but it’s not that he doesn’t even know what those things are. And that whole comment he made on the bus about never seeing porn before was totally taken out of context.
What he’d meant to say was that he’d never seen porn on DVD before. He’d stolen skin magazines and shoved them between his mattress and box spring when he was a kid, and he’d watched the 30-second free promo clips online after his parents had gone to bed. And then wiped the memory.
So, it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen porn at all. He’d just never seen a full-length video that you could put on the TV. And it wasn’t that weird, he’d only been legal to buy them for himself for less than a year, and he’d been really busy during that year. Too busy to get the porn and watch it, because he was always with someone. He didn’t think it was ok to just put porn on and watch it.
Apparently, however, Brent thought that was ok to just have group porn watching sessions. And Ryan and Spencer didn’t seem to mind either. So, Brendon knew that he shouldn’t have said anything. But he had. And he was ridiculed for it. Well, ridiculed was probably going a little overboard, but they did have a good laugh at his expense.
….
Brent had only been into straight porn and the occasional lesbian porn, but Jon was a little more open minded about their porn selection. Which, Brendon thought was a little weird, because Jon seemed a little uncomfortable during the gay porn time, as did Ryan, but they would watch it anyway. Spencer didn’t seem to care about anything, as long as he was high enough. Brendon always kept a pillow in his lap and tried not to make it look obvious when he excused himself midway through the movie to take care of his situation. When he came back, they’d always changed over to some normal movie.
It was a little weird compared to the nights where they would watch straight porn, when each of them would disappear to their own little areas to take care of business. Brendon was pretty sure that the gay porn was just for his benefit.
….
By the time his 21st birthday rolls around, Brendon’s not a virgin. Not by a long shot. He’s done it with girls and with boys. He’s given it and taken it. And he’d even had a few threesomes. Mostly with two girls, but a few times with one of each and once with two guys. He’d even surprised himself when he figured out that he wasn’t really into threesomes with just guys. It was too much cock.
So, he doesn’t think much of it when he starts talking to a sort of questionable looking guy at a party. He figures the guy’s maybe into a little bit of pain with his pleasure, and Brendon’s down with that. He likes a good spank on the ass, maybe some handcuffs. He’s pretty good about going with the flow when he’s looking for a good fuck.
He’s a little surprised when the guy also is into music. Not just any music, he is at a party for musicians, but he’s into jazz. Brendon’s been really getting into jazz lately, especially old school scat. He just loves it, the way the sounds all flow out in a beautiful cacophony.
“So,” Jimmy, the guy, says, “you’re into scat?”
“Oh, yeah,” Brendon says excitedly. “Totally. I mean, not for a really long time, I’ve just sort of gotten into it. Spencer turned me on to it.” Spencer had gotten them all to listen to jazz for a while as a way to expand their musical repertoire.
“Spencer,” Jimmy says slowly. “The one with the long hair and beard? He’s into scat too?” He looks to the corner of the room where Spencer is standing with Haley. “Just with girls though, right?”
“Nah, mostly guys,” Brendon replies brightly. “There’s not a lot of girl scatters out there. I mean, not that I’ve found.”
Jimmy’s eyes light up. “You think that he’d like to join us. You know, tonight?”
Brendon looks over to Spencer and Haley. “Nah, you know, he’s with his girl tonight, plus, you know, it might just be nice, the two of us.” He moves in slightly and brushes a hand over Jimmy’s arm.
Jimmy smiles at him. “So, how do you feel about rusty trombones?”
Brendon purses his lips and thinks. “Well, ok, I played the trumpet for a little bit, but I’ve never really caught on with the whole brass line for some reason. Seems to require a little finesse that I can’t focus on long enough or something. But, I could totally try the trombone. I don’t know about the rust part. I mean, wouldn’t you not want your trombone rusty?”
Jimmy throws his arm around Brendon and laughs. “You’re a real cute kid, you know that? I think you should totally come to my place and try out my trombone, I think you’ll like it and that it’ll hold your interest for a long time.”
Brendon nods and lets Jimmy lead the way.
….
Brendon knows that running through residential streets at two in the morning is a fast way to get arrested, but he’d really welcome a cop car at this point.
He’s pretty sure that Jimmy stopped trying to chase him after half a block, but he doesn’t stop running for several, just to make sure that there’s no way that he can be found again, because that… that was unpleasant.
He takes out his phone to call a cab before he realizes that he has no idea where he is. He really should have listened to all that advice his parents gave him when he was little about not getting into cars with people he didn’t know, because now he’s in a strange neighborhood in the middle of the night with no way of getting back to his hotel.
He walks for about a half-hour, toward the sounds of cars before he finds a main road and calls a cab. By the time it arrives, he’s not shaking as badly.
The cab takes him to the hotel, where he’s sharing with Jon, which is probably the best case scenario. Ryan would be too clinical, wanting and not wanting details, and then googling what he didn’t understand, and bringing the trauma on all over again. Spencer would have been a good second choice, but he would laugh first. He would probably laugh for a very long time. Jon was like magic though, he always had answers, Brendon trusts Jon to not laugh at him, and to not make him relive the very uncomfortable evening.
Brendon strips down to his boxers before climbing into Jon’s bed and nuzzling in close enough to jostle Jon. Jon’s a sound sleeper though, so it takes a few more knocks to get him to finally wake up.
“Brendon, what the hell?” Jon asks, voice slurred with sleep.
Brendon throws his arm around Jon. “Why didn’t anyone tell me that scat wasn’t just a jazz term? I should have been warned. And that a rusty trombone is nothing like an actual instrument.”
Jon’s body tenses and the room goes very, very silent for a moment. “Brendon?”
“Still here.”
“Did you… were you forced to?”
Brendon props himself up on an elbow and looks down at Jon in the faint light from the numbers of the clock by the bed. “God no, I fucking ran the first second I realized what he…”
“Don’t,” Jon says, holding his hand up. “Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, you can’t tell me any details. I don’t think that I would ever recover.”
Brendon lays his head against Jon’s chest. “I’m staying in bed with you tonight, I think I’ve earned that right.”
“Yeah, ok, you have. I just. I mean.”
