I pretend I'm ok, but it aches inside...there's gotta be a way that's better than just getting by...
I was just minding my own business last night, just relaxing and watching a movie when I got a text from Ryan:
"Where have you been all my life Rachel!"
Me: "What makes you say that?"
R: "Honestly? Well... I miss you..."
Me: "I miss you too. I'll see you in ten days"
R: "I miss you more! Fuck ten days... Come now..."
Me: "You come here! I have my entire apt. to myself and I've been cooking every night"
R: "How the fuck did you manage that? You didn't kill them did you... You can tell me..."
Me: "Lol no they all went home for winter break. I'm alone until New Years"
R: "Hmmmmm. I would have a place to lay my head (sleep)?"
Me: "Yes I thought I told you this already"
R: "Wow... And you would cook me four meals a day?"
Me: "Lol well I'd be cooking for us"
He called me a little after that and said he’s going to try to come to LA this Sunday and Monday. However, it’s sort of a long shot and he wouldn’t be here for more than a day and a half. But if he wants to really see me and misses me as much as he says he does, he’ll come. I’m not trying to get my hopes up in the meantime. If I don’t see him this weekend I will see him next weekend when I come home for Christmas. It would be nice to have some company though. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little lonely, but I have also been enjoying the peace and quiet.
Even though I had to get up at five this morning for practice, for the life of me I could not go to sleep last night. Thanks to Ryan’s news I was wide awake with hope and excitement, the very thing I said I wouldn’t do. My mind ran wild with thoughts of what to do and scenarios of what could happen if he came. Then I realized something…this weekend will be a year since the best night of my life with that guy. Will the stars align for another miracle this time? As much as I try not to think about it, God knows I hope it happens again.
And as if my already complicated so-called love life couldn’t get even more ridiculous, I heard some new and somewhat disheartening news about Mike. When I asked Ryan if he had heard from him he said that Mike had been MIA for a while. But Ryan has been spending a lot of time ironically with Mike’s close friend DJ with whom I’m also acquainted with. DJ has been keeping Ryan informed of what Mike has been up to. Ryan paused, as if to gather his thoughts, and I knew he had something to say that was uncomfortable. He said, you remember that girl that was Mike’s friend that Mike and I always used to make fun of for getting fat, well I think her and Mike are kind of dating now and he’s embarrassed to tell me about it because we used to make fun of her.
I had already suspected that Mike was seeing someone months ago so I had prepared myself for some time now, but to actually hear it officially still stung. And the fact that he has probably strategically avoided talking to me or Ryan beyond texting just shows the flakiness of his character. When we broke up he was worried about me being weird, when he has always been the one to make things awkward. It is unbelievable and irritating to know he tried to flip the situation and make me seem like I’m the weak one. I really could care less about who he dates because I lost all attraction I ever had for him even when we were still together. I guess the sting just comes from my pride being hurt because this just shows that I made a poor judgment in his character. I actually laughed when Ryan basically told me Mike was dating a chubby monkey.
So with that said, my 2007 has been a crazy and complicated one with regards to the love triangle I hurled myself into with full force. At least there isn’t a triangle anymore. One basically eliminated himself, and the other one, well, I haven’t quite figured out what the deal is with that one yet. Some days I’m so over him and accepting of the “friend” role, and then there are moments like last night where I dare to dream of my happy ending with him, like in a movie, and after years of friendship he finally realizes what’s been in front of him all along. What a love story that would be. I’ve always dreamed of having a story like that in my life, I just don’t think I’m lucky enough to have that dream come true. It’s something I can’t get control of.
"Where have you been all my life Rachel!"
Me: "What makes you say that?"
R: "Honestly? Well... I miss you..."
Me: "I miss you too. I'll see you in ten days"
R: "I miss you more! Fuck ten days... Come now..."
Me: "You come here! I have my entire apt. to myself and I've been cooking every night"
R: "How the fuck did you manage that? You didn't kill them did you... You can tell me..."
Me: "Lol no they all went home for winter break. I'm alone until New Years"
R: "Hmmmmm. I would have a place to lay my head (sleep)?"
Me: "Yes I thought I told you this already"
R: "Wow... And you would cook me four meals a day?"
Me: "Lol well I'd be cooking for us"
He called me a little after that and said he’s going to try to come to LA this Sunday and Monday. However, it’s sort of a long shot and he wouldn’t be here for more than a day and a half. But if he wants to really see me and misses me as much as he says he does, he’ll come. I’m not trying to get my hopes up in the meantime. If I don’t see him this weekend I will see him next weekend when I come home for Christmas. It would be nice to have some company though. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little lonely, but I have also been enjoying the peace and quiet.
Even though I had to get up at five this morning for practice, for the life of me I could not go to sleep last night. Thanks to Ryan’s news I was wide awake with hope and excitement, the very thing I said I wouldn’t do. My mind ran wild with thoughts of what to do and scenarios of what could happen if he came. Then I realized something…this weekend will be a year since the best night of my life with that guy. Will the stars align for another miracle this time? As much as I try not to think about it, God knows I hope it happens again.
And as if my already complicated so-called love life couldn’t get even more ridiculous, I heard some new and somewhat disheartening news about Mike. When I asked Ryan if he had heard from him he said that Mike had been MIA for a while. But Ryan has been spending a lot of time ironically with Mike’s close friend DJ with whom I’m also acquainted with. DJ has been keeping Ryan informed of what Mike has been up to. Ryan paused, as if to gather his thoughts, and I knew he had something to say that was uncomfortable. He said, you remember that girl that was Mike’s friend that Mike and I always used to make fun of for getting fat, well I think her and Mike are kind of dating now and he’s embarrassed to tell me about it because we used to make fun of her.
I had already suspected that Mike was seeing someone months ago so I had prepared myself for some time now, but to actually hear it officially still stung. And the fact that he has probably strategically avoided talking to me or Ryan beyond texting just shows the flakiness of his character. When we broke up he was worried about me being weird, when he has always been the one to make things awkward. It is unbelievable and irritating to know he tried to flip the situation and make me seem like I’m the weak one. I really could care less about who he dates because I lost all attraction I ever had for him even when we were still together. I guess the sting just comes from my pride being hurt because this just shows that I made a poor judgment in his character. I actually laughed when Ryan basically told me Mike was dating a chubby monkey.
So with that said, my 2007 has been a crazy and complicated one with regards to the love triangle I hurled myself into with full force. At least there isn’t a triangle anymore. One basically eliminated himself, and the other one, well, I haven’t quite figured out what the deal is with that one yet. Some days I’m so over him and accepting of the “friend” role, and then there are moments like last night where I dare to dream of my happy ending with him, like in a movie, and after years of friendship he finally realizes what’s been in front of him all along. What a love story that would be. I’ve always dreamed of having a story like that in my life, I just don’t think I’m lucky enough to have that dream come true. It’s something I can’t get control of.