Emotional surgery
I'm just starting to return to some semblance of normality.
Jeff's death is still somewhat unsettled, but it was most likely accidental. Getting the news of this Saturday afternoon from his parents immediately melted the rage I had been feeling... only to replace it with uncontrollable grief. As horrible as it feels, I'm far happier knowing that I will continue to remember him based on my love for him as opposed to spiteful anger.
Saturday afternoon, Tim (Jeff's current boyfriend) called Mike and I in hysterics. We drove out and picked him up. I can relate to how this has affected him. He's an incredibly sweet and caring boy and I'm glad that Jeff had him in his life. The three of us spent every moment together until this morning when they dropped me off at work. I've grown to love him dearly and love Mike even more. The three of us all agree that we became brothers over these past few days.
We attended Jeff's wake Sunday. It was both beautiful and horrifying. He didn't look right.... kindda like a faded photocopy of the real thing. I realized later that this was most likely due to the charisma of his spirit being vacant. Mike and I both broke down a couple times... it was good to be able to cry. I tried to remain strong for Tim as much as I could. He was having a very tough time with it. I held him tight and would pull him away from his pain occasionally by browsing the two huge collages of photos his family had put up... photos of the 'real' Jeff. The Jeff that we both fell madly in love with... the boy with the golden smile that could melt anyone's heart. It was also very therapeutic for me to reconnect with Jeff's core group of friends again. We're all going to make an honest effort to keep in touch from now on.
Monday morning the three of us went to the funeral. It was very difficult, but I'm glad we went. The funeral procession was surreal... the sky was grey and the cold and snow had set in... not to mention the 30 minute drive to the cemetery. His grave is in the perfect little spot. a young maple tree marks the spot where his body has been laid to rest. The three of us went to the reception afterwards for a little while. Afterwards, we went back to my place to retell our fondest stories of our lives with Jeff. We decided to each get a small tattoo as a reminder of our fondest memory of him. I'm getting the bracelet that I gave him for his birthday inked on my ankle. Tim is going to try to get me the actual bracelet back when he helps Jeff's mother go through his belongings after a few weeks.
Mike and I are even closer. Tim and I will become the best of friends. Even Tony and I have patched things up. All in all, I've gained alot of good because of my brief relationship with Jeff... as rocky as it was. I have to thank him for that... and for giving me the opportunity to fall in love with him all over again.
Rest in peace Jeffrey G. Church... you will be missed.
No Time for Goodbye
You never said "I'm leaving"
You never said "goodbye"
You were gone before we knew it
and only God knew why
A million times we needed you
A million times we cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our hearts you hold a place
That no one could ever fill
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God took you home
Jeff's death is still somewhat unsettled, but it was most likely accidental. Getting the news of this Saturday afternoon from his parents immediately melted the rage I had been feeling... only to replace it with uncontrollable grief. As horrible as it feels, I'm far happier knowing that I will continue to remember him based on my love for him as opposed to spiteful anger.
Saturday afternoon, Tim (Jeff's current boyfriend) called Mike and I in hysterics. We drove out and picked him up. I can relate to how this has affected him. He's an incredibly sweet and caring boy and I'm glad that Jeff had him in his life. The three of us spent every moment together until this morning when they dropped me off at work. I've grown to love him dearly and love Mike even more. The three of us all agree that we became brothers over these past few days.
We attended Jeff's wake Sunday. It was both beautiful and horrifying. He didn't look right.... kindda like a faded photocopy of the real thing. I realized later that this was most likely due to the charisma of his spirit being vacant. Mike and I both broke down a couple times... it was good to be able to cry. I tried to remain strong for Tim as much as I could. He was having a very tough time with it. I held him tight and would pull him away from his pain occasionally by browsing the two huge collages of photos his family had put up... photos of the 'real' Jeff. The Jeff that we both fell madly in love with... the boy with the golden smile that could melt anyone's heart. It was also very therapeutic for me to reconnect with Jeff's core group of friends again. We're all going to make an honest effort to keep in touch from now on.
Monday morning the three of us went to the funeral. It was very difficult, but I'm glad we went. The funeral procession was surreal... the sky was grey and the cold and snow had set in... not to mention the 30 minute drive to the cemetery. His grave is in the perfect little spot. a young maple tree marks the spot where his body has been laid to rest. The three of us went to the reception afterwards for a little while. Afterwards, we went back to my place to retell our fondest stories of our lives with Jeff. We decided to each get a small tattoo as a reminder of our fondest memory of him. I'm getting the bracelet that I gave him for his birthday inked on my ankle. Tim is going to try to get me the actual bracelet back when he helps Jeff's mother go through his belongings after a few weeks.
Mike and I are even closer. Tim and I will become the best of friends. Even Tony and I have patched things up. All in all, I've gained alot of good because of my brief relationship with Jeff... as rocky as it was. I have to thank him for that... and for giving me the opportunity to fall in love with him all over again.
Rest in peace Jeffrey G. Church... you will be missed.
No Time for Goodbye
You never said "I'm leaving"
You never said "goodbye"
You were gone before we knew it
and only God knew why
A million times we needed you
A million times we cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died
In life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our hearts you hold a place
That no one could ever fill
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God took you home