“Come on, Jon. You’re like, my sage. You’re supposed to tell me something to make it better, but you’re kind of failing at this moment.”
Jon yawns and looks down at Brendon. “I don’t really know what you expect me to say, I mean, you can’t just drop something like that on me at,” he pauses to look at the clock, “after three in the morning and expect me to handle it.”
“At least you weren’t there.”
“You know what? Tomorrow, we’re having a band meeting, and I think that we’re going to have a new rule, in which anyone you want to, you know, do anything with, has to be pre-approved before you leave.”
“That’s probably for the best.” Brendon yawns into Jon’s chest. “I think I should maybe sleep.”
“Yeah, one of us should.”
“Huh?”
“Go to sleep, Bden.”
….
“Yeah, yeah, no, he’s ok, it’s just, like, have you ever?” Jon’s voice is soft and Brendon can barely hear him.
Brendon’s eye’s squint open and he can see Jon pressed up against the open window of the hotel room, blowing smoke from his cigarette out. “Fuck, no, he went to the dude’s house. And something about scat and no, I didn’t ask for details. Fuck, Ross, no. I don’t. No. You have to stop. No. I’m not going to ask. No. Don’t bring it up again. I’m not going to. No, fuck, don’t google it. God, I have to go.”
Jon closes his phone and Brendon yawns. “You maybe shouldn’t have told Ryan,” Brendon says. “I mean, even I could have told you he was going to be like that.”
“I was actually calling Spencer. Spencer’s in the shower, and apparently, Ryan is getting a lot better at his Spencer impersonation.”
“You know that now everyone’s going to know my secret shame.”
“I had to tell Spencer. And Zack. And then I just figured that maybe Ryan was going to figure it our by osmosis without actually figuring it out… or something.”
“Are you baked?”
“No, but if you have any weed on you, now would be the fucking time to share.”
“I think we left it all on the bus. I could go to the bus and get it for you.”
“No, I think you’re going to stay in my line of sight from now on.”
There’s a knock on the door and Brendon jumps out of bed to answer it. Spencer’s there, all serious business.
“Brendon, I was just checking,” Spencer chokes a little bit and his face puffs out and turns red as he’s trying to swallow back laughter. He doesn’t last long. “Oh, fuck, seriously, Brendon? Really?” Spencer’s laughing so hard that he’s pulling at his sides as he pushes his way through the door.
Spencer looks at Jon and composes himself. “OK, I mean, I just wanted to make sure that Brendon was ok, and he didn’t have any rusty brass laying around.”
Brendon grabs the pillow off the bed and lobs it at Spencer. “Have some sympathy, you asshole, or I will tell you, in detail, about what happened.”
Jon jumps from the windowsill and covers his hand over Spencer’s mouth.
“Dude,” Brendon says, eyes widening in awe. “You’re like a ninja. An anti-Spencer Smith ninja.”
“I just don’t want details. Maybe Spencer can handle details, but I don’t want them.” Spencer licks Jon’s hand, but Jon just stares at him. “It’s going to take a lot more than your saliva to get me off you, Smith.”
Brendon flops down onto the bed excitedly. “Oh, you two should totally duke it out for my honor or something now. And you should do it without your shirts.”
“We’re all staying dressed,” Jon says flatly as he lets go of Spencer.
Spencer just grins. “Come on, Jon. It’ll cheer him up. We should totally do it.”
Brendon opens his mouth to interject when there’s a knock on the door. Spencer’s the closest, so he opens it.
“Oh my fucking god, Urie, do you know how many diseases you could have gotten last night,” Ryan says, pushing his way into the room, papers scrunched up in his right hand. “And not just sexual ones. Like, ones from the feces.”
Jon groans and presses his hands over his ears. “Don’t use that word.”
“Would shit be better?” Spencer asks.
“No,” Jon says and shakes his head. “I’m taking a shower. When I get back, there better be weed here. Weed or Valium or Xanax or something. If there’s not, I may actually have to strangle you all with guitar strings.”
“Dude, look at this,” Ryan says, shoving the papers into Brendon’s face after Jon closed the bathroom door. “Did he want you to go ass to mouth? Was he going to use a dental dam?”
Brendon makes a face at the picture. “Where the hell did you find a printer?”
“The hotel has one at the front desk.”
“Dude,” Brendon says, “you sent that down to the front desk? That’s fucking perverse.”
“I needed it,” Ryan says, sitting down next to him. “I mean, its not like this has come up before, and we need to know about this in the future.”
“Well, you don’t,” Spencer says. “Unless Keltie is suddenly really into your ass.”
“Keltie is into my ass a healthy amount.”
“Dude,” Brendon says cheerfully, “has she ever strapped one on and fucked you? Because I’ve always thought that would be hot. And, in addition to that, when she does, can I watch?”
Ryan smacks him.
Brendon rubs the spot on his arm. “What about Haley?” Brendon asks, turning his gaze to Spencer. “She’s not?”
“God no,” Spencer exclaims. “Seriously, no. And while I know a little about this sort of thing, I mean, I’ve seen Two Girls One Cup, I didn’t think that it would be anything we actually had to, you know, talk about.”
“Two Girls One Cup?” Brendon asks.
“No,” Spencer and Ryan reply simultaneously. “In fact,” Spencer says, “for the sake of the world, I need you to forget that I even mentioned it. I don’t think that you could handle it. Actually, every time you think about it from now on, a puppy will die.”
“Don’t be a puppy killer, Brendon,” Ryan adds.
“I don’t think you have that sort of power,” Brendon says. But he’s not sure enough to actually risk it.
….
After two days of not mentioning The Incident, Jon seems to be healing nicely. Brendon, the more out of sight, out of mind type, had already moved on from it by the time Spencer and Ryan had shown up at their hotel room the morning after.
Ryan seems about to bring it up for the first time since the morning after, but Jon stops him. “Ok, you know when you and Spencer decided that you two wanted watch Two Girls One Cup?”
“No!” Brendon screams, lifting up slightly from his seat and jostling the notebook he’d been doodling in. “Don’t bring that up! Puppies will die, Jon Walker. Call it… Call it ‘that thing that musn’t be named.’”
