robin hood 3x2 and why he is a dick
i'm starting this post with a little bit of blogging, so if you are just looking for the episode recap you can skip my rambling and philosophizing (i like that word, philosophizing. i will use it more often.) and i won't be offended.
i had never heard of Kimya Dawson or the moldy peaches before Juno came out, but i really wish i had so it wouldn't feel like jumping on the band wagon. but i'm really really into her now. she doesn't have a great voice and her music style is definitely not what i normally enjoy, but her lyrics are amazing. she doesn't use any fancy words but manages to say just the right words. you could say that her songs are profound in their simplicity. a few days ago i listened to "i like giants" for the first time and was blown away cuz it's so close to my personal beliefs. and it also made me realize while watching it last night what it is about robin hood that bothers me so much: he's so fucking self-important! i'm sure anyone who's ever seen the show could tell you that, and i've said it a bunch of times before, but this song made me realize that it's not just that about him being a dick, it's that his attitude offends my central beliefs system. he goes against the ideas that are important to me. and yes, of course, i believe in fighting injustice and standing up for what is right and helping others, that is what UUism is all about as well as what robin hood preaches. i like that part. but what really grinds my gears is that he and everyone around him never shut up about how goddamn fantastic he is, that he's bigger than life and will be remembered forever and saving him is more important that saving other people because he is a hero and blah blah blah blah! can't you just encourage people to do the right thing without making them worship you, too? you are just a dude, you are not jesus and you are not more important than anyone else! marian had it right. as the night watchman she helped people without taking any credit. you are just in it for the glory. jerk. now i'm really sad that marian's gone cuz i didn't' appreciate her while she was around. *sigh*
here's the song:
when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side
of the road, turn out the lights, get out, and look up at the sky
and i do this to remind me that i'm really really tiny
in the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me
but it's only really scary 'cause it makes me feel serene
in a way i never thought i'd be because i've never been
so grounded and so humbled and so one with everything
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything (<
rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
say i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
when i saw geneviève i really liked it when she said
what she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
she said "i like giants- especially girl giants. 'cause all girls feel
too big sometimes, regardless of their size"
when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side
of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
and i'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
and the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole
so i swim for all salvation and i swim to save my soul
but my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
so i flip to my back and i float and i sing
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything
so i talked to geneviève and almost cried when she said
that the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
and the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
so the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead
and when she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
it made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
so thank you geneviève, 'cause you take what is in your head
and you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends
we all become important when we realize our goal
should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
and yeah, rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
and say i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
and i don't wanna make her cry
'cause i like giants.
OK, on with the show! We open with a montage of the outlaws robbing people and lecturing them at the same time. Little John is holding a knife to a kid's throat - dude, not cool! Robin says "I am Robin hood and this is an ambush!" That's what they opened with last season. Back then it was kinda cute cuz they all popped out of nowhere and were like 'surprise, bitches!' But this time they are already in the middle of the hijacking so it sounds stupid cuz, DUH. The expression on Robin's face is especially slappable. Jonas Armstrong says that he tried to bulk up in between seasons, but really I think he just bulked up his head. Seriously, his face is huge and his hair is tiny. It makes him look older and duchier, like an aging fratboy. He’s only 28 but he looks like he's in his mid thirties. His smile is particularly obnoxious, but maybe that's just cuz he was so angry and miserable last episode. I hate it when TV shows spend one episode mourning a loss and then after that it's business as usual. Aaaaanyway, the montage is over and in this robbery a shitload of soldiers clamor out of the carriage. So this is when the outlaws get slaughtered, right? Cuz a bunch of highly trained soldiers covered in armor faced against half as many men with no armor is a safe bet, right? WRONG! This is Robin hood! This ragtag bunch of dirty hippies have it all covered! A soldier says "you're outnumbered!" and RH replies "now what makes you think that?" and he severs a rope that's attached to some pulley system and launches an army of preloaded bows and arrows fly all over the place, possibly killing everyone.
But that just makes me think, why DON'T they have more men? I mean, you wouldn't have to fake it and depend on the soldiers being stupid enough to believe in invisible outlaws.
Robin says "now, you're outnumbered, out armed..." um, isn't that the same thing? "so get out of here! Go on - run." and I hate the way he says "run" like it has an umlaut. Or would that be a macron? Which one makes the vowel sound like "put" or “book" as opposed to "macaroon" or "butt"? Whatever. I always forget that Jonas Armstrong is Irish (he doesn't look Irish) but in this episode, for reasons you will soon find out, I can't stop thinking about it.
So the soldiers run off in the opposite direction and leave the carriage behind. not one of them looks back or if one does, he does not say "hey, there are still just 5 of them!" Much pulls out two bags of money and announces "We're Back!" Aww, that's cute. And I don't even mean that sarcastically.
