As I close my eyes..I feel it all slipping away..
Every night..I pray to God. I pray to be happy.
I know it's selfish to only talk to God when I need it, but I do it anyway.
I guess that fits my selfish personality. I don't care about others, just myself. If I could be happy, fuck the rest of the world..right?
No. Maybe not. Not even maybe. I think I'd rather stay miserable as long as those around me were happy. But..maybe some aren't happy because I'm not..and because of what I do to myself..
I don't need to justify myself to anyone. I don't need to explain to anyone why I am the way I am. I also don't need anyone to feel sorry for me, I don't need fake friends, I don't need people who want to be there but only when it's convenient for them.
I would say I don't need anybody..but that would be a lie.
I need my friends. I need them to be happy. I can't be happy if they aren't.
I guess that makes me a bit of a people pleaser..because I'd do anything to make a friend happy..because that makes me happy..and seeing a friend in pain puts me in pain..
Maybe that makes me selfish too..because that probably came across as "I only help others to help myself"
That's not true at all.
Not that I need to explain anything to anyone anyway.
I'm really tired. I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of warring with myself, it's an endless battle and I don't think I'll ever win. I'm tired of feeling so depressed all the time..and I'm tired of all the physical pain that comes along with it. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not getting to sleep because of it. I'm tired of crying almost every night. People shouldn't feel this way..they shouldn't have to go through all these emotions. I'm sick of the fucking every day emotional roller coaster..and if I don't go through that, I'm just void of all emotion, and after I feel again, it scares me. Sometimes I'm just sick and damn tired of life.
Please, don't write me the same generic comments. If you have anything worthwhile, go ahead and comment..but don't pity me, don't give me sympathy, don't give me the same fake shit over and over again...I didn't write this for you..for anyone but for myself, to vent to myself, and maybe help myself in some way by doing so.
Dammit.
I just want to be happy. Why can't I just be happy.
I know it's selfish to only talk to God when I need it, but I do it anyway.
I guess that fits my selfish personality. I don't care about others, just myself. If I could be happy, fuck the rest of the world..right?
No. Maybe not. Not even maybe. I think I'd rather stay miserable as long as those around me were happy. But..maybe some aren't happy because I'm not..and because of what I do to myself..
I don't need to justify myself to anyone. I don't need to explain to anyone why I am the way I am. I also don't need anyone to feel sorry for me, I don't need fake friends, I don't need people who want to be there but only when it's convenient for them.
I would say I don't need anybody..but that would be a lie.
I need my friends. I need them to be happy. I can't be happy if they aren't.
I guess that makes me a bit of a people pleaser..because I'd do anything to make a friend happy..because that makes me happy..and seeing a friend in pain puts me in pain..
Maybe that makes me selfish too..because that probably came across as "I only help others to help myself"
That's not true at all.
Not that I need to explain anything to anyone anyway.
I'm really tired. I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. I'm tired of warring with myself, it's an endless battle and I don't think I'll ever win. I'm tired of feeling so depressed all the time..and I'm tired of all the physical pain that comes along with it. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of not getting to sleep because of it. I'm tired of crying almost every night. People shouldn't feel this way..they shouldn't have to go through all these emotions. I'm sick of the fucking every day emotional roller coaster..and if I don't go through that, I'm just void of all emotion, and after I feel again, it scares me. Sometimes I'm just sick and damn tired of life.
Please, don't write me the same generic comments. If you have anything worthwhile, go ahead and comment..but don't pity me, don't give me sympathy, don't give me the same fake shit over and over again...I didn't write this for you..for anyone but for myself, to vent to myself, and maybe help myself in some way by doing so.
Dammit.
I just want to be happy. Why can't I just be happy.