Jon looks over at Ryan and Spencer, but they both just shrug, so Jon continues. “Ok, so that thing that musn’t be named, you two watched it. You know why I didn’t watch it? I didn’t watch it because I had a pretty good idea of what it was, and that there was a reason that I didn’t want to watch it.”
“Maybe we should have made Brendon watch it,” Ryan says. “Hey, where was Brendon the night we decided to watch it anyway?”
“Drunk with William Beckett,” Spencer says.
“Brendon should never watch it,” Jon says. “He’ll never recover.”
“Still in the room, assholes,” Brendon says from the corner of the lounge, notebook sprawled open in his lap.
“This is the last conversation we’re going to have about this,” Jon says resolutely. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. If you and Spencer,” he says, looking at Ryan, “want to be sick little weirdos, you two can have your private conversations at the back of the bus while Brendon and I play Mario Kart.”
“We’ll be good,” Spencer says.
….
Her name is Alicia, and Brendon really, really likes her. In the same way that he liked Audrey and Lana. Which, he even knows for himself, probably isn’t the best of ideas. There was a bunch of very good reasons that those relationships didn’t work out, but tonight, really, he isn’t looking for a relationship.
He knew where Shane was, but he isn’t sure if Shane counted as a member of the band. He sort of did, he went everywhere with them, and Brendon lived with him, so really, his opinion did matter. But Jon had said a member of the band or Zack.
Shane’s his only option at the moment, however, so he excuses himself from Alicia and makes his way over. “Shane,” he says.
“What’s up, Bden?”
“I met a girl, and I want to make the sexy times with her.”
Shane raises his eyebrows at him. “I’m pretty sure you’re a 21 year old rock star and capable of deciding who you want to have sex with.”
“Yeah, only no. I need to have my bedmates approved before I go home with them, due to The Incident.”
“Oh,” Shane says, sipping on his whiskey. “Yeah, that. I opted out of that. Jon told me about it, and I totally decided that since I have to be in charge of making sure you put your dishes away and do your laundry when we’re at home, I get a free pass on checking out your potential dates while we’re out.”
“You suck, dude.”
Shane shrugs. “I just saw Jon a minute or two ago, I think. With Pete.”
Brendon groans. “Does Pete know about The Incident?”
“Hi, have you met Ryan Ross? Have you met a stoned Ryan Ross? I don’t think that there’s a person at Fueled By Ramen who doesn’t know about The Incident. How the internet doesn’t know, I’m still not sure about.”
“What about Spencer? Is he around?”
“I think he and Ryan went to smoke out, so… I think that you’re going to have to face Jon and Pete if you want to follow the rules and get some.”
Brendon shoves him in the arm. “You’re emptying the dishwasher for a week as punishment,” he says as he walks away.
“You never empty the dishwasher anyway,” Shane calls after him.
“Jon,” Brendon calls. “I need to talk to you.”
Jon looks up from where he’s in deep conversation with Pete. “No,” is all he says before ducking his head down again.
“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”
“Yeah, I do,” Jon says, reaching over to grab his drink. “You want to know if I think it’s a good idea for you to leave with Alicia, the MySpace celebrity-wannabe with the coke problem.”
Brendon blinks. “How do you know all that?”
“Because we all know about Alicia,” Pete says. “Except you. It’s like you invite trouble.”
“Says the guy with his dick on the internet,” Brendon says, pushing Jon to make room for himself in the booth.
“Says the guy with those pictures of himself making out with another dude on the internet,” Pete replies.
“I was young and I didn’t know people were taking fucking pictures. It was a game of Truth or Dare. Not my fault everyone kept daring me to make out with dudes.”
Jon holds his hands up. “I think that in the overall battle of indiscretions, Pete will eventually win. But that’s only because he’s got eight years on you, Bden. Give it time, you’ll get up there.”
“Hey!” Brendon and Pete exclaim.
“Way to make me feel old,” Pete says.
“You’re the one about to be the daddy, old man,” Brendon snaps back. “And, for the record, I just like to think of myself as unlucky in love.”
“Well, tonight, the only thing you’re getting unlucky with is your right hand,” Jon says.
“Actually, I prefer to jerk it with my left.”
….
Another hotel night, a week after he didn’t go home with Alicia, Brendon’s in his room, flipping through the channels. “I’m so fucking horny,” he announces to Jon.
“Awesome for you?”
“Really, you all are putting the kibash on my game, and now I have to suffer because of it.”
Jon puts down his bass and looks over at Brendon. “Hey, how about you stop picking freaks out at every party we go to, and maybe we’d let you have some. Because no one on the bus is thrilled with the fact that you’ve taken to masturbating several times a day.”
“It’s not several.” He pauses. “Wait, what’s the definition of several?”
“More than once, usually more than twice.”
“Oh, yeah, then it’s several.”
Jon rolls his eyes and places his bass back into its case. “Do we need to go find you someone?”
Brendon nods. “Probably. Unless you were in the mood to suck my dick. Otherwise, yeah, I don’t think that my hand is going to do it tonight.”
Jon shrugs and picks up the bottle of Jack from the table. He takes a swig and looks levelly at Brendon. “I’m game if you are.”
Brendon’s eyes widen. “You’re kidding right?”
“I’ve got no problem with it. And it’ll save me the hassle of going out and having to find you someone decent enough. This really is the easier of the two. And, frankly, I kind of figure that you’ll reciprocate, which is something I won’t get if I find you someone random.”
“I’d totally like to suck your dick, Jon Walker.”
“Fantastic.”
….
Brendon thinks that it should be weird, snuggling with a post-orgasmic Jon, but it’s not. The only thing different from any other hotel night with Jon is that they’re naked, and there’s maybe a little come in the sheets. Otherwise, snuggling up in bed watching re-runs of The OC is completely par for the course.
Though, Jon post orgasm, Brendon has decided, is the best Jon. It’s better than when Jon’s stoned, or when Jon’s drunk, or even when Jon’s just extra cuddly for no reason. Orgasm Jon takes the cake, and Brendon tells him so.
“There are different Jons?” Jon asks, lazily running his hand over Brendon’s thigh.
“Of course. Well, they’re all you, but you know. There’s also Interview Jon, and Serious Business Jon, and Breakdancer Jon…”
“I get it,” Jon says, cutting him off. “The many facets of Jon Walker.”
