(no subject)
March. In like a lion, out like a lamb. This year, it’s in like a rabbit, out like a dragon. It’s quite a mix this month, with everything but horror representin’, pretty light entertainment all around. Nothing earth shattering, but no obvious candidates for WORST. MOVIE. EVER. Or are there? Let’s take a look.
1. REPO MEN - Mar 19. You all know I’m a genre man. I love me some Sci-fi action. Jude Law and Forest Whitaker as artificial organ repo men? In the hands of Paul Verhoeven, it would have been a slam dunk, but the director here is an unknown. It still looks pretty good, should be some solid near-future entertainment. Hopefully the script doesn’t have a case of the galloping stupids. And yeah, it sounds a lot like REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, but I imagine there’s probably a forgotten novel from the seventies with the same ideas anyway. Still, I’ve got high hopes.
2. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE - Mar 26. I’ve actually already seen this one, so I can tell you it’s funny as hell. Perfect casting all around, with John Cusack, Craig Robinson (THE OFFICE), Rob Corddry (DAILY SHOW) and Clark Duke (SEX DRIVE) getting thrown back in time via a hot tub. They’re totally unapologetic about the reasons for it, and for good reason, since it’s a damned comedy. It’s a great take on the “If I could go back” realm with lots of nerdy time travel jokes and 80s movie references. Not quite as good as THE HANGOVER, but if you dug that you’ll have no problem getting into the right mood here. Also, bonus points for Crispin Glover’s bellhop character.
3. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON - Mar 26, IMAX 3D. Dreamworks’ latest animated offering might be smarter than it looks. I mean, it’s gotta be better than Shrek, right? It’s written and directed by the guys who made LILO & STITCH, which was pretty underappreciated at the time, and the character designs are kinda similar. The dragon designs are unique, and hey, Vikings! Ontario born Jay Baruchel (TROPIC THUNDER) voices the lead, and you gotta support local talent. Expect lots of AVATAR comparisons, at least with the whole dragon riding aspect. Should be fun, but it might have trouble getting IMAX screens, unless ALICE drops quickly.
4. GREEN ZONE - Mar 12. Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass have reteamed for what looks like THE BOURNE EXTRACTION. Damon plays a US Army officer who goes rogue looking for WMDs. After BOURNE SUPREMACY and ULTIMATUM, I’ll let these guys make whatever the hell they want and I’ll pony up the admission. Expect another intelligent, tight actioner.
5. SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE - Mar 12. Hey look, it’s Jay Baruchel again! Except he’s corporeal in this one! What happens when a schlub ends up with a model (Alice Eve, a cute Brit who hasn’t really done anything of note)? I guess we’ll find out! This actually looks pretty good. Jay’s character seems pretty grounded, so if the material stays true to the character, it might be a sleeper. Or it might get all Shitty Hollywood Romantic Comedy on us and suck out loud.
6. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Mar 6, IMAX 3D. This would have been a lot higher, but many advance reviews have been horrific. I’m talking Tim Burton Killed My Dog bad. HOOK has been invoked. It’s actually a sequel to the story, and Alice has forgotten her adventures, but she’s back in Wonderland and needs to become its saviour. Hopefully those reviewers have had their souls extinguished and can’t enjoy anything anymore, but I’d at least go in with lowered expectations. Also, it wasn’t shot with 3D in mind, it’s all been added in post, so it won’t be nearly as immersive as it could have been. But wait! There’s a trailer for TRON: LEGACY to be seen! And brother, it’s nearly worth the admission price. It’ll make you want to skip summer and jump right to December. Well, almost.
7. HUBBLE 3D - Mar 19 - IMAX 3D. This has no chance of a decent release, sandwiched between ALICE and DRAGON, but hopefully it’ll get some matinee screenings. Ever wanted to see a shuttle launch in 3D? Me too! The material looks a little dry, but it should provide some spectacular footage.
8. THE BOUNTY HUNTER - Mar 19. Ah, the list is getting a little stinky already. Gerard Butler is a bounty hunter who gets to bring in his ex girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. Of course, bad people want to kill her. Hell, good people probably want to kill her too. Okay, that’s mean. I take it back. This looks pretty goofy, and not necessarily the good kind of goofy. Mind you, director Andy Tennant has gone from directing episodes of PARKER LEWIS CAN’T LOSE and THE ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR to making crap like FOOL’S GOLD and SWEET HOME ALABAMA to. I imagine he’s locked into Shitty Hollywood Romantic Comedy mode now. Hey, that’s two SHRC references! I wonder if there’ll be another?