Locksley (or Loxley or whatever), all the menfolk are being rounded up and made to stand in a line and branded with Xs on their arms. Ya know, typical Thursday. The outlaws are "hiding" in plain sight and watching the proceedings. Much says "they're making prisoners out of them!" And Tuck adds "slaves". The white people all look uncomfortable. Couldn't they have given that line to someone else?
A grumpy looking blonde woman comes out of her house followed by a girl with the ugliest hairdo ever. it's like a French braid going sideways across her forehead. It would look ok if it was like 4 inches higher, but as it is it looks like a sweat band made of hair. Bjork wouldn't even walk around like that. The mom grabs the daughter and says "Kate, stop, they'll search the cart! We'll lose you and your brother!" Kate says "see what they're doing? If we don't move him now, he'll be caught. Just stay inside I’ll get him out of here" And walks through what can only be described as an outdoor pottery gallery to a loaded cart. Gisborn sees her. She lifts a blanket and hands her brother a bundle. He sticks his head out. They are about as good at hiding as the outlaws are. Guy walks over to them and orders the cart searched. Way to go, Kate! They weren't even looking at the cart before you went and started talking to it! You should have listened to your mother, idiot! Despite Kate screaming "there's nothing in there!" they find him anyway. He tries to run and Gisborn bitch slaps him. Kate's really the one who should be bitch slapped. Oh, but Guy's already got that covered! He orders her flogged for disobeying him. Heh.
As the men are led off cuffed to a long-ass chain, Guy says something about them being soldiers now so get used to taking orders. I think serfs are kind of used to that anyway. this would be a good time to start limping or if you can make yourself throw up, better. cuz then they probably wouldn't want you. seriously, they say that to avoid getting raped when you are attacked you should throw up on yourself and hopefully the rapist will go "eew, gross! i don't wanna rape you anymore!" either that or "oh shit, i picked the wrong bitch to mess with - this one is crazy!" unless he has a vomit fetish, then u are fucked. (literally.)
the soldiers are about to tie Kate to a post but she kicks them and runs away. as she's rounding a bend in the road, she gets tackled! boom! at first it looks like Allan and I’m all 'score!' but then I see it's Robin and go "uhng." he pulls her into the woods where Little John, Tuck and Allan are waiting. she says "you're Robin hood!" and he says "and you, young lady, are lucky (with an umlaut) to be alive! now you need to tell me what happened" young lady? are you her grandpa? shut up. especially since she's clearly older than him. well, older than he's supposed to be since he looks old as hell now. she says that she overheard Guy say they were gonna be soldiers. Tuck says "why would the sheriff need another army?" um, to kill people? just a guess.
Just then Much arrives. he opens his mouth to say something but is struck dumb by Kate's, erm, 'beauty' i guess.
"Who's that?" he breathes.
"Some girl we just saved" replies Allan. good ol' Allan!
"my name is Kate!" to that Allan makes the most adorable 'bitch, please' face.
Robin butts in "we'll get your brother back, Kate, I promise." don't' make promises you can't keep, duchenozzle. seriously.
"we all thought you were gone forever. my little sister thinks Robin hood is just a story." ah, good, I’m glad they addressed the absence. cuz last season they just teleported to the holy land and didn't mention anything about a 3-6 month journey o'er land and sea.
"Stories are important" says Tuck, "stronger than truth. heroes inspire us." well, yes, technically that's true, but usually that only applies to OLD stories. not when the hero is real but then abandons us. then the stories are more like "where's that asshole when you need him?!" kinda like if Michael Phelps did half of the Olympics and then quit.
"Tuck always talks like that. just nod and smile." thanks Allan! I will! As they start to leave, Much tries mackin' on Kate. "don't worry, I’ll make sure you're well looked after... I mean, WE'll make sure...you're looked after..."
"I can take care of myself." ouch! strike one! Allan laughs at Much in that way that you do to friends when they say something stupid, ya know, kind of half derisive and half sympathetic, "what are you doing?!"
"Shut up, Allan, just... shut up." at least he didn't tell him to jigger off this time. they are so besties now. *heart!*
Nottingham! the dinging hall table is all laid out with food and... a giant pile of furs. eew. Guy comes down stairs and orders the pile of furs to "get up, you lazy Irish dog!" then he dumps a pitcher of water onto it and oh!! there's a person under there! two persons if you count whores as people, though I’m sure Guy doesn't. it's a little man with eyes too close together. the little man looks like a keebler elf with facial hair. he also has the worst (as in fakest) Irish accent in the world. if it turns out that actor is really Irish, his people should banish him. Jonas' crappy British accent sounds more Irish than this Guy. actually, he sounds like an American trying to do a Scottish accent. *sigh* Anyway, Guy and him exchange words and then have a mock sword fight. mock, because they aren't actually trying to kill one another, they are just metaphorically measuring their penises. they end in a very homoerotic stance and I can almost hear the clacking of the keyboards as fangirls start writing slashfic. the sheriff comes in from the stairs above and he and the elf man banter amiably about how they like to party. Vasey kicks Giz out of the room so he can have the elf man all to himself. oh, and we learn that the captured men are for him.