“Are you going to tell Ryan and Spencer?”
“Yeah, no,” Jon says yawning. “I’m going to go ahead and go with no.”
Brendon makes a face. “Hey, so, a thought’s just occurred to me.”
“Don’t strain yourself.”
Brendon frowns at him. “Anyway, how come when we watch the gay porn together, you look as uncomfortable as Ryan?”
Jon turns away from Brendon slightly. “I dunno, I just. Like, I don’t like to see it?”
“But you like doing it?”
“Sometimes.”
“Seriously, Jon, you should get into it. Then I won’t feel like such a weirdo for being the only one spanking it after we watch it.” Brendon pauses and breaks into a brilliant grin. “We could totally spank it together from now on!”
“Because that wouldn’t be obvious at all.”
“Yeah, ok, you’re probably right. Spencer would suspect something was up if you were suddenly jerking it after gay porn.”
“What about Ryan?” Jon asks, turning back to Brendon.
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d notice. Well, he might, if he wasn’t busy, you know, being Ryan.”
“Oh, he’d notice. And then later, he’d make some thinly veiled joke about it at an interview, and you’d actually have to start beating him with sticks.”
Brendon laughs. “Dude, so the other day, I was looking on the internet, and they totally make sticks. You know, for beating people with. In bed.”
“I don’t swing that way.”
“No,” Brendon says, shoving at him gently. “For Ryan. We should get them and just threaten him with them.”
“Spencer would never let that happen.”
“We could totally get Spencer on our side,” Brendon says. “We totally fucking could. And then we’d be unstoppable.”
“Ryan has Keltie. She would make us pay. We wouldn’t know we were paying… until we were knee deep in paying.”
Brendon can’t argue with that.
….
They don’t talk about it, and next time that they have a hotel night, Jon asks to room with Ryan. Brendon really likes Spencer, but he doubts Spencer’s going to make the same offer that Jon did. And Brendon’s not really sure that he’d accept Spencer’s offer. If he were to make one.
“Do you think Jon’s avoiding me?” Brendon asks as he lobs his socks across the room.
“You’d better not forget those in the morning. Or be scrambling to find them,” Spencer says as he puts his Sidekick down. “And no, I don’t. Is there a reason you think that he might be?”
Brendon shakes his head, but refuses to look Spencer in the eye.
“And you’re lying. Seriously, we all know you can’t look us in the eye when you lie. You know we know, so why don’t you at least make the effort to look at us while you’re lying? You might get away with it once and a while that way.”
Brendon sighs and lies back on the bed. “I just thought he’d want to share a room with me.”
“Maybe he’s also friends with Ryan and doesn’t want to deal with your insomnia for once.”
“You’re way too logical, Spence. I don’t like that.”
Spencer flops down onto the bed with Brendon. “How’s the love life, kid?”
Brendon makes a face at him. “I’m older than you, fucker.”
“Yeah, sure you are. Physically.”
“I hate you so bad right now.”
Spencer slaps him on the arm. “Seriously though, you’ve seemed to have calmed your wild ways. Unless you’re going back to not telling us about your escapades, and then I think that’s a bad idea. You need supervision.”
“You wanna watch me or something?”
“Piss off, Urie. I’m just saying, you make some seriously bad choices when it comes to sexual partners.”
“We all can’t be lucky like you and Haley. Or Ryan and Keltie.”
“Jon’s single. You don’t see him getting molested by men into scat play.”
“One time, Spencer.”
“Or MySpace celebrities.”
“Twice.” Brendon scowls at the ceiling.
“Twice you’ve dated them. More than that you’ve fucked them and we’ve had to deal with the ensuing fall out.”
Brendon looks over at Spencer thoughtfully. “You ever wish that we weren’t famous? I mean, not that the band didn’t do well, but that we didn’t have to deal with all of that?”
Spencer glances back at him. “Sometimes. Sometimes I think it would be easier. I think we all do. But we’re doing what we love, and there’s always a price. And our price is that we don’t have as much privacy as we would if we were nobodies. But really, did you actually want to be a land surveyor, even if it meant you could fuck whoever you wanted to?”
“No one would want to fuck me if I was just a land surveyor.”
Spencer looks over and stares at Brendon for a long time. “People don’t want to be with you just because you’re famous. Ok, some people. But that’s maybe why we started the rule for you. What, do you honestly think that you can’t find someone who’ll want to be with you just because you’re you?”
Brendon shrugs pitifully against the bed. “I’ve yet to be with someone who wanted to be with me for me.”
“Maybe it’s because you don’t even give those people a chance. You always go for the ones that are looking for stars. Or the ones that are trying to get famous themselves. You’ve…” Spencer sighs. “You set yourself up for it. There’s probably someone right in front of your face and you don’t even realize it, because you’re so convinced that people only want you for being Brendon Urie of Panic.”
Brendon blinks. “Yeah, maybe.”
Spencer slaps him on the stomach. “Cheer up emo kid, and kick my ass at Guitar Hero.”
….
Jon’s in the back of the bus when Brendon finds him the next day. “Spencer let me kick his ass at Guitar Hero,” he announces.
Jon looks up from the magazine he’s reading. “I don’t think he let you do anything. I think that he just isn’t nearly as good as you.”
Brendon sits on the couch next to Jon. “Would you still be my friend if we weren’t in a band?”
Jon blinks and his face softens. “I don’t think I would have been given the opportunity to know you if we weren’t in a band, but if I had met you some other way, yes, I would still want to be your friend.”
Brendon scoots in closer. “And if we were friends, even though I wasn’t famous, and I kissed you, would you kiss me back?”
“I’d kiss you back if you were famous, if you weren’t famous, if you just wanted to be famous, or if you just wanted to sit next to a pond all day feeding ducks.”
“Awesome,” Brendon says. And then he kisses him.
Author: battie_hattie
Rating: Hard R
Pairing: Jon/Brendon, Brendon/OMC
POV: Third, Brendon
Summary: Brendon's choices in bedmates are lacking. And sometimes a little dangerous, so Jon makes a rule.
Disclaimer: Not even.
