im back......i think
im back, yet a part of me is gone....i dont know how to get it back.....
i am back from hawaii, and i did not get to see the people i wanted to see when i was there.....that REALLY pissed me off....the truth is that i was WICKED pissed at my 'other' so i wasnt much company. plus i diddnt want to pawn off the boys on my grandma so i could go see my friends. *sigh*
in a nutshell, i had a wonderfull time with my ladybug, i had a wonderful time with my boys, and i had a few wonderfull times with my husband that were overshaddowed by him being a total idiot. and it HURTS. it STILL hurts. and a part of me is still WICKED PISSED...but im trying not to show it, and trying to just move on.
this was supposed to be our chance to be able to enjoy each other as a couple...grandma wanted to watch the boys each night so we could go out and just enjoy each other....paint the town and have FUN....but something i wont go into overshadowed that...and i am still stinging from that pain.
....but im supposed to just forgive, forget and move on.....and for the most part, i have. I love him, i have enjoyed the last few days with him, and we feel normal again....but dammit, he fucked up. and its not the first time, and im wondering when the next time will be.
basically i have realized that yes, i have changed. A LOT. and not just physically, i have changed emotionally and spiritually as well. I NEED more. I love me, i love the way i am now, and i LOVE my husband....but im not willing to settle for the half-assed version of him anymore. i want ALL of him, not the watered down version i have been accepting for the last few years. I KNOW he loves me, and i love him with all my heart....BUT i have a HUGE wall i am putting up between us because i am tired of being hurt. i HATE hurting. I HATE someone having so much power over my own emotions......
....i suggested counseling....he said there is nothing wrong with us, that every relationship has 'bumps'.....i think i am going to seek counseling anyways....i am just PISSED and i dont know how to get passed it all.....
....things are alright for a whlie, then WHAMMO, i am emotionally stung again, and i am supposed to just 'get over it' and move on.....dammit, i am tired of my heart being hurt....i just dont know how to deal with it anymore....except to vent.
*sigh*
anyways, i swam with my kids, did TONS of fun stuff with them, danced at the luau with my husband, dragged him to the beach to watch a sunset *once* and had tons of fun with my ladybug. LOTS of beach lounging, lots of swimming...i did a ton of swimming with hammerheads, lots of fish and a dolphin.....
i went on a 'shark hunting' charter *laughs* and i caught a little trigger fish and a teeny hammerhead....shit, i SWAM with hammerheads bigger than the one we caught...*sigh* next year, im paying for a REAL charter....*le sigh*
...and the sadness and frustration was always there, on top of it....overshadowing it all....i wish it had not happened.....
dammit....
anyways....some pics....i only have some of the digital camera pics...ill develop the 4 rolls of old fashioned film tuesday and post some of those too....
....i love o'ahu....i miss it.....i miss the aloha....i really miss the people that i met there and the friends i made there on waikiki.....i miss waikiki....even with all the concrete jungle, all the tourists, and all that...it is still fantastically beautiful....if i ever move anywhere again in my life, it will be to o'ahu....i feel so conected to it...it feels like i belong there....my heart has an anchor there....my beloved grandfather is there....and i feel like a part of me is missing when i leave...how could a physical place have so much power over a person....i feel drawn to the mountains, the rain, lingering in mists around the tips of them.....the water, the bright blue ocean becconing to me to swim, to be embraced by its warm water.....god i need that....i LOVE the ocean there....i spent MOST of my time in on or looking at the ocean....HOURS AND HOURS swimming in that liquid bliss....it heals my soul every time i am there...i feel rejuvinated.....and with all that happened on this trip, i needed that connection to my true soul. my spirit is somehow anchored there....drawn there....and someday i will be going back to stay.
anyways, enough rambling....pictures!
A happy moment with me and shannon at the luau...we DID have many happy moments...i just wish they werent overshadowed by stupid shit....*sigh*
My Ladybug...she means the world to me....
Waikiki sunset....stunning as always....
my little tim at the magic show....the kids LOVED it, and tim spent about 15 minuts up on stage as the helper, completely stealing the show...it was SO FUNNY!
the extremely sexy fireknife dancer....O M G he was sexy...wish the pictures did it justice.....