Sherwood! the indentured peasants are being marched along. robs is watching and then scrambles back over the hill to where the rest of the gang + Kate are. Kate says "we take them now, right?"
"no, we wait for his signal" I think it was Much who said that but I’m not sure.
"she's right, now's our chance!" Allan counters. I’m glad to hear Allan say anything, but I don't really see how... whatever.
Tuck says something but I can't make it out. something about "rational" something. Robin says "wait... John, what's the matter?" John, standing in back, can see over the hill. he says "trouble."
Kate, being a moron to the nth degree, seems to think that "trouble" means "go for it" and charges ahead. (isn't this exactly what Marian did last season? they are recycling plots already.) I can't imagine what she thinks she's gonna do running in alone, unarmed. she is mentally challenged, for sure. Allan, being a gentleman, runs after her. so now they all have to go. Kate runs up to the head soldier on a horse and pushes him backwards off the horse. the dudes all start fighting. Kate grabs her Guy's sword so she can fight, too. the captured men are all sitting down and watching from the sidelines. heh. Tuck and Robin start picking the locks of the hand cuffs and Kate joins them. Robin talks to Kate like she's a little girl again, which would bother me except that she really is stupid as fuck. "Kate, you've put us all at risk here!"
"I had to save my brother!" that's what Robin was trying to do, chuzzlebutt! I don't know if chuzzlebutt is a real word, but it popped into my head and now I really like it. it sort of like scuzzlebutt but cheesier.
"you shouldn't have come, it's too dangerous!" her brother says.
"I brought help! Robin hood!" she smiles. yeah, he can see that, Kate! not everyone is as retarded as you are! plus, you didn't bring him, he brought you and then you fucked up his plans. for once I’m on his side. see what you've done?!
Little John is standing up on a hill looking like a prairie dog. he sees a group of... something’s lying in wait just like they were a few minutes ago. just then the leader of that group stands up and says now! and they attack. he has red hair, which I like, and a face like a cartoon monkey, which I don't like at all. seriously, the space between his lip and his nose is HUGE and he has no philtrum. if it weren't for his big bulbous eyes I’d swear he had fetal alcohol syndrome.
The outlaws flee to the woods, dragging Kate along with them, except for Robin who stays with the men. the cartoon monkey addresses them and says "you men! you belong to me now!" but I can't pay attention to what he's saying cuz he is stooped over and opens his mouth really wide and shuts it like a chip does. I swear. to. god. this is a cartoon monkey.
We join the outlaws again. Tuck is berating Kate for getting Robin caught. Allan pipes in with "it was my fault as well, I went in too quick..." he's probably used to taking blame for everything now. plus, he wants to get laid. I can't blame him; Robin probably keeps him on a pretty short leash so he has to settle for any woman he can get close to. that is the only reason I can think of to explain why charming, clever, handsome Allan would even look twice at brain damaged, immature, plain looking Kate. ug, I hate it that she has my name! from now on I’m back to Katie, ok?
Much asks who those men were and Tuck, being the all knowing magical/numinous negro(I'm not being racist, Spike Lee coined the term. It is what you call the token black guy who shows up just to help the white protagonist with his mysterious profound wisdom, but has no life of his own or purpose other than that. see also, manic pixie dream girl.) knows everything and explains that they are "Celts. Warriors. a battle technique based on surprise and brute strength." in Spanish that's called "guerilla". pronounced 'gheh-ree-yuh' not 'gorilla'. now you've learned something today! anyway, Tuck rambles on about warfare and until Allan pipes in with "wait a minute, Tuck, who put you in charge?" yeah! LJ rolls his eyes.
"well someone has to lead in Robin's absence"
"I don't see why it could be you..." steady on, Allan, take him down a peg or two.
"you think it should be you after your reckless display earlier?!"
another aside here: I was just thinking about a high school English class when we read lord of the flies and the teacher talked about group archetypes. She said in every group, literary or real life, there are roles everyone falls into. kinda like in boybands, there's the bad boy, the heartthrob, the funny one, the smart one, and the sensitive one. Since this was probably 10 years ago I can't remember exactly what each one was, but I think I can come pretty close - the leader, the #2, the rebel, the scapegoat, and the quiet observer. In lord of the flies the roles went to, respectively, Jack, Roger, Ralph, Piggy, and Simon. In RH's first two season it was Robin, Little John, Allan, Much, Will. (Djaq was the token chick, she doesn't count. But if you want to give her a role, she could be the mediator or voice of reason.) this season seems to be different, now it's Robin, Tuck, Allan, Much, Little John. Who knows what Kate will be. She will of course be the token chick, but it could go several ways. She could be a version of the manic pixie dream girl or kid sister or... I dunno. But it'll be interesting to see.
