(no subject)
*sighs*
i dont wanna go to school...i really want to skip....its ten o four and im really bored and not sleepy...i slept till two today so im rested....everyone is asleep already....at least i hope mom is cause im not supposed to be on the computer...i hate the childish curfues she gives me...ten? i can understand being home at ten on a school night but being off the computer? thats just stupid....
courtney drove me to aj's today....can u believe mom let her do that? i was shocked....
i dunno....the only thing riding with courtney did was make me feel a little more free....i dunno why riding with courtney makes me feel more free than riding with josh...maybe cause courntey is my age and we've been friends since we were really young and have always imagined what it would be like when we were old enough to drive each other places....it felt great though....then it didnt...
it just got me thinking about how much i just want to get away and be on my own....i dont want to drive just so i can be my own form of transportation or just because i need something from walmart...i need to drive by myself so i can be free....to feel the wind in my hair from the open window and choose the music i want to listen to and sing it as loud as i want because no one is listening....because no one is around to make me feel embarresed by my own voice....because mom's not there to say slow down....or come to a complete stop....i just want to get away....to be somewhere alone....to discover who i am without having someone there to bother me and withough having moms chains on my legs and her handcuffs on my hands....i need freedom so bad i can taste it, and its so close....but they wont let me have it...why do i feel like my family is just holding me down? like im nothing like them? like all they want to do is tell me where to go and who to be and what to say and how to dress and who to be friends with and to go to church? i hate it so bad...it just makes me so angry...i just hate it and i hate them for doing it...
why cant i be more like alaina? they obviously did the same thing to her and chad....so why am i breaking down and they made it through just fine? why am i such a bother? why is mom having so much more trouble raising me than alaina or chad...shes said herself i am the hardest....im the most trouble....the biggest bother....if alaina made it through this just fine then i am obviously nothing like her....god, i need a therapist....maybe he can tell me if im nuts and crazy or if my family is....im so god damn weak....i cant stand up for myself at all and i cant take this...i cant even take my own family's pressure so how can i take anyone elses? im such a weak person and such a selfish bitch....thats all i ever think of is just how hard it is to be here with this family of mine how hard it is for ME....not for them....for ME...moms sick of it...she said so...the other day when i was upset she would let me drive to wall mart she came in and yelled at me...and said "I'M SO SICK OF THIS POOR PITTIFUL ME SHIT!!!"
is there something wrong with me???? what is it???? is it them?
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to run away!!!!!!!!! i want to be like sarah (sarah m.) and do something incredibly sneaky and get away with it....be a sneaky snake as she calls it.....but get farther than the drive way lol.....get a lot farther than the drive way....
sigh...im going to go crazy when im eighteen...i just know it...
i dont wanna go to school...i really want to skip....its ten o four and im really bored and not sleepy...i slept till two today so im rested....everyone is asleep already....at least i hope mom is cause im not supposed to be on the computer...i hate the childish curfues she gives me...ten? i can understand being home at ten on a school night but being off the computer? thats just stupid....
courtney drove me to aj's today....can u believe mom let her do that? i was shocked....
i dunno....the only thing riding with courtney did was make me feel a little more free....i dunno why riding with courtney makes me feel more free than riding with josh...maybe cause courntey is my age and we've been friends since we were really young and have always imagined what it would be like when we were old enough to drive each other places....it felt great though....then it didnt...
it just got me thinking about how much i just want to get away and be on my own....i dont want to drive just so i can be my own form of transportation or just because i need something from walmart...i need to drive by myself so i can be free....to feel the wind in my hair from the open window and choose the music i want to listen to and sing it as loud as i want because no one is listening....because no one is around to make me feel embarresed by my own voice....because mom's not there to say slow down....or come to a complete stop....i just want to get away....to be somewhere alone....to discover who i am without having someone there to bother me and withough having moms chains on my legs and her handcuffs on my hands....i need freedom so bad i can taste it, and its so close....but they wont let me have it...why do i feel like my family is just holding me down? like im nothing like them? like all they want to do is tell me where to go and who to be and what to say and how to dress and who to be friends with and to go to church? i hate it so bad...it just makes me so angry...i just hate it and i hate them for doing it...
why cant i be more like alaina? they obviously did the same thing to her and chad....so why am i breaking down and they made it through just fine? why am i such a bother? why is mom having so much more trouble raising me than alaina or chad...shes said herself i am the hardest....im the most trouble....the biggest bother....if alaina made it through this just fine then i am obviously nothing like her....god, i need a therapist....maybe he can tell me if im nuts and crazy or if my family is....im so god damn weak....i cant stand up for myself at all and i cant take this...i cant even take my own family's pressure so how can i take anyone elses? im such a weak person and such a selfish bitch....thats all i ever think of is just how hard it is to be here with this family of mine how hard it is for ME....not for them....for ME...moms sick of it...she said so...the other day when i was upset she would let me drive to wall mart she came in and yelled at me...and said "I'M SO SICK OF THIS POOR PITTIFUL ME SHIT!!!"
is there something wrong with me???? what is it???? is it them?
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to run away!!!!!!!!! i want to be like sarah (sarah m.) and do something incredibly sneaky and get away with it....be a sneaky snake as she calls it.....but get farther than the drive way lol.....get a lot farther than the drive way....
sigh...im going to go crazy when im eighteen...i just know it...