Author Notes: ~5,000 words. Minor warning for the briefest mention of scat play as a plot point (no detail given, no enjoyment had). Thanks to tanisafan and sneaky_sena for listening to me while I was writing and helping me out.
Brendon’s not as naïve as everyone would like to think. Yeah, sure, ok, he’s never done a lot of stuff, but it’s not that he doesn’t even know what those things are. And that whole comment he made on the bus about never seeing porn before was totally taken out of context.
What he’d meant to say was that he’d never seen porn on DVD before. He’d stolen skin magazines and shoved them between his mattress and box spring when he was a kid, and he’d watched the 30-second free promo clips online after his parents had gone to bed. And then wiped the memory.
So, it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen porn at all. He’d just never seen a full-length video that you could put on the TV. And it wasn’t that weird, he’d only been legal to buy them for himself for less than a year, and he’d been really busy during that year. Too busy to get the porn and watch it, because he was always with someone. He didn’t think it was ok to just put porn on and watch it.
Apparently, however, Brent thought that was ok to just have group porn watching sessions. And Ryan and Spencer didn’t seem to mind either. So, Brendon knew that he shouldn’t have said anything. But he had. And he was ridiculed for it. Well, ridiculed was probably going a little overboard, but they did have a good laugh at his expense.
….
Brent had only been into straight porn and the occasional lesbian porn, but Jon was a little more open minded about their porn selection. Which, Brendon thought was a little weird, because Jon seemed a little uncomfortable during the gay porn time, as did Ryan, but they would watch it anyway. Spencer didn’t seem to care about anything, as long as he was high enough. Brendon always kept a pillow in his lap and tried not to make it look obvious when he excused himself midway through the movie to take care of his situation. When he came back, they’d always changed over to some normal movie.
It was a little weird compared to the nights where they would watch straight porn, when each of them would disappear to their own little areas to take care of business. Brendon was pretty sure that the gay porn was just for his benefit.
….
By the time his 21st birthday rolls around, Brendon’s not a virgin. Not by a long shot. He’s done it with girls and with boys. He’s given it and taken it. And he’d even had a few threesomes. Mostly with two girls, but a few times with one of each and once with two guys. He’d even surprised himself when he figured out that he wasn’t really into threesomes with just guys. It was too much cock.
So, he doesn’t think much of it when he starts talking to a sort of questionable looking guy at a party. He figures the guy’s maybe into a little bit of pain with his pleasure, and Brendon’s down with that. He likes a good spank on the ass, maybe some handcuffs. He’s pretty good about going with the flow when he’s looking for a good fuck.
He’s a little surprised when the guy also is into music. Not just any music, he is at a party for musicians, but he’s into jazz. Brendon’s been really getting into jazz lately, especially old school scat. He just loves it, the way the sounds all flow out in a beautiful cacophony.
“So,” Jimmy, the guy, says, “you’re into scat?”
“Oh, yeah,” Brendon says excitedly. “Totally. I mean, not for a really long time, I’ve just sort of gotten into it. Spencer turned me on to it.” Spencer had gotten them all to listen to jazz for a while as a way to expand their musical repertoire.
“Spencer,” Jimmy says slowly. “The one with the long hair and beard? He’s into scat too?” He looks to the corner of the room where Spencer is standing with Haley. “Just with girls though, right?”
“Nah, mostly guys,” Brendon replies brightly. “There’s not a lot of girl scatters out there. I mean, not that I’ve found.”
Jimmy’s eyes light up. “You think that he’d like to join us. You know, tonight?”
Brendon looks over to Spencer and Haley. “Nah, you know, he’s with his girl tonight, plus, you know, it might just be nice, the two of us.” He moves in slightly and brushes a hand over Jimmy’s arm.
Jimmy smiles at him. “So, how do you feel about rusty trombones?”
Brendon purses his lips and thinks. “Well, ok, I played the trumpet for a little bit, but I’ve never really caught on with the whole brass line for some reason. Seems to require a little finesse that I can’t focus on long enough or something. But, I could totally try the trombone. I don’t know about the rust part. I mean, wouldn’t you not want your trombone rusty?”
Jimmy throws his arm around Brendon and laughs. “You’re a real cute kid, you know that? I think you should totally come to my place and try out my trombone, I think you’ll like it and that it’ll hold your interest for a long time.”
Brendon nods and lets Jimmy lead the way.
….
Brendon knows that running through residential streets at two in the morning is a fast way to get arrested, but he’d really welcome a cop car at this point.
He’s pretty sure that Jimmy stopped trying to chase him after half a block, but he doesn’t stop running for several, just to make sure that there’s no way that he can be found again, because that… that was unpleasant.
He takes out his phone to call a cab before he realizes that he has no idea where he is. He really should have listened to all that advice his parents gave him when he was little about not getting into cars with people he didn’t know, because now he’s in a strange neighborhood in the middle of the night with no way of getting back to his hotel.
He walks for about a half-hour, toward the sounds of cars before he finds a main road and calls a cab. By the time it arrives, he’s not shaking as badly.
The cab takes him to the hotel, where he’s sharing with Jon, which is probably the best case scenario. Ryan would be too clinical, wanting and not wanting details, and then googling what he didn’t understand, and bringing the trauma on all over again. Spencer would have been a good second choice, but he would laugh first. He would probably laugh for a very long time. Jon was like magic though, he always had answers, Brendon trusts Jon to not laugh at him, and to not make him relive the very uncomfortable evening.
Brendon strips down to his boxers before climbing into Jon’s bed and nuzzling in close enough to jostle Jon. Jon’s a sound sleeper though, so it takes a few more knocks to get him to finally wake up.
“Brendon, what the hell?” Jon asks, voice slurred with sleep.
Brendon throws his arm around Jon. “Why didn’t anyone tell me that scat wasn’t just a jazz term? I should have been warned. And that a rusty trombone is nothing like an actual instrument.”
Jon’s body tenses and the room goes very, very silent for a moment. “Brendon?”
“Still here.”
“Did you… were you forced to?”
Brendon props himself up on an elbow and looks down at Jon in the faint light from the numbers of the clock by the bed. “God no, I fucking ran the first second I realized what he…”
“Don’t,” Jon says, holding his hand up. “Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, you can’t tell me any details. I don’t think that I would ever recover.”