Back to the show! where were we? Oh, yeah, so LJ points out that the chickabiddy has disappeared. They all groan and Tuck says "let's find her before she puts Robin and herself in danger." At least they recognize that she needs adult supervision. They should probably put a cork on her fork or carry around a spare eye patch. And if you get that reference, you win!
At Nottingham castle the cartoon monkey man is talking at the sheriff. I say "at" because though his words are directed to him, he is facing perpendicular to him. And his eyes are wide and starey. He really makes me uncomfortable, like a guy you'd meet on craigslist. The sheriff explains that the men who attacked his "conscripts" were Robin hood and describes him as a bothersome little fly. bzz bzz bzz. Ok, I sort of like the sheriff again. He says "where's my money?" in a low voice that immediately makes me think of Fat Bastard from Austen Powers. You can keep yer mojo and yer money... I want yer BEHBEH! Meanwhile, the keebler elf has moseyed on over and I don't' even want to tell you what they say because it's so painful to listen to. I forgot to mention that the cartoon monkey man also has a watered down pirate accent trying to pass as Irish. All you need to know is that these two are brothers, or "brudder" as they keep saying creepily over and over, and don't see eye to eye. The redhead wants to be king of Ireland and his brudder is supposed to train the soldiers in their rebel cause, but like all little brudders with overachieving big brudders, he is lazy and drunk.
The sheriff once again asks for payment but cartoon monkey man (or CMM as he will be known from now on) says they won't exchange money until they reach the coast. Vasey's eyes twitch and I definitely love him again.
Next scene, sheriff and Guy walking. Sheriff tells Guy to make sure the Irish... things... leave before anyone knows they're here. Guy says "if Prince John finds out you are supplying soldiers to his enemies..." and Vasey spins on him and points a knife in his face.
"and why should he find out, hmm? Prince John will get his patronage money, he has to, and where it comes from is of no importance!" Vasey's fake tooth has a pink jewel in it. I guess he's finally coming out of the closet. Next he'll get an earring wear rainbow sneakers. Maybe it's because of this that Guy is like SO totally over him and not the least bit scared.
"Is that meant to frighten me? Look at you, you're pathetic. Your plans are in ruins, black knights are disbanded, and you have to buy the affections of a prince who would rather see you dead" he glances down at the knife with a little smirk, "why should I fear you?" Oh hells yes, I’m liking this new 'I don't give a shit' Gisborn! Guy walks away but before he can open the door in front of him, sheriff throws the knife into it. "Because" he hisses then shouts "I AM THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM!" Ooooooh, girlfriend is pissed! Oh no you di'int!
Out in the courtyard where all the enslaved are, Robin talks about escaping and it's not important so I’m skipping it.
The outlaws have found Kate in the marketplace near the castle gate. They are "hiding" again in some structure that has wooden bars that Allan can lean on sexily. Normally I am repulsed by man hands, but the way he's gripping that pole... mmmm, knuckles.... if only Will were here! We could have a neck!porn/ hand!porn showdown - the winner: us! *sigh* Will Scarlet... Hey bbc writers! Bring back Harry Lloyd or I’ll cut a bitch, k?!
Much whispers "she's trying to get in with the servants." And so she does. "She's done it! Amazing!" no Much, that's not amazing, that's simple and easy. It would be difficult to NOT succeed. I think you and Kate are suited for each other.
The outlaw say something confusing about laying a trap in the forest cuz there's too many guards. Much protests "I’m not leaving Robin!"
"or Kate!" Allan teases. Allan, please don't sleep with Kate. I know you are capable of pulling anyone you want, but just leave her to Much, ok? you can find someone better, he can't. he really can't. and he really needs to get laid.
Tuck says something and then "don't expect us to rescue you." and they file out. Allan nods to Much "come on" but Much shakes his head and stays in place. awws! BFFs! I bet they have matching tramp stamps!
