how many happy endings do you need to change your fucking mind?
He didn't come over last night, so he'll be here in 15 minutes instead. Am I really ready for this talk? I know damn well this is pretty much the "it's over but I'm trying to be nice about it so we can stay friends" talk, and I don't want that. Right now I'm feeling fine...totally sedated and unfeeling...but as soon as he gets here and I look in his eyes and I see how much he cares about me, I'll be a bawling mess, because I don't want to lose this.
- Part of me wishes I could just be friends with him after this, because I don't want to stop seeing him...I wish he was around all the time...because I've turned sappy. But part of me doesn't wish that, because it makes me feel like if I could, then I would have to care about him less in the first place for that to be possible...and as much as this hurts, I don't want to care about him less...am I stubborn or am I just becoming a true romantic?
- I'm not walking away because I can't have him in my life in any other capacity than as a lover. I'm not that shallow. I'm walking away so that I can have him in my life in some other capacity than as alover. If I'm going to have to accept nothing more than friendship with him, I can't build a friendship on this kind of tension and resentment...and I do resent him right now. I resent him for giving up on this. I resent him for letting go of something beautiful and risking losing it forever over confused feelings, over nothing, over he-doesn't-even-know-what. I resent him for not caring enough for me and the possibilities we have together figure out what the hell it is. I resent him because he won't tell me what's really going on.
- It kills me inside when he says "I'm not strong enough to not have you in my life" partially because I don't know if I'm strong enough for that either, and partially because I know that that's not enough to save this.
- I've been trying so hard to do everything on his terms. I'm always in the mood. I'm always happy with him. I always want to be with him. I've been chasing and not letting him chase me. So I wait for him to be in the mood. I wait for him to let me know what we are. I wait for him to be willing to shift around his schedule for me. I can't do that anymore. This has to be on my terms. And my terms are: I. Need. Time. and I need him, as a friend, to figure out what the hell is goingon in his head that makes him "not ready". Doesn't he know? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO "BE READY". NO ONE IS EVER READY FOR ANYTHING IN THEIR LIVES. If you think I was "ready" to say the word love again, you're fucking wrong. I struggled with it. I fucking cried over it. But I finally felt it enough that I had to risk it. This risk you're taking is a very different kind of risk.
- Yes, I'm crazy. I am fucking certifiable, and I'm working on figuring that shit out. He has been a fucking pillar of support for me. He's the first person I go to when I need someone. What do I do when it hurts to lean on him? What do I do when talking to him becomes the reason I'm upset? If he thinks it's easy for me to say no, to say "I will not see you. I will not talk to you. I can't." then he is dead fucking wrong, and I'm just trying to keep myself from being dead.
- He thinks it's wrong for me to walk away, but what am I supposed to do when he's shoving me out the door? Does he want me to sit out in the rain like a lost fucking puppy? No. I'm going to my own damn house and I'm locking my fucking doors. That doesn't make me the wrong one here. I'm trying to protect me from myself. I know what this puts me through - we tried it before and now I'm in deeper. I don't know what I'm capable of sometimes and yes, it scares me. I'm doing what I have to do to survive. You are doing what you have to do to avoid commitment, to avoid problems, to avoid getting in too deep? WHAT? I DON'T KNOW. But whatever it is, you are the one taking the risk by doing it. You are the one that feels this is important enough to risk losing me for good, so don't turn it around on me when things turn out like you hoped they wouldn't. I am not the one doing this. If you catch a bug and hold it for a while, but you don't feel like holding it and you open your hands and bare it to the world, and it flies away because that's what it knows to do to survive, are you going to get mad at the bug?
- I'm scared. I know that we need space and I'm scared that you won't come back to me if I give it to you. I'm scared of "out of sight, out of mind". I'm scared that I won't get that time with you to build a real relationship, one that you can't just drop because you "think you're not ready". I want that, and I'm scared to go looking for that with someone else. I want it to be you. We're already part of the way there, what are you so afraid of? I could make a few guesses, but they'd probably all be wrong. Besides, I'd just be catering to you again. I need you to tell me what the fuck is going on, and what was so damned worth giving us up.
- If you say "I'll always care about you" I will smack you in. the. face.
I got super drunk Thursday night and made the dreaded phone call...I cried a lot, I don't know what I said, and then his phone died and I thought he hung up on me. I cried more. I had bad thoughts. I wanted to die. I was scared. Thank you to anyone who talked to me that night (Onnie, Kelly, Alaska Nick [yes I called Alaska], "Corona" Karan) for just letting me be scared and just letting me cry and bitch and finally exhaust myself to sleep around 5am.