Brendon lays his head against Jon’s chest. “I’m staying in bed with you tonight, I think I’ve earned that right.”
“Yeah, ok, you have. I just. I mean.”
“Come on, Jon. You’re like, my sage. You’re supposed to tell me something to make it better, but you’re kind of failing at this moment.”
Jon yawns and looks down at Brendon. “I don’t really know what you expect me to say, I mean, you can’t just drop something like that on me at,” he pauses to look at the clock, “after three in the morning and expect me to handle it.”
“At least you weren’t there.”
“You know what? Tomorrow, we’re having a band meeting, and I think that we’re going to have a new rule, in which anyone you want to, you know, do anything with, has to be pre-approved before you leave.”
“That’s probably for the best.” Brendon yawns into Jon’s chest. “I think I should maybe sleep.”
“Yeah, one of us should.”
“Huh?”
“Go to sleep, Bden.”
….
“Yeah, yeah, no, he’s ok, it’s just, like, have you ever?” Jon’s voice is soft and Brendon can barely hear him.
Brendon’s eye’s squint open and he can see Jon pressed up against the open window of the hotel room, blowing smoke from his cigarette out. “Fuck, no, he went to the dude’s house. And something about scat and no, I didn’t ask for details. Fuck, Ross, no. I don’t. No. You have to stop. No. I’m not going to ask. No. Don’t bring it up again. I’m not going to. No, fuck, don’t google it. God, I have to go.”
Jon closes his phone and Brendon yawns. “You maybe shouldn’t have told Ryan,” Brendon says. “I mean, even I could have told you he was going to be like that.”
“I was actually calling Spencer. Spencer’s in the shower, and apparently, Ryan is getting a lot better at his Spencer impersonation.”
“You know that now everyone’s going to know my secret shame.”
“I had to tell Spencer. And Zack. And then I just figured that maybe Ryan was going to figure it our by osmosis without actually figuring it out… or something.”
“Are you baked?”
“No, but if you have any weed on you, now would be the fucking time to share.”
“I think we left it all on the bus. I could go to the bus and get it for you.”
“No, I think you’re going to stay in my line of sight from now on.”
There’s a knock on the door and Brendon jumps out of bed to answer it. Spencer’s there, all serious business.
“Brendon, I was just checking,” Spencer chokes a little bit and his face puffs out and turns red as he’s trying to swallow back laughter. He doesn’t last long. “Oh, fuck, seriously, Brendon? Really?” Spencer’s laughing so hard that he’s pulling at his sides as he pushes his way through the door.
Spencer looks at Jon and composes himself. “OK, I mean, I just wanted to make sure that Brendon was ok, and he didn’t have any rusty brass laying around.”
Brendon grabs the pillow off the bed and lobs it at Spencer. “Have some sympathy, you asshole, or I will tell you, in detail, about what happened.”
Jon jumps from the windowsill and covers his hand over Spencer’s mouth.
“Dude,” Brendon says, eyes widening in awe. “You’re like a ninja. An anti-Spencer Smith ninja.”
“I just don’t want details. Maybe Spencer can handle details, but I don’t want them.” Spencer licks Jon’s hand, but Jon just stares at him. “It’s going to take a lot more than your saliva to get me off you, Smith.”
Brendon flops down onto the bed excitedly. “Oh, you two should totally duke it out for my honor or something now. And you should do it without your shirts.”
“We’re all staying dressed,” Jon says flatly as he lets go of Spencer.
Spencer just grins. “Come on, Jon. It’ll cheer him up. We should totally do it.”
Brendon opens his mouth to interject when there’s a knock on the door. Spencer’s the closest, so he opens it.
“Oh my fucking god, Urie, do you know how many diseases you could have gotten last night,” Ryan says, pushing his way into the room, papers scrunched up in his right hand. “And not just sexual ones. Like, ones from the feces.”
Jon groans and presses his hands over his ears. “Don’t use that word.”
“Would shit be better?” Spencer asks.
“No,” Jon says and shakes his head. “I’m taking a shower. When I get back, there better be weed here. Weed or Valium or Xanax or something. If there’s not, I may actually have to strangle you all with guitar strings.”
“Dude, look at this,” Ryan says, shoving the papers into Brendon’s face after Jon closed the bathroom door. “Did he want you to go ass to mouth? Was he going to use a dental dam?”
Brendon makes a face at the picture. “Where the hell did you find a printer?”
“The hotel has one at the front desk.”
“Dude,” Brendon says, “you sent that down to the front desk? That’s fucking perverse.”
“I needed it,” Ryan says, sitting down next to him. “I mean, its not like this has come up before, and we need to know about this in the future.”
“Well, you don’t,” Spencer says. “Unless Keltie is suddenly really into your ass.”
“Keltie is into my ass a healthy amount.”
“Dude,” Brendon says cheerfully, “has she ever strapped one on and fucked you? Because I’ve always thought that would be hot. And, in addition to that, when she does, can I watch?”
Ryan smacks him.
Brendon rubs the spot on his arm. “What about Haley?” Brendon asks, turning his gaze to Spencer. “She’s not?”
“God no,” Spencer exclaims. “Seriously, no. And while I know a little about this sort of thing, I mean, I’ve seen Two Girls One Cup, I didn’t think that it would be anything we actually had to, you know, talk about.”
“Two Girls One Cup?” Brendon asks.
“No,” Spencer and Ryan reply simultaneously. “In fact,” Spencer says, “for the sake of the world, I need you to forget that I even mentioned it. I don’t think that you could handle it. Actually, every time you think about it from now on, a puppy will die.”
“Don’t be a puppy killer, Brendon,” Ryan adds.
“I don’t think you have that sort of power,” Brendon says. But he’s not sure enough to actually risk it.
….
After two days of not mentioning The Incident, Jon seems to be healing nicely. Brendon, the more out of sight, out of mind type, had already moved on from it by the time Spencer and Ryan had shown up at their hotel room the morning after.
Ryan seems about to bring it up for the first time since the morning after, but Jon stops him. “Ok, you know when you and Spencer decided that you two wanted watch Two Girls One Cup?”