Alright, this is a good spot for a break. we're at 13:20. Woo hoo! This ep is going by fast this time! I never realized how much actually happens in this show, but they squeeze a lot in!
to be continued...
p.s. i appologize for the sporadic and random capital letters. i typed it on here but then realized it would be better on microsoft word, so i copy/pasted it and fixed a bunch of things, but then it didn't fix the capitalization in spellcheck so i started doing it by hand. i soon realized that that is tedious and even more of a waste of time, so i gave up. sorry. deal with it.
i had never heard of Kimya Dawson or the moldy peaches before Juno came out, but i really wish i had so it wouldn't feel like jumping on the band wagon. but i'm really really into her now. she doesn't have a great voice and her music style is definitely not what i normally enjoy, but her lyrics are amazing. she doesn't use any fancy words but manages to say just the right words. you could say that her songs are profound in their simplicity. a few days ago i listened to "i like giants" for the first time and was blown away cuz it's so close to my personal beliefs. and it also made me realize while watching it last night what it is about robin hood that bothers me so much: he's so fucking self-important! i'm sure anyone who's ever seen the show could tell you that, and i've said it a bunch of times before, but this song made me realize that it's not just that about him being a dick, it's that his attitude offends my central beliefs system. he goes against the ideas that are important to me. and yes, of course, i believe in fighting injustice and standing up for what is right and helping others, that is what UUism is all about as well as what robin hood preaches. i like that part. but what really grinds my gears is that he and everyone around him never shut up about how goddamn fantastic he is, that he's bigger than life and will be remembered forever and saving him is more important that saving other people because he is a hero and blah blah blah blah! can't you just encourage people to do the right thing without making them worship you, too? you are just a dude, you are not jesus and you are not more important than anyone else! marian had it right. as the night watchman she helped people without taking any credit. you are just in it for the glory. jerk. now i'm really sad that marian's gone cuz i didn't' appreciate her while she was around. *sigh*
here's the song:
when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side
of the road, turn out the lights, get out, and look up at the sky
and i do this to remind me that i'm really really tiny
in the grand scheme of things and sometimes this terrifies me
but it's only really scary 'cause it makes me feel serene
in a way i never thought i'd be because i've never been
so grounded and so humbled and so one with everything
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything (<
rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
say i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
when i saw geneviève i really liked it when she said
what she said about the giant and the lemmings on the cliff
she said "i like giants- especially girl giants. 'cause all girls feel
too big sometimes, regardless of their size"
when i go for a drive i like to pull off to the side
of the road and run and jump into the ocean in my clothes
and i'm smaller than a poppyseed inside a great big bowl
and the ocean is a giant that can swallow me whole
so i swim for all salvation and i swim to save my soul
but my soul is just a whisper trapped inside a tornado
so i flip to my back and i float and i sing
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything
i am grounded, i am humbled, i am one with everything
so i talked to geneviève and almost cried when she said
that the giant on the cliff wished that she was dead
and the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
so the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead
and when she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
it made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
so thank you geneviève, 'cause you take what is in your head
and you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends
we all become important when we realize our goal
should be to figure out our role within the context of the whole
and yeah, rock and roll is fun but if you ever hear someone
say you are huge look at the moon, look at the stars, look at the sun
look at the ocean and the desert and the mountains and the sky
and say i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
i am just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye
and i don't wanna make her cry
'cause i like giants.
OK, on with the show! We open with a montage of the outlaws robbing people and lecturing them at the same time. Little John is holding a knife to a kid's throat - dude, not cool! Robin says "I am Robin hood and this is an ambush!" That's what they opened with last season. Back then it was kinda cute cuz they all popped out of nowhere and were like 'surprise, bitches!' But this time they are already in the middle of the hijacking so it sounds stupid cuz, DUH. The expression on Robin's face is especially slappable. Jonas Armstrong says that he tried to bulk up in between seasons, but really I think he just bulked up his head. Seriously, his face is huge and his hair is tiny. It makes him look older and duchier, like an aging fratboy. He’s only 28 but he looks like he's in his mid thirties. His smile is particularly obnoxious, but maybe that's just cuz he was so angry and miserable last episode. I hate it when TV shows spend one episode mourning a loss and then after that it's business as usual. Aaaaanyway, the montage is over and in this robbery a shitload of soldiers clamor out of the carriage. So this is when the outlaws get slaughtered, right? Cuz a bunch of highly trained soldiers covered in armor faced against half as many men with no armor is a safe bet, right? WRONG! This is Robin hood! This ragtag bunch of dirty hippies have it all covered! A soldier says "you're outnumbered!" and RH replies "now what makes you think that?" and he severs a rope that's attached to some pulley system and launches an army of preloaded bows and arrows fly all over the place, possibly killing everyone.
But that just makes me think, why DON'T they have more men? I mean, you wouldn't have to fake it and depend on the soldiers being stupid enough to believe in invisible outlaws.
Robin says "now, you're outnumbered, out armed..." um, isn't that the same thing? "so get out of here! Go on - run." and I hate the way he says "run" like it has an umlaut. Or would that be a macron? Which one makes the vowel sound like "put" or “book" as opposed to "macaroon" or "butt"? Whatever. I always forget that Jonas Armstrong is Irish (he doesn't look Irish) but in this episode, for reasons you will soon find out, I can't stop thinking about it.