In other news, there is a bowl deoderizer in my bathroom cabinet overthe toilet. It's been there since we moved in. It's in green packaging. Someone wrote on it in ballpoint pen just under "Pleasantly Scented", "like Leah". That's a funny thing to find, and it made me smile. I could only guess who wrote it.
How long is it going to take for him to realize what he's done?
- Part of me wishes I could just be friends with him after this, because I don't want to stop seeing him...I wish he was around all the time...because I've turned sappy. But part of me doesn't wish that, because it makes me feel like if I could, then I would have to care about him less in the first place for that to be possible...and as much as this hurts, I don't want to care about him less...am I stubborn or am I just becoming a true romantic?
- I'm not walking away because I can't have him in my life in any other capacity than as a lover. I'm not that shallow. I'm walking away so that I can have him in my life in some other capacity than as alover. If I'm going to have to accept nothing more than friendship with him, I can't build a friendship on this kind of tension and resentment...and I do resent him right now. I resent him for giving up on this. I resent him for letting go of something beautiful and risking losing it forever over confused feelings, over nothing, over he-doesn't-even-know-what. I resent him for not caring enough for me and the possibilities we have together figure out what the hell it is. I resent him because he won't tell me what's really going on.
- It kills me inside when he says "I'm not strong enough to not have you in my life" partially because I don't know if I'm strong enough for that either, and partially because I know that that's not enough to save this.
- I've been trying so hard to do everything on his terms. I'm always in the mood. I'm always happy with him. I always want to be with him. I've been chasing and not letting him chase me. So I wait for him to be in the mood. I wait for him to let me know what we are. I wait for him to be willing to shift around his schedule for me. I can't do that anymore. This has to be on my terms. And my terms are: I. Need. Time. and I need him, as a friend, to figure out what the hell is goingon in his head that makes him "not ready". Doesn't he know? YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO "BE READY". NO ONE IS EVER READY FOR ANYTHING IN THEIR LIVES. If you think I was "ready" to say the word love again, you're fucking wrong. I struggled with it. I fucking cried over it. But I finally felt it enough that I had to risk it. This risk you're taking is a very different kind of risk.
- Yes, I'm crazy. I am fucking certifiable, and I'm working on figuring that shit out. He has been a fucking pillar of support for me. He's the first person I go to when I need someone. What do I do when it hurts to lean on him? What do I do when talking to him becomes the reason I'm upset? If he thinks it's easy for me to say no, to say "I will not see you. I will not talk to you. I can't." then he is dead fucking wrong, and I'm just trying to keep myself from being dead.
- He thinks it's wrong for me to walk away, but what am I supposed to do when he's shoving me out the door? Does he want me to sit out in the rain like a lost fucking puppy? No. I'm going to my own damn house and I'm locking my fucking doors. That doesn't make me the wrong one here. I'm trying to protect me from myself. I know what this puts me through - we tried it before and now I'm in deeper. I don't know what I'm capable of sometimes and yes, it scares me. I'm doing what I have to do to survive. You are doing what you have to do to avoid commitment, to avoid problems, to avoid getting in too deep? WHAT? I DON'T KNOW. But whatever it is, you are the one taking the risk by doing it. You are the one that feels this is important enough to risk losing me for good, so don't turn it around on me when things turn out like you hoped they wouldn't. I am not the one doing this. If you catch a bug and hold it for a while, but you don't feel like holding it and you open your hands and bare it to the world, and it flies away because that's what it knows to do to survive, are you going to get mad at the bug?
- I'm scared. I know that we need space and I'm scared that you won't come back to me if I give it to you. I'm scared of "out of sight, out of mind". I'm scared that I won't get that time with you to build a real relationship, one that you can't just drop because you "think you're not ready". I want that, and I'm scared to go looking for that with someone else. I want it to be you. We're already part of the way there, what are you so afraid of? I could make a few guesses, but they'd probably all be wrong. Besides, I'd just be catering to you again. I need you to tell me what the fuck is going on, and what was so damned worth giving us up.
- If you say "I'll always care about you" I will smack you in. the. face.
I got super drunk Thursday night and made the dreaded phone call...I cried a lot, I don't know what I said, and then his phone died and I thought he hung up on me. I cried more. I had bad thoughts. I wanted to die. I was scared. Thank you to anyone who talked to me that night (Onnie, Kelly, Alaska Nick [yes I called Alaska], "Corona" Karan) for just letting me be scared and just letting me cry and bitch and finally exhaust myself to sleep around 5am.
In other news, there is a bowl deoderizer in my bathroom cabinet overthe toilet. It's been there since we moved in. It's in green packaging. Someone wrote on it in ballpoint pen just under "Pleasantly Scented", "like Leah". That's a funny thing to find, and it made me smile. I could only guess who wrote it.
How long is it going to take for him to realize what he's done?