“No!” Brendon screams, lifting up slightly from his seat and jostling the notebook he’d been doodling in. “Don’t bring that up! Puppies will die, Jon Walker. Call it… Call it ‘that thing that musn’t be named.’”
Jon looks over at Ryan and Spencer, but they both just shrug, so Jon continues. “Ok, so that thing that musn’t be named, you two watched it. You know why I didn’t watch it? I didn’t watch it because I had a pretty good idea of what it was, and that there was a reason that I didn’t want to watch it.”
“Maybe we should have made Brendon watch it,” Ryan says. “Hey, where was Brendon the night we decided to watch it anyway?”
“Drunk with William Beckett,” Spencer says.
“Brendon should never watch it,” Jon says. “He’ll never recover.”
“Still in the room, assholes,” Brendon says from the corner of the lounge, notebook sprawled open in his lap.
“This is the last conversation we’re going to have about this,” Jon says resolutely. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. If you and Spencer,” he says, looking at Ryan, “want to be sick little weirdos, you two can have your private conversations at the back of the bus while Brendon and I play Mario Kart.”
“We’ll be good,” Spencer says.
….
Her name is Alicia, and Brendon really, really likes her. In the same way that he liked Audrey and Lana. Which, he even knows for himself, probably isn’t the best of ideas. There was a bunch of very good reasons that those relationships didn’t work out, but tonight, really, he isn’t looking for a relationship.
He knew where Shane was, but he isn’t sure if Shane counted as a member of the band. He sort of did, he went everywhere with them, and Brendon lived with him, so really, his opinion did matter. But Jon had said a member of the band or Zack.
Shane’s his only option at the moment, however, so he excuses himself from Alicia and makes his way over. “Shane,” he says.
“What’s up, Bden?”
“I met a girl, and I want to make the sexy times with her.”
Shane raises his eyebrows at him. “I’m pretty sure you’re a 21 year old rock star and capable of deciding who you want to have sex with.”
“Yeah, only no. I need to have my bedmates approved before I go home with them, due to The Incident.”
“Oh,” Shane says, sipping on his whiskey. “Yeah, that. I opted out of that. Jon told me about it, and I totally decided that since I have to be in charge of making sure you put your dishes away and do your laundry when we’re at home, I get a free pass on checking out your potential dates while we’re out.”
“You suck, dude.”
Shane shrugs. “I just saw Jon a minute or two ago, I think. With Pete.”
Brendon groans. “Does Pete know about The Incident?”
“Hi, have you met Ryan Ross? Have you met a stoned Ryan Ross? I don’t think that there’s a person at Fueled By Ramen who doesn’t know about The Incident. How the internet doesn’t know, I’m still not sure about.”
“What about Spencer? Is he around?”
“I think he and Ryan went to smoke out, so… I think that you’re going to have to face Jon and Pete if you want to follow the rules and get some.”
Brendon shoves him in the arm. “You’re emptying the dishwasher for a week as punishment,” he says as he walks away.
“You never empty the dishwasher anyway,” Shane calls after him.
“Jon,” Brendon calls. “I need to talk to you.”
Jon looks up from where he’s in deep conversation with Pete. “No,” is all he says before ducking his head down again.
“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”
“Yeah, I do,” Jon says, reaching over to grab his drink. “You want to know if I think it’s a good idea for you to leave with Alicia, the MySpace celebrity-wannabe with the coke problem.”
Brendon blinks. “How do you know all that?”
“Because we all know about Alicia,” Pete says. “Except you. It’s like you invite trouble.”
“Says the guy with his dick on the internet,” Brendon says, pushing Jon to make room for himself in the booth.
“Says the guy with those pictures of himself making out with another dude on the internet,” Pete replies.
“I was young and I didn’t know people were taking fucking pictures. It was a game of Truth or Dare. Not my fault everyone kept daring me to make out with dudes.”
Jon holds his hands up. “I think that in the overall battle of indiscretions, Pete will eventually win. But that’s only because he’s got eight years on you, Bden. Give it time, you’ll get up there.”
“Hey!” Brendon and Pete exclaim.
“Way to make me feel old,” Pete says.
“You’re the one about to be the daddy, old man,” Brendon snaps back. “And, for the record, I just like to think of myself as unlucky in love.”
“Well, tonight, the only thing you’re getting unlucky with is your right hand,” Jon says.
“Actually, I prefer to jerk it with my left.”
….
Another hotel night, a week after he didn’t go home with Alicia, Brendon’s in his room, flipping through the channels. “I’m so fucking horny,” he announces to Jon.
“Awesome for you?”
“Really, you all are putting the kibash on my game, and now I have to suffer because of it.”
Jon puts down his bass and looks over at Brendon. “Hey, how about you stop picking freaks out at every party we go to, and maybe we’d let you have some. Because no one on the bus is thrilled with the fact that you’ve taken to masturbating several times a day.”
“It’s not several.” He pauses. “Wait, what’s the definition of several?”
“More than once, usually more than twice.”
“Oh, yeah, then it’s several.”
Jon rolls his eyes and places his bass back into its case. “Do we need to go find you someone?”
Brendon nods. “Probably. Unless you were in the mood to suck my dick. Otherwise, yeah, I don’t think that my hand is going to do it tonight.”
Jon shrugs and picks up the bottle of Jack from the table. He takes a swig and looks levelly at Brendon. “I’m game if you are.”
Brendon’s eyes widen. “You’re kidding right?”
“I’ve got no problem with it. And it’ll save me the hassle of going out and having to find you someone decent enough. This really is the easier of the two. And, frankly, I kind of figure that you’ll reciprocate, which is something I won’t get if I find you someone random.”
“I’d totally like to suck your dick, Jon Walker.”
“Fantastic.”
….
Brendon thinks that it should be weird, snuggling with a post-orgasmic Jon, but it’s not. The only thing different from any other hotel night with Jon is that they’re naked, and there’s maybe a little come in the sheets. Otherwise, snuggling up in bed watching re-runs of The OC is completely par for the course.
Though, Jon post orgasm, Brendon has decided, is the best Jon. It’s better than when Jon’s stoned, or when Jon’s drunk, or even when Jon’s just extra cuddly for no reason. Orgasm Jon takes the cake, and Brendon tells him so.