So the soldiers run off in the opposite direction and leave the carriage behind. not one of them looks back or if one does, he does not say "hey, there are still just 5 of them!" Much pulls out two bags of money and announces "We're Back!" Aww, that's cute. And I don't even mean that sarcastically.
Locksley (or Loxley or whatever), all the menfolk are being rounded up and made to stand in a line and branded with Xs on their arms. Ya know, typical Thursday. The outlaws are "hiding" in plain sight and watching the proceedings. Much says "they're making prisoners out of them!" And Tuck adds "slaves". The white people all look uncomfortable. Couldn't they have given that line to someone else?
A grumpy looking blonde woman comes out of her house followed by a girl with the ugliest hairdo ever. it's like a French braid going sideways across her forehead. It would look ok if it was like 4 inches higher, but as it is it looks like a sweat band made of hair. Bjork wouldn't even walk around like that. The mom grabs the daughter and says "Kate, stop, they'll search the cart! We'll lose you and your brother!" Kate says "see what they're doing? If we don't move him now, he'll be caught. Just stay inside I’ll get him out of here" And walks through what can only be described as an outdoor pottery gallery to a loaded cart. Gisborn sees her. She lifts a blanket and hands her brother a bundle. He sticks his head out. They are about as good at hiding as the outlaws are. Guy walks over to them and orders the cart searched. Way to go, Kate! They weren't even looking at the cart before you went and started talking to it! You should have listened to your mother, idiot! Despite Kate screaming "there's nothing in there!" they find him anyway. He tries to run and Gisborn bitch slaps him. Kate's really the one who should be bitch slapped. Oh, but Guy's already got that covered! He orders her flogged for disobeying him. Heh.
As the men are led off cuffed to a long-ass chain, Guy says something about them being soldiers now so get used to taking orders. I think serfs are kind of used to that anyway. this would be a good time to start limping or if you can make yourself throw up, better. cuz then they probably wouldn't want you. seriously, they say that to avoid getting raped when you are attacked you should throw up on yourself and hopefully the rapist will go "eew, gross! i don't wanna rape you anymore!" either that or "oh shit, i picked the wrong bitch to mess with - this one is crazy!" unless he has a vomit fetish, then u are fucked. (literally.)
the soldiers are about to tie Kate to a post but she kicks them and runs away. as she's rounding a bend in the road, she gets tackled! boom! at first it looks like Allan and I’m all 'score!' but then I see it's Robin and go "uhng." he pulls her into the woods where Little John, Tuck and Allan are waiting. she says "you're Robin hood!" and he says "and you, young lady, are lucky (with an umlaut) to be alive! now you need to tell me what happened" young lady? are you her grandpa? shut up. especially since she's clearly older than him. well, older than he's supposed to be since he looks old as hell now. she says that she overheard Guy say they were gonna be soldiers. Tuck says "why would the sheriff need another army?" um, to kill people? just a guess.
Just then Much arrives. he opens his mouth to say something but is struck dumb by Kate's, erm, 'beauty' i guess.
"Who's that?" he breathes.
"Some girl we just saved" replies Allan. good ol' Allan!
"my name is Kate!" to that Allan makes the most adorable 'bitch, please' face.
Robin butts in "we'll get your brother back, Kate, I promise." don't' make promises you can't keep, duchenozzle. seriously.
"we all thought you were gone forever. my little sister thinks Robin hood is just a story." ah, good, I’m glad they addressed the absence. cuz last season they just teleported to the holy land and didn't mention anything about a 3-6 month journey o'er land and sea.
"Stories are important" says Tuck, "stronger than truth. heroes inspire us." well, yes, technically that's true, but usually that only applies to OLD stories. not when the hero is real but then abandons us. then the stories are more like "where's that asshole when you need him?!" kinda like if Michael Phelps did half of the Olympics and then quit.
"Tuck always talks like that. just nod and smile." thanks Allan! I will! As they start to leave, Much tries mackin' on Kate. "don't worry, I’ll make sure you're well looked after... I mean, WE'll make sure...you're looked after..."
"I can take care of myself." ouch! strike one! Allan laughs at Much in that way that you do to friends when they say something stupid, ya know, kind of half derisive and half sympathetic, "what are you doing?!"
"Shut up, Allan, just... shut up." at least he didn't tell him to jigger off this time. they are so besties now. *heart!*
Nottingham! the dinging hall table is all laid out with food and... a giant pile of furs. eew. Guy comes down stairs and orders the pile of furs to "get up, you lazy Irish dog!" then he dumps a pitcher of water onto it and oh!! there's a person under there! two persons if you count whores as people, though I’m sure Guy doesn't. it's a little man with eyes too close together. the little man looks like a keebler elf with facial hair. he also has the worst (as in fakest) Irish accent in the world. if it turns out that actor is really Irish, his people should banish him. Jonas' crappy British accent sounds more Irish than this Guy. actually, he sounds like an American trying to do a Scottish accent. *sigh* Anyway, Guy and him exchange words and then have a mock sword fight. mock, because they aren't actually trying to kill one another, they are just metaphorically measuring their penises. they end in a very homoerotic stance and I can almost hear the clacking of the keyboards as fangirls start writing slashfic. the sheriff comes in from the stairs above and he and the elf man banter amiably about how they like to party. Vasey kicks Giz out of the room so he can have the elf man all to himself. oh, and we learn that the captured men are for him.
