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Jun 27, 2006 23:35

I really wish I could say differently, but this empty feeling is quite haunting.  I can't shake the feeling that something is missing from my life.  Even when I spend days caught up in a river of bliss, there is still that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is askew.  A view askew.  I've been struggling with staying on schedule with running.  But then again, any quick glance at a running page will show that I am not the only one plagued by the infrequency of exercise.  Still, I wonder what it will take to fill this gap.  Although, when I really think about it, I'm not looking for a cork.  I'm looking for a healing stroke.  I have been realizing how bittered I have become from the world when I look back at how I used to be.  The value of hindsight is 20/20, but it also does a good job of developing foresight.  As I read through Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse I see all the things that used to thrive within me, and it is astonishing, almost sickening, just how much of myself has been changed or lost through experiences.  The sword of experience is two-sided, however, in that while it takes away certain parts, it adds new ones.  Experience IS the best teacher.  Striving to become a better person is not healing this hole though.  As rewarding as it is, meditation might actually be widening this gap.  Maybe this is because meditation forces you to really get to know yourself.  You can not hide from yourself when you turn towards your self.  Hmmm.  I have not thought about that before.

Another side to this problem is You.
I know that it will never be the same with You.
"You can lie to yourself and all your friends,
pretend it's not there,
but circumstance gets in the way."

The only place these thoughts lead is back to themselves.  By the time they make a full loop, the hole is no longer emptiness, it is nausea.
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