just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
There's something both interesting and sad to see how life picks up without you there. There are people I have, for one reason or another, chosen to stop talking to, or don't talk to as much, but I maintain at least a passing interest in their daily lives. Some, perhaps I should cut loose entirely, as it just breaks my heart over and over. Others I want to pull even closer because I don't want them to go away. At least one or two I want to kick before I let them come any closer. But I look in on them, here and there. I'm curious, but I'm also quite saddened by the bittersweetness of it all.
From what I can see, game goes on without a hitch, school goes on, and people suffer their various frustrations and sorrows. Without a weekly thing, I have trouble remembering what day it is. I have also found the following truths to be self-evident:
-When someone claims neutrality in a collective argument, they've already picked a side--it's just not yours.
-Real friendships can only last as long as you're willing to put work into them.
-If your friends use geek colloquialisms to remind you on a regular basis what a dumb slut you are, maybe you need new friends.
Relationships with people are interesting to watch, if a bit painful. Bruce is moving in with his girlfriend, Steve is moving down with his girlfriend(?), and Carter has a new girlfriend. I like her, which makes it both easy and difficult to try and move on. I find myself looking back on what was, and wondering if I had any kind of positive affect on the men in my life. I wonder if I screwed them up at all--I really fear that I have sometimes. I find myself wondering if I'm a difficult person to love. I have an Easter basket of mental quirks brought on by a lifetime of being bullied or injured in one fashion or another, and as much as I try to shake it, I carry all of those pains with me. Some days they're easier to bear than others. They were probably a driving force in the death of many a relationship. I've felt myself go through the same circles over and over and felt powerless to stop them. I feel there is damage that's been done that needs to be repaired, but not totally sure how to do it. I fear my past and my being haunted by it will have a negative impact on my relationship now. I know I need to sort things out, and probably going back to therapy could help. However, I've been burned enough times by bad shrinks that I'm hesitant to take any more chances with them.
I accept that life goes on with or without you, but with my friends--my true friends--I would much rather it be with me. I want my friendship, my life to mean something positive to the people who keep my company. Things are hard now, but I have to trust that they will get better. My job sucks and school is hard, but thank God I have people who care about me, otherwise I don't know how I would ever make it.
From what I can see, game goes on without a hitch, school goes on, and people suffer their various frustrations and sorrows. Without a weekly thing, I have trouble remembering what day it is. I have also found the following truths to be self-evident:
-When someone claims neutrality in a collective argument, they've already picked a side--it's just not yours.
-Real friendships can only last as long as you're willing to put work into them.
-If your friends use geek colloquialisms to remind you on a regular basis what a dumb slut you are, maybe you need new friends.
Relationships with people are interesting to watch, if a bit painful. Bruce is moving in with his girlfriend, Steve is moving down with his girlfriend(?), and Carter has a new girlfriend. I like her, which makes it both easy and difficult to try and move on. I find myself looking back on what was, and wondering if I had any kind of positive affect on the men in my life. I wonder if I screwed them up at all--I really fear that I have sometimes. I find myself wondering if I'm a difficult person to love. I have an Easter basket of mental quirks brought on by a lifetime of being bullied or injured in one fashion or another, and as much as I try to shake it, I carry all of those pains with me. Some days they're easier to bear than others. They were probably a driving force in the death of many a relationship. I've felt myself go through the same circles over and over and felt powerless to stop them. I feel there is damage that's been done that needs to be repaired, but not totally sure how to do it. I fear my past and my being haunted by it will have a negative impact on my relationship now. I know I need to sort things out, and probably going back to therapy could help. However, I've been burned enough times by bad shrinks that I'm hesitant to take any more chances with them.
I accept that life goes on with or without you, but with my friends--my true friends--I would much rather it be with me. I want my friendship, my life to mean something positive to the people who keep my company. Things are hard now, but I have to trust that they will get better. My job sucks and school is hard, but thank God I have people who care about me, otherwise I don't know how I would ever make it.