geraldine geraldine
proving myself for all the wrong reasons. saying things just to say them for sake of connection, or pleasing or something. nothing comes out right. the regrets are rightfully drawn. I am not the right person to have been doing the things i have been doing.
who is this person i have become?
i almost don't recognize myself anymore, but at the same time when i see the desperate, pathetic little ill-advised actions i take, especially lately, i see the familiarity in the disappointment. i cannot help but continually question the person i have become nor the choices i have made. i haven't changed, not in the ways that would have been better, not in the ways that somehow would've shown growth. but in the weakness i had hoped one day to work to overcome, if anyhting i have just further succumbed to these pathetic choices. i am such a fool.
I am disappointed in myself..... and as the dates loom, i attempt desperately to place this incessant pressure upon myself in this weak attempt, eventually failing to materialize tangibly. Pathetic. my character is sorely flawed, and if anything from the last few months is any indication, i am either a terrible, selfish and unhindering soul to act without regard, make choices without the tangible comprehension or cares.
I am complicated.
it isn't an excuse, it isnt a rationality, its just a fact. it has dictated the very actions i have taken.. and i suppose until i can really take any control over this pathetic-ness, it will continually suffocate the freedom i see others living through, and anchor me to these ideas that i find myself drowning in. i am conflicted by the love and selfishness that continually war within me and i am hating myself for it.
i have been trying for all the wrong reasons .....damn it.
who is this person i have become?
i almost don't recognize myself anymore, but at the same time when i see the desperate, pathetic little ill-advised actions i take, especially lately, i see the familiarity in the disappointment. i cannot help but continually question the person i have become nor the choices i have made. i haven't changed, not in the ways that would have been better, not in the ways that somehow would've shown growth. but in the weakness i had hoped one day to work to overcome, if anyhting i have just further succumbed to these pathetic choices. i am such a fool.
I am disappointed in myself..... and as the dates loom, i attempt desperately to place this incessant pressure upon myself in this weak attempt, eventually failing to materialize tangibly. Pathetic. my character is sorely flawed, and if anything from the last few months is any indication, i am either a terrible, selfish and unhindering soul to act without regard, make choices without the tangible comprehension or cares.
I am complicated.
it isn't an excuse, it isnt a rationality, its just a fact. it has dictated the very actions i have taken.. and i suppose until i can really take any control over this pathetic-ness, it will continually suffocate the freedom i see others living through, and anchor me to these ideas that i find myself drowning in. i am conflicted by the love and selfishness that continually war within me and i am hating myself for it.
i have been trying for all the wrong reasons .....damn it.