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[bastardsun]

i think alcohol is bad for me, in any quantity. i went out with a buddy of mine tonight. an actor friend and really great, generous person. we are opposites in many ways but we get along okay. he is outgoing, is very garrulous, good sense of humour, all american good looks, smooth with the ladies, blah, blah, i guess i'm envious. anyway, i only drank 2 goddamn beers and am not even the least bit tipsy. but i feel very upset right now. (?)(!) i want to punch holes in the walls and cry.....that would scare the shit outta my roommates though.

the drink makes the demons stir and makes me think about all the dark, repressed shit about myself that i don't wish to face. i hate feeling this way. i hate feeling that after almost 34 years on this planet, i still have no idea who i am and am confused by my own behaviour. i have not the will to change and i hate myself for it.

.....someday i'll figure all this out.