So we're like, done again, I swear.
I think I failed to mention this, but my ex and I got back together [more than just sex basically >_>;]. We were 'dating' but not 'in a relationship'. Now, however, we are _done_
It kinda seems like breakup central around here, is it the weather? [Seems like a lot of breakups on my FL lately...]
Anyway, I am completely okay. I will always miss the times we had but he is not right for me. Our relationship was kind of silly, there was no glue to it. Our first fight happened and then that was that. One of the main reasons I got back with him was to try and work things out, but then I realized some things you just can't work out. You can't change anyone after all, and that's really what I was trying to do... He's awfully stubborn. I do think that some change should happen in relationships, I think that's healthy, but he wouldn't even budge.
I could probably spend a few pages badmouthing him but that's it, I'm done. The last two months have been like a massive headache. Essentially I was pretending, and I cannot do that anymore.
I also went to an indie movie tonight that my friend was in. Production wise, it was pretty damn horrible. But the story and some of the scenes were hilarious. If they fixed the sound and quality it would have been pretty good!
Eh anyway, I was just thinking about all the people there, the actors, and about how none of them were that particularly amazing, but how they were still doing what they loved and obviously had fun doing it. I'm jealous of that. Even with my ex, he's a dancer, and he really isn't that good. I would never say it to his face but I highly doubt he could ever make a living at it as far as performance goes. He just isn't that well rounded. He would be fine with teaching lessons, but I couldn't see him behind Beyonce or anything [lol]. But it doesn't matter, because he is doing what he loves. And this makes me bummed for two reasons.
1. My future, what I want to do with my life, I am not going to love it. It is going to depress me and take a toll on me and it's going to be a constant battle to stay afloat. At the same time I will not feel fulfilled in life if I don't do something.
2. There is nothing that I love to do. Everything I used to love I stopped due to lack of skill or praise or a combination of the two. For some reason I have psyched myself into believing that you must be good at things to do them-just loving it is not enough.
This is really depressing, I wish I had a different set of problems like talking too loud or smoking. Those would be relatively easy to change. But with me it's almost like I need to rework my personality... When I was in the car with my friend KD [friend in the movie], and her friend Ben was driving, it was sort of odd. We saw a dog and decided to follow it and then we drove around to find the massage parlor/prostitution fronts. There was no real concept of time, or an endpoint [we were going out to eat, eventually]. With me I have a set plan- get to Mall, go to so-and-so, and then I must do it and I cannot relax until I do and I won't stop along the way. But we just sort of drove around.
Even with life, I am doing this right now with college. And I majorly did this in high-school, I didn't bother to make friends because it wasn't about the journey, it was about the end result, finishing school and getting the hell out of there. Right now at school I would not have the friends that I have if they hadn't have extended themselves to me, because my goal is 'get out of junior college' and that's all that's in my head.
Which means one day I'll end up old and lonely and wondering where the hell my life went! And I don't want to be like that, so it's about time I started pouring myself into the journey, and the end result will come when it comes.
I'm going to start setting small goals and thrusting myself into awkward situations. I feel like I'm at a standstill and I am really not happy with myself.
*le sigh* I really don't want to be like this :\
Attn rori-friends: Meet-up. Must go. [RSVP]. Nao.
It kinda seems like breakup central around here, is it the weather? [Seems like a lot of breakups on my FL lately...]
Anyway, I am completely okay. I will always miss the times we had but he is not right for me. Our relationship was kind of silly, there was no glue to it. Our first fight happened and then that was that. One of the main reasons I got back with him was to try and work things out, but then I realized some things you just can't work out. You can't change anyone after all, and that's really what I was trying to do... He's awfully stubborn. I do think that some change should happen in relationships, I think that's healthy, but he wouldn't even budge.
I could probably spend a few pages badmouthing him but that's it, I'm done. The last two months have been like a massive headache. Essentially I was pretending, and I cannot do that anymore.
I also went to an indie movie tonight that my friend was in. Production wise, it was pretty damn horrible. But the story and some of the scenes were hilarious. If they fixed the sound and quality it would have been pretty good!
Eh anyway, I was just thinking about all the people there, the actors, and about how none of them were that particularly amazing, but how they were still doing what they loved and obviously had fun doing it. I'm jealous of that. Even with my ex, he's a dancer, and he really isn't that good. I would never say it to his face but I highly doubt he could ever make a living at it as far as performance goes. He just isn't that well rounded. He would be fine with teaching lessons, but I couldn't see him behind Beyonce or anything [lol]. But it doesn't matter, because he is doing what he loves. And this makes me bummed for two reasons.
1. My future, what I want to do with my life, I am not going to love it. It is going to depress me and take a toll on me and it's going to be a constant battle to stay afloat. At the same time I will not feel fulfilled in life if I don't do something.
2. There is nothing that I love to do. Everything I used to love I stopped due to lack of skill or praise or a combination of the two. For some reason I have psyched myself into believing that you must be good at things to do them-just loving it is not enough.
This is really depressing, I wish I had a different set of problems like talking too loud or smoking. Those would be relatively easy to change. But with me it's almost like I need to rework my personality... When I was in the car with my friend KD [friend in the movie], and her friend Ben was driving, it was sort of odd. We saw a dog and decided to follow it and then we drove around to find the massage parlor/prostitution fronts. There was no real concept of time, or an endpoint [we were going out to eat, eventually]. With me I have a set plan- get to Mall, go to so-and-so, and then I must do it and I cannot relax until I do and I won't stop along the way. But we just sort of drove around.
Even with life, I am doing this right now with college. And I majorly did this in high-school, I didn't bother to make friends because it wasn't about the journey, it was about the end result, finishing school and getting the hell out of there. Right now at school I would not have the friends that I have if they hadn't have extended themselves to me, because my goal is 'get out of junior college' and that's all that's in my head.
Which means one day I'll end up old and lonely and wondering where the hell my life went! And I don't want to be like that, so it's about time I started pouring myself into the journey, and the end result will come when it comes.
I'm going to start setting small goals and thrusting myself into awkward situations. I feel like I'm at a standstill and I am really not happy with myself.
*le sigh* I really don't want to be like this :\
Attn rori-friends: Meet-up. Must go. [RSVP]. Nao.