I already KNOW it looks like he is farting fire in this one, but you can REALLY see hgis abs, and HOLY MOLEY you can see his package!!!!
another pretty waikiki sunset
This was our recovery day...trying to find each other again...it was a good evening with him...i was finally happy again. :-)
Me and my best friend Dina Bear in california...we had a BLAST!
i love sunsets....this one in ventura harbor, ca
me bein a nutball......
ill post more pics when i get them developed....now its time to mow the lawn, sweep up the masses of pine needles in my driveway, swim in the pool with my dog and kids, make dinner, unpack all the luggage, and get my stuff ready for work tomorrow.....
c-ya soon! missed you all! *huggles* ~Shelby
i am back from hawaii, and i did not get to see the people i wanted to see when i was there.....that REALLY pissed me off....the truth is that i was WICKED pissed at my 'other' so i wasnt much company. plus i diddnt want to pawn off the boys on my grandma so i could go see my friends. *sigh*
in a nutshell, i had a wonderfull time with my ladybug, i had a wonderful time with my boys, and i had a few wonderfull times with my husband that were overshaddowed by him being a total idiot. and it HURTS. it STILL hurts. and a part of me is still WICKED PISSED...but im trying not to show it, and trying to just move on.
this was supposed to be our chance to be able to enjoy each other as a couple...grandma wanted to watch the boys each night so we could go out and just enjoy each other....paint the town and have FUN....but something i wont go into overshadowed that...and i am still stinging from that pain.
....but im supposed to just forgive, forget and move on.....and for the most part, i have. I love him, i have enjoyed the last few days with him, and we feel normal again....but dammit, he fucked up. and its not the first time, and im wondering when the next time will be.
basically i have realized that yes, i have changed. A LOT. and not just physically, i have changed emotionally and spiritually as well. I NEED more. I love me, i love the way i am now, and i LOVE my husband....but im not willing to settle for the half-assed version of him anymore. i want ALL of him, not the watered down version i have been accepting for the last few years. I KNOW he loves me, and i love him with all my heart....BUT i have a HUGE wall i am putting up between us because i am tired of being hurt. i HATE hurting. I HATE someone having so much power over my own emotions......
....i suggested counseling....he said there is nothing wrong with us, that every relationship has 'bumps'.....i think i am going to seek counseling anyways....i am just PISSED and i dont know how to get passed it all.....
....things are alright for a whlie, then WHAMMO, i am emotionally stung again, and i am supposed to just 'get over it' and move on.....dammit, i am tired of my heart being hurt....i just dont know how to deal with it anymore....except to vent.
*sigh*
anyways, i swam with my kids, did TONS of fun stuff with them, danced at the luau with my husband, dragged him to the beach to watch a sunset *once* and had tons of fun with my ladybug. LOTS of beach lounging, lots of swimming...i did a ton of swimming with hammerheads, lots of fish and a dolphin.....
i went on a 'shark hunting' charter *laughs* and i caught a little trigger fish and a teeny hammerhead....shit, i SWAM with hammerheads bigger than the one we caught...*sigh* next year, im paying for a REAL charter....*le sigh*
...and the sadness and frustration was always there, on top of it....overshadowing it all....i wish it had not happened.....
dammit....
anyways....some pics....i only have some of the digital camera pics...ill develop the 4 rolls of old fashioned film tuesday and post some of those too....
....i love o'ahu....i miss it.....i miss the aloha....i really miss the people that i met there and the friends i made there on waikiki.....i miss waikiki....even with all the concrete jungle, all the tourists, and all that...it is still fantastically beautiful....if i ever move anywhere again in my life, it will be to o'ahu....i feel so conected to it...it feels like i belong there....my heart has an anchor there....my beloved grandfather is there....and i feel like a part of me is missing when i leave...how could a physical place have so much power over a person....i feel drawn to the mountains, the rain, lingering in mists around the tips of them.....the water, the bright blue ocean becconing to me to swim, to be embraced by its warm water.....god i need that....i LOVE the ocean there....i spent MOST of my time in on or looking at the ocean....HOURS AND HOURS swimming in that liquid bliss....it heals my soul every time i am there...i feel rejuvinated.....and with all that happened on this trip, i needed that connection to my true soul. my spirit is somehow anchored there....drawn there....and someday i will be going back to stay.
anyways, enough rambling....pictures!
A happy moment with me and shannon at the luau...we DID have many happy moments...i just wish they werent overshadowed by stupid shit....*sigh*
My Ladybug...she means the world to me....
Waikiki sunset....stunning as always....
my little tim at the magic show....the kids LOVED it, and tim spent about 15 minuts up on stage as the helper, completely stealing the show...it was SO FUNNY!
the extremely sexy fireknife dancer....O M G he was sexy...wish the pictures did it justice.....
I already KNOW it looks like he is farting fire in this one, but you can REALLY see hgis abs, and HOLY MOLEY you can see his package!!!!
another pretty waikiki sunset
This was our recovery day...trying to find each other again...it was a good evening with him...i was finally happy again. :-)
Me and my best friend Dina Bear in california...we had a BLAST!
i love sunsets....this one in ventura harbor, ca
me bein a nutball......
ill post more pics when i get them developed....now its time to mow the lawn, sweep up the masses of pine needles in my driveway, swim in the pool with my dog and kids, make dinner, unpack all the luggage, and get my stuff ready for work tomorrow.....
c-ya soon! missed you all! *huggles* ~Shelby