you thought that you could change his mind
it hurt more yesterday. I slept a lot. I wasted time like I'm wasting time now. Mom came up and we went for a walk around New Brunswick and got coffee. coffee makes me feel sick. vegan cookie bars from West End do not.
it hurt more because I think I'm done fighting it. I went back through my livejournal from the past 4 or 5 months. he was perfect. we were damned near perfect. I'm still not sure what changed, but I think I've gotten past blaming myself for it. I just don't want to make things worse. I want to get through a day with him without bringing it up. Talk about reaching for the lowest star.
What I really want is for him to want this again. He's already starting to regret it a little bit, but he's too stubborn about his decision to consider any other possibilities. Even if I could convince him to try to work this out, I'd be convincing him to try to work this out. I want him to want to be with me like I want to be with him. I want him to want to be with me the way he used to, when he'd text or call me just to say he missed me, even if we'd seen eachother hours before. I want him to work the word 'girlfriend' into every sentence he can and giggle and smile and look at me and tease "you're my giiiiirlfriend!" I want him to wrap his arms around me from behind in the middle of the night and kiss my shoulder just because it's the part of my body his lips can reach. I want that back more than anything in the world.
so I can't fight it anymore, because even if it worked I wouldn't have what I really want. I'd be settling almost as much as I'm settling now for this "just friends" thing. I want him to be with me because he can't imagine his life any other way anymore. right now, that's kind of why he's keeping me around as a friend. maybe Jenny's right. maybe I can't do that anymore.
maybe I really can't be "just friends".
it hurt more because I think I'm done fighting it. I went back through my livejournal from the past 4 or 5 months. he was perfect. we were damned near perfect. I'm still not sure what changed, but I think I've gotten past blaming myself for it. I just don't want to make things worse. I want to get through a day with him without bringing it up. Talk about reaching for the lowest star.
What I really want is for him to want this again. He's already starting to regret it a little bit, but he's too stubborn about his decision to consider any other possibilities. Even if I could convince him to try to work this out, I'd be convincing him to try to work this out. I want him to want to be with me like I want to be with him. I want him to want to be with me the way he used to, when he'd text or call me just to say he missed me, even if we'd seen eachother hours before. I want him to work the word 'girlfriend' into every sentence he can and giggle and smile and look at me and tease "you're my giiiiirlfriend!" I want him to wrap his arms around me from behind in the middle of the night and kiss my shoulder just because it's the part of my body his lips can reach. I want that back more than anything in the world.
so I can't fight it anymore, because even if it worked I wouldn't have what I really want. I'd be settling almost as much as I'm settling now for this "just friends" thing. I want him to be with me because he can't imagine his life any other way anymore. right now, that's kind of why he's keeping me around as a friend. maybe Jenny's right. maybe I can't do that anymore.
maybe I really can't be "just friends".