9. BROOKLYN’S FINEST - Mar 5. More like TRAINING DAY 2: BROOKLYN NIGHTS. It’s even got the same director and Ethan Hawke! This time, they’ve added Don Cheadle, Wesley Snipes, and Richard Gere to the mix. Just another New York Cop Drama. It’s actually closer in tone to THE DEPAHTED (spelling intentional) with an undercover cop tryin’ to get out and a clean cop tryin’ to get dirty, with a little “I’m two days from retirement” added for that extra flavour. It’s been in the can for over a year, so that’s always a good sign, right? But hey, it’s a paycheck for Vincent D’Onofrio.
10. DIARY OF A WIMPY KID - Mar 19. Kid’s movie. Kid’s movie. Move along. Nothing to see here. It’s basically a typical High School movie set in Junior High, based on a popular book and directed by the monster who made HOTEL FOR DOGS. Just keep walkin’.
11. REMEMBER ME - Mar 12. Finally, a test to see if the fangirls love Robert Pattinson, or if they love Edward. He’s a troubled loner, the son of a New York lawyer (Pierce Brosnan) who just keeps gettin’ into trouble, until he meets Emilie De Ravin (Claire from LOST). What I love most is that all the leads (British, Irish, and Aussie respectively) are putting on New Yawk accents with comical results. Poor Chris Cooper looks lost as Claire’s cop daddy, who just can’t trust the punk’s intentions. I’m hoping Edward gets her hooked on heroin and the whole thing turns into SID & NANCY, but that’s asking too much. I wonder which character will inevitably die a tragic death?
12. OUR FAMILY WEDDING - Mar 12. A black guy wants to marry a Latina (America Ferrera, UGLY BETTY herself). The black family interacts with the Mexican family with hilarious results! His dad is Forest Whitaker! Her dad is CARLOS EFFING MENCIA. Basically just casual racist jokes all around, and the trailer ends with a goat eating Viagra who then tries to rape Forest Whitaker. Let that nugget simmer for a while. I would LOVE to set up a camera in the theatre for the New York showings to see who laughs at what. Of course, even the trailer needs to show that Everything’s Going To Be Okay, just in case you thought they wouldn’t be able to get past the racial issues. Now, if Carlos Freaking Mencia’s character were to tragically and graphically die in a fire in the film, this would rocket straight to the top of the list, but that ain’t gonna happen.
So nothing truly exciting this month. I’m a little surprised by the lack of super-blockbusters, last year had Watchmen kicking things off. April will warm up the summer season with CLASH OF THE TITANS. But will it top the list? Well, yeah, probably, but you’ll have to wait to see.
1. REPO MEN - Mar 19. You all know I’m a genre man. I love me some Sci-fi action. Jude Law and Forest Whitaker as artificial organ repo men? In the hands of Paul Verhoeven, it would have been a slam dunk, but the director here is an unknown. It still looks pretty good, should be some solid near-future entertainment. Hopefully the script doesn’t have a case of the galloping stupids. And yeah, it sounds a lot like REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, but I imagine there’s probably a forgotten novel from the seventies with the same ideas anyway. Still, I’ve got high hopes.
2. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE - Mar 26. I’ve actually already seen this one, so I can tell you it’s funny as hell. Perfect casting all around, with John Cusack, Craig Robinson (THE OFFICE), Rob Corddry (DAILY SHOW) and Clark Duke (SEX DRIVE) getting thrown back in time via a hot tub. They’re totally unapologetic about the reasons for it, and for good reason, since it’s a damned comedy. It’s a great take on the “If I could go back” realm with lots of nerdy time travel jokes and 80s movie references. Not quite as good as THE HANGOVER, but if you dug that you’ll have no problem getting into the right mood here. Also, bonus points for Crispin Glover’s bellhop character.
3. HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON - Mar 26, IMAX 3D. Dreamworks’ latest animated offering might be smarter than it looks. I mean, it’s gotta be better than Shrek, right? It’s written and directed by the guys who made LILO & STITCH, which was pretty underappreciated at the time, and the character designs are kinda similar. The dragon designs are unique, and hey, Vikings! Ontario born Jay Baruchel (TROPIC THUNDER) voices the lead, and you gotta support local talent. Expect lots of AVATAR comparisons, at least with the whole dragon riding aspect. Should be fun, but it might have trouble getting IMAX screens, unless ALICE drops quickly.
4. GREEN ZONE - Mar 12. Matt Damon and Paul Greengrass have reteamed for what looks like THE BOURNE EXTRACTION. Damon plays a US Army officer who goes rogue looking for WMDs. After BOURNE SUPREMACY and ULTIMATUM, I’ll let these guys make whatever the hell they want and I’ll pony up the admission. Expect another intelligent, tight actioner.