Sherwood! the indentured peasants are being marched along. robs is watching and then scrambles back over the hill to where the rest of the gang + Kate are. Kate says "we take them now, right?"
"no, we wait for his signal" I think it was Much who said that but I’m not sure.
"she's right, now's our chance!" Allan counters. I’m glad to hear Allan say anything, but I don't really see how... whatever.
Tuck says something but I can't make it out. something about "rational" something. Robin says "wait... John, what's the matter?" John, standing in back, can see over the hill. he says "trouble."
Kate, being a moron to the nth degree, seems to think that "trouble" means "go for it" and charges ahead. (isn't this exactly what Marian did last season? they are recycling plots already.) I can't imagine what she thinks she's gonna do running in alone, unarmed. she is mentally challenged, for sure. Allan, being a gentleman, runs after her. so now they all have to go. Kate runs up to the head soldier on a horse and pushes him backwards off the horse. the dudes all start fighting. Kate grabs her Guy's sword so she can fight, too. the captured men are all sitting down and watching from the sidelines. heh. Tuck and Robin start picking the locks of the hand cuffs and Kate joins them. Robin talks to Kate like she's a little girl again, which would bother me except that she really is stupid as fuck. "Kate, you've put us all at risk here!"
"I had to save my brother!" that's what Robin was trying to do, chuzzlebutt! I don't know if chuzzlebutt is a real word, but it popped into my head and now I really like it. it sort of like scuzzlebutt but cheesier.
"you shouldn't have come, it's too dangerous!" her brother says.
"I brought help! Robin hood!" she smiles. yeah, he can see that, Kate! not everyone is as retarded as you are! plus, you didn't bring him, he brought you and then you fucked up his plans. for once I’m on his side. see what you've done?!
Little John is standing up on a hill looking like a prairie dog. he sees a group of... something’s lying in wait just like they were a few minutes ago. just then the leader of that group stands up and says now! and they attack. he has red hair, which I like, and a face like a cartoon monkey, which I don't like at all. seriously, the space between his lip and his nose is HUGE and he has no philtrum. if it weren't for his big bulbous eyes I’d swear he had fetal alcohol syndrome.
The outlaws flee to the woods, dragging Kate along with them, except for Robin who stays with the men. the cartoon monkey addresses them and says "you men! you belong to me now!" but I can't pay attention to what he's saying cuz he is stooped over and opens his mouth really wide and shuts it like a chip does. I swear. to. god. this is a cartoon monkey.
We join the outlaws again. Tuck is berating Kate for getting Robin caught. Allan pipes in with "it was my fault as well, I went in too quick..." he's probably used to taking blame for everything now. plus, he wants to get laid. I can't blame him; Robin probably keeps him on a pretty short leash so he has to settle for any woman he can get close to. that is the only reason I can think of to explain why charming, clever, handsome Allan would even look twice at brain damaged, immature, plain looking Kate. ug, I hate it that she has my name! from now on I’m back to Katie, ok?
Much asks who those men were and Tuck, being the all knowing magical/numinous negro(I'm not being racist, Spike Lee coined the term. It is what you call the token black guy who shows up just to help the white protagonist with his mysterious profound wisdom, but has no life of his own or purpose other than that. see also, manic pixie dream girl.) knows everything and explains that they are "Celts. Warriors. a battle technique based on surprise and brute strength." in Spanish that's called "guerilla". pronounced 'gheh-ree-yuh' not 'gorilla'. now you've learned something today! anyway, Tuck rambles on about warfare and until Allan pipes in with "wait a minute, Tuck, who put you in charge?" yeah! LJ rolls his eyes.
"well someone has to lead in Robin's absence"
"I don't see why it could be you..." steady on, Allan, take him down a peg or two.
"you think it should be you after your reckless display earlier?!"
another aside here: I was just thinking about a high school English class when we read lord of the flies and the teacher talked about group archetypes. She said in every group, literary or real life, there are roles everyone falls into. kinda like in boybands, there's the bad boy, the heartthrob, the funny one, the smart one, and the sensitive one. Since this was probably 10 years ago I can't remember exactly what each one was, but I think I can come pretty close - the leader, the #2, the rebel, the scapegoat, and the quiet observer. In lord of the flies the roles went to, respectively, Jack, Roger, Ralph, Piggy, and Simon. In RH's first two season it was Robin, Little John, Allan, Much, Will. (Djaq was the token chick, she doesn't count. But if you want to give her a role, she could be the mediator or voice of reason.) this season seems to be different, now it's Robin, Tuck, Allan, Much, Little John. Who knows what Kate will be. She will of course be the token chick, but it could go several ways. She could be a version of the manic pixie dream girl or kid sister or... I dunno. But it'll be interesting to see.
