Worthless Self...
I got an email today in my WWU account saying that Phillip Thomas had posted a response to my question on FaceBook. Once again I feel the sensation like a knife in the heart as I read his words
"Francine asked me to"
Phillip will be the TA again at Merrowstone this summer. Tara will graduate at the end of Spring quarter and is still waiting to hear back as to whether or not she made it into UW for a Master's in Bassoon Performance. And here I sit, useless, worthless, forgotten, and mostly alone. My mom says to stop worrying about other people because it upsets me. Every time I try to forget, no matter where I go, I am reminded of how worthless I am.
I thought I had friends. I've found that no one cares. I thought I was working hard, trying to improve. No one ever notices. Everyone around me is praised while I am put down and forgotten. Everyone else has someone to talk to while I am yelled at and forgotten. Everyone else makes advances and gets parts while I struggle to find opportunities to perform. Everyone else has their own opinions until they hear mine then they can only copy me. They get to make their dreams come true and I watch mine fall to the way side.
I hate life. I hate people. I hate music. I hate living. I hate dealing. I hate everything.
I just don't want to be yelled at. I just want someone to care. I know my parents and Matthew care, but am I worthless to everyone else? Will anyone ever care? Anyone near my age?
"Francine asked me to"
Phillip will be the TA again at Merrowstone this summer. Tara will graduate at the end of Spring quarter and is still waiting to hear back as to whether or not she made it into UW for a Master's in Bassoon Performance. And here I sit, useless, worthless, forgotten, and mostly alone. My mom says to stop worrying about other people because it upsets me. Every time I try to forget, no matter where I go, I am reminded of how worthless I am.
I thought I had friends. I've found that no one cares. I thought I was working hard, trying to improve. No one ever notices. Everyone around me is praised while I am put down and forgotten. Everyone else has someone to talk to while I am yelled at and forgotten. Everyone else makes advances and gets parts while I struggle to find opportunities to perform. Everyone else has their own opinions until they hear mine then they can only copy me. They get to make their dreams come true and I watch mine fall to the way side.
I hate life. I hate people. I hate music. I hate living. I hate dealing. I hate everything.
I just don't want to be yelled at. I just want someone to care. I know my parents and Matthew care, but am I worthless to everyone else? Will anyone ever care? Anyone near my age?