5. SHE’S OUT OF MY LEAGUE - Mar 12. Hey look, it’s Jay Baruchel again! Except he’s corporeal in this one! What happens when a schlub ends up with a model (Alice Eve, a cute Brit who hasn’t really done anything of note)? I guess we’ll find out! This actually looks pretty good. Jay’s character seems pretty grounded, so if the material stays true to the character, it might be a sleeper. Or it might get all Shitty Hollywood Romantic Comedy on us and suck out loud.
6. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Mar 6, IMAX 3D. This would have been a lot higher, but many advance reviews have been horrific. I’m talking Tim Burton Killed My Dog bad. HOOK has been invoked. It’s actually a sequel to the story, and Alice has forgotten her adventures, but she’s back in Wonderland and needs to become its saviour. Hopefully those reviewers have had their souls extinguished and can’t enjoy anything anymore, but I’d at least go in with lowered expectations. Also, it wasn’t shot with 3D in mind, it’s all been added in post, so it won’t be nearly as immersive as it could have been. But wait! There’s a trailer for TRON: LEGACY to be seen! And brother, it’s nearly worth the admission price. It’ll make you want to skip summer and jump right to December. Well, almost.
7. HUBBLE 3D - Mar 19 - IMAX 3D. This has no chance of a decent release, sandwiched between ALICE and DRAGON, but hopefully it’ll get some matinee screenings. Ever wanted to see a shuttle launch in 3D? Me too! The material looks a little dry, but it should provide some spectacular footage.
8. THE BOUNTY HUNTER - Mar 19. Ah, the list is getting a little stinky already. Gerard Butler is a bounty hunter who gets to bring in his ex girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston. Of course, bad people want to kill her. Hell, good people probably want to kill her too. Okay, that’s mean. I take it back. This looks pretty goofy, and not necessarily the good kind of goofy. Mind you, director Andy Tennant has gone from directing episodes of PARKER LEWIS CAN’T LOSE and THE ADVENTURES OF BRISCO COUNTY JR to making crap like FOOL’S GOLD and SWEET HOME ALABAMA to. I imagine he’s locked into Shitty Hollywood Romantic Comedy mode now. Hey, that’s two SHRC references! I wonder if there’ll be another?
9. BROOKLYN’S FINEST - Mar 5. More like TRAINING DAY 2: BROOKLYN NIGHTS. It’s even got the same director and Ethan Hawke! This time, they’ve added Don Cheadle, Wesley Snipes, and Richard Gere to the mix. Just another New York Cop Drama. It’s actually closer in tone to THE DEPAHTED (spelling intentional) with an undercover cop tryin’ to get out and a clean cop tryin’ to get dirty, with a little “I’m two days from retirement” added for that extra flavour. It’s been in the can for over a year, so that’s always a good sign, right? But hey, it’s a paycheck for Vincent D’Onofrio.
10. DIARY OF A WIMPY KID - Mar 19. Kid’s movie. Kid’s movie. Move along. Nothing to see here. It’s basically a typical High School movie set in Junior High, based on a popular book and directed by the monster who made HOTEL FOR DOGS. Just keep walkin’.
11. REMEMBER ME - Mar 12. Finally, a test to see if the fangirls love Robert Pattinson, or if they love Edward. He’s a troubled loner, the son of a New York lawyer (Pierce Brosnan) who just keeps gettin’ into trouble, until he meets Emilie De Ravin (Claire from LOST). What I love most is that all the leads (British, Irish, and Aussie respectively) are putting on New Yawk accents with comical results. Poor Chris Cooper looks lost as Claire’s cop daddy, who just can’t trust the punk’s intentions. I’m hoping Edward gets her hooked on heroin and the whole thing turns into SID & NANCY, but that’s asking too much. I wonder which character will inevitably die a tragic death?
12. OUR FAMILY WEDDING - Mar 12. A black guy wants to marry a Latina (America Ferrera, UGLY BETTY herself). The black family interacts with the Mexican family with hilarious results! His dad is Forest Whitaker! Her dad is CARLOS EFFING MENCIA. Basically just casual racist jokes all around, and the trailer ends with a goat eating Viagra who then tries to rape Forest Whitaker. Let that nugget simmer for a while. I would LOVE to set up a camera in the theatre for the New York showings to see who laughs at what. Of course, even the trailer needs to show that Everything’s Going To Be Okay, just in case you thought they wouldn’t be able to get past the racial issues. Now, if Carlos Freaking Mencia’s character were to tragically and graphically die in a fire in the film, this would rocket straight to the top of the list, but that ain’t gonna happen.
So nothing truly exciting this month. I’m a little surprised by the lack of super-blockbusters, last year had Watchmen kicking things off. April will warm up the summer season with CLASH OF THE TITANS. But will it top the list? Well, yeah, probably, but you’ll have to wait to see.