FIC: He Isn't Sure
Name: He Isn’t Sure
Rating: R
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Summary: He’s not sure when it started.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or Sam and Dean.
Author’s Note: It’s amazing what comes from your brain at 6am...
He isn’t sure when it started.
He remembers the first time they had sex. Slow, fumbled, not at all good. But they had loved it. it was new. They’d both had sex before - with women - but that was before they realised how it felt.
It felt like a betrayal of each other.
So they’d found each other again. Like when they were kids.
He’s still not sure when it started.
He remembers the day he decided to leave home. Remembers Dean saying what was between them was wrong. And he remembers asking,
“Are you breaking up with me?”
But they couldn’t break up. They weren’t a couple Dean said. Sam thought they were.
He didn’t know when it started but it hurt for it to be over.
He remembers the day he saw Dean again. It hurt him to see Dean. It hurt Dean to see Jess. It was in his eyes.
The tension was there. Sexual and emotional. He wanted to reach out and touch his brother. To tel him he missed him. To tell him he was in love with him.
He doesn’t know when he fell.
He remembers Sarah Moore. Remembers her screaming when she found them together in a disused classroom one of the times they actually attended school. He remembers their dad hitting them when the teacher called. The only time he ever hit them.
He still doesn’t know.
He remembers always being close to his brother. All through life he remembers loving him more than their dad. His dad didn’t look after him half as well as Dean. He guessed, for a long time, that was why he felt safe and loved wrapped in his older brother’s arms. Nothing more.
He isn’t sure when he realised he was wrong.
He doesn’t remember when Dean’s soft goodnight kisses turned into more. He doesn’t remember when Dean first climbed into his bed next to him.
He doesn’t know when their relationship changed.
He remembers the first time he came with his brother’s name on his lips, buried deep in his then girlfriend. He doesn’t remember how he felt about it. only her disgusted slap.
He isn’t sure when it really started.
But as he holds his brother close, bare legs tangled together, arms holding onto each other tight as they attempt to sleep he knows.
Sam knows.
He knows it doesn’t matter.