Back to the show! where were we? Oh, yeah, so LJ points out that the chickabiddy has disappeared. They all groan and Tuck says "let's find her before she puts Robin and herself in danger." At least they recognize that she needs adult supervision. They should probably put a cork on her fork or carry around a spare eye patch. And if you get that reference, you win!
At Nottingham castle the cartoon monkey man is talking at the sheriff. I say "at" because though his words are directed to him, he is facing perpendicular to him. And his eyes are wide and starey. He really makes me uncomfortable, like a guy you'd meet on craigslist. The sheriff explains that the men who attacked his "conscripts" were Robin hood and describes him as a bothersome little fly. bzz bzz bzz. Ok, I sort of like the sheriff again. He says "where's my money?" in a low voice that immediately makes me think of Fat Bastard from Austen Powers. You can keep yer mojo and yer money... I want yer BEHBEH! Meanwhile, the keebler elf has moseyed on over and I don't' even want to tell you what they say because it's so painful to listen to. I forgot to mention that the cartoon monkey man also has a watered down pirate accent trying to pass as Irish. All you need to know is that these two are brothers, or "brudder" as they keep saying creepily over and over, and don't see eye to eye. The redhead wants to be king of Ireland and his brudder is supposed to train the soldiers in their rebel cause, but like all little brudders with overachieving big brudders, he is lazy and drunk.
The sheriff once again asks for payment but cartoon monkey man (or CMM as he will be known from now on) says they won't exchange money until they reach the coast. Vasey's eyes twitch and I definitely love him again.
Next scene, sheriff and Guy walking. Sheriff tells Guy to make sure the Irish... things... leave before anyone knows they're here. Guy says "if Prince John finds out you are supplying soldiers to his enemies..." and Vasey spins on him and points a knife in his face.
"and why should he find out, hmm? Prince John will get his patronage money, he has to, and where it comes from is of no importance!" Vasey's fake tooth has a pink jewel in it. I guess he's finally coming out of the closet. Next he'll get an earring wear rainbow sneakers. Maybe it's because of this that Guy is like SO totally over him and not the least bit scared.
"Is that meant to frighten me? Look at you, you're pathetic. Your plans are in ruins, black knights are disbanded, and you have to buy the affections of a prince who would rather see you dead" he glances down at the knife with a little smirk, "why should I fear you?" Oh hells yes, I’m liking this new 'I don't give a shit' Gisborn! Guy walks away but before he can open the door in front of him, sheriff throws the knife into it. "Because" he hisses then shouts "I AM THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM!" Ooooooh, girlfriend is pissed! Oh no you di'int!
Out in the courtyard where all the enslaved are, Robin talks about escaping and it's not important so I’m skipping it.
The outlaws have found Kate in the marketplace near the castle gate. They are "hiding" again in some structure that has wooden bars that Allan can lean on sexily. Normally I am repulsed by man hands, but the way he's gripping that pole... mmmm, knuckles.... if only Will were here! We could have a neck!porn/ hand!porn showdown - the winner: us! *sigh* Will Scarlet... Hey bbc writers! Bring back Harry Lloyd or I’ll cut a bitch, k?!
Much whispers "she's trying to get in with the servants." And so she does. "She's done it! Amazing!" no Much, that's not amazing, that's simple and easy. It would be difficult to NOT succeed. I think you and Kate are suited for each other.
The outlaw say something confusing about laying a trap in the forest cuz there's too many guards. Much protests "I’m not leaving Robin!"
"or Kate!" Allan teases. Allan, please don't sleep with Kate. I know you are capable of pulling anyone you want, but just leave her to Much, ok? you can find someone better, he can't. he really can't. and he really needs to get laid.
Tuck says something and then "don't expect us to rescue you." and they file out. Allan nods to Much "come on" but Much shakes his head and stays in place. awws! BFFs! I bet they have matching tramp stamps!
Alright, this is a good spot for a break. we're at 13:20. Woo hoo! This ep is going by fast this time! I never realized how much actually happens in this show, but they squeeze a lot in!
to be continued...
p.s. i appologize for the sporadic and random capital letters. i typed it on here but then realized it would be better on microsoft word, so i copy/pasted it and fixed a bunch of things, but then it didn't fix the capitalization in spellcheck so i started doing it by hand. i soon realized that that is tedious and even more of a waste of time, so i gave up. sorry. deal with it.