“There are different Jons?” Jon asks, lazily running his hand over Brendon’s thigh.
“Of course. Well, they’re all you, but you know. There’s also Interview Jon, and Serious Business Jon, and Breakdancer Jon…”
“I get it,” Jon says, cutting him off. “The many facets of Jon Walker.”
“Are you going to tell Ryan and Spencer?”
“Yeah, no,” Jon says yawning. “I’m going to go ahead and go with no.”
Brendon makes a face. “Hey, so, a thought’s just occurred to me.”
“Don’t strain yourself.”
Brendon frowns at him. “Anyway, how come when we watch the gay porn together, you look as uncomfortable as Ryan?”
Jon turns away from Brendon slightly. “I dunno, I just. Like, I don’t like to see it?”
“But you like doing it?”
“Sometimes.”
“Seriously, Jon, you should get into it. Then I won’t feel like such a weirdo for being the only one spanking it after we watch it.” Brendon pauses and breaks into a brilliant grin. “We could totally spank it together from now on!”
“Because that wouldn’t be obvious at all.”
“Yeah, ok, you’re probably right. Spencer would suspect something was up if you were suddenly jerking it after gay porn.”
“What about Ryan?” Jon asks, turning back to Brendon.
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d notice. Well, he might, if he wasn’t busy, you know, being Ryan.”
“Oh, he’d notice. And then later, he’d make some thinly veiled joke about it at an interview, and you’d actually have to start beating him with sticks.”
Brendon laughs. “Dude, so the other day, I was looking on the internet, and they totally make sticks. You know, for beating people with. In bed.”
“I don’t swing that way.”
“No,” Brendon says, shoving at him gently. “For Ryan. We should get them and just threaten him with them.”
“Spencer would never let that happen.”
“We could totally get Spencer on our side,” Brendon says. “We totally fucking could. And then we’d be unstoppable.”
“Ryan has Keltie. She would make us pay. We wouldn’t know we were paying… until we were knee deep in paying.”
Brendon can’t argue with that.
….
They don’t talk about it, and next time that they have a hotel night, Jon asks to room with Ryan. Brendon really likes Spencer, but he doubts Spencer’s going to make the same offer that Jon did. And Brendon’s not really sure that he’d accept Spencer’s offer. If he were to make one.
“Do you think Jon’s avoiding me?” Brendon asks as he lobs his socks across the room.
“You’d better not forget those in the morning. Or be scrambling to find them,” Spencer says as he puts his Sidekick down. “And no, I don’t. Is there a reason you think that he might be?”
Brendon shakes his head, but refuses to look Spencer in the eye.
“And you’re lying. Seriously, we all know you can’t look us in the eye when you lie. You know we know, so why don’t you at least make the effort to look at us while you’re lying? You might get away with it once and a while that way.”
Brendon sighs and lies back on the bed. “I just thought he’d want to share a room with me.”
“Maybe he’s also friends with Ryan and doesn’t want to deal with your insomnia for once.”
“You’re way too logical, Spence. I don’t like that.”
Spencer flops down onto the bed with Brendon. “How’s the love life, kid?”
Brendon makes a face at him. “I’m older than you, fucker.”
“Yeah, sure you are. Physically.”
“I hate you so bad right now.”
Spencer slaps him on the arm. “Seriously though, you’ve seemed to have calmed your wild ways. Unless you’re going back to not telling us about your escapades, and then I think that’s a bad idea. You need supervision.”
“You wanna watch me or something?”
“Piss off, Urie. I’m just saying, you make some seriously bad choices when it comes to sexual partners.”
“We all can’t be lucky like you and Haley. Or Ryan and Keltie.”
“Jon’s single. You don’t see him getting molested by men into scat play.”
“One time, Spencer.”
“Or MySpace celebrities.”
“Twice.” Brendon scowls at the ceiling.
“Twice you’ve dated them. More than that you’ve fucked them and we’ve had to deal with the ensuing fall out.”
Brendon looks over at Spencer thoughtfully. “You ever wish that we weren’t famous? I mean, not that the band didn’t do well, but that we didn’t have to deal with all of that?”
Spencer glances back at him. “Sometimes. Sometimes I think it would be easier. I think we all do. But we’re doing what we love, and there’s always a price. And our price is that we don’t have as much privacy as we would if we were nobodies. But really, did you actually want to be a land surveyor, even if it meant you could fuck whoever you wanted to?”
“No one would want to fuck me if I was just a land surveyor.”
Spencer looks over and stares at Brendon for a long time. “People don’t want to be with you just because you’re famous. Ok, some people. But that’s maybe why we started the rule for you. What, do you honestly think that you can’t find someone who’ll want to be with you just because you’re you?”
Brendon shrugs pitifully against the bed. “I’ve yet to be with someone who wanted to be with me for me.”
“Maybe it’s because you don’t even give those people a chance. You always go for the ones that are looking for stars. Or the ones that are trying to get famous themselves. You’ve…” Spencer sighs. “You set yourself up for it. There’s probably someone right in front of your face and you don’t even realize it, because you’re so convinced that people only want you for being Brendon Urie of Panic.”
Brendon blinks. “Yeah, maybe.”
Spencer slaps him on the stomach. “Cheer up emo kid, and kick my ass at Guitar Hero.”
….
Jon’s in the back of the bus when Brendon finds him the next day. “Spencer let me kick his ass at Guitar Hero,” he announces.
Jon looks up from the magazine he’s reading. “I don’t think he let you do anything. I think that he just isn’t nearly as good as you.”
Brendon sits on the couch next to Jon. “Would you still be my friend if we weren’t in a band?”
Jon blinks and his face softens. “I don’t think I would have been given the opportunity to know you if we weren’t in a band, but if I had met you some other way, yes, I would still want to be your friend.”
Brendon scoots in closer. “And if we were friends, even though I wasn’t famous, and I kissed you, would you kiss me back?”
“I’d kiss you back if you were famous, if you weren’t famous, if you just wanted to be famous, or if you just wanted to sit next to a pond all day feeding ducks.”
“Awesome,” Brendon says. And then he kisses him.