When your parents are never proud of you
I was thinking about how odd it is. My parents have never told me they're proud of me. They brag about my accomplishments to their colleagues and acquaintances and distant family, but they never bother to tell me that I've done a good job. Why? God knows why. Typical toxic South Asian parenting style, I guess. They have always made me feel that I'm only worthy of love if I achieve something. And over the years as my achievements increased in number, they have become so used to it that nothing is a big enough deal for them.
It's true that I do follow the motto of "Sprezzatura" ; so from the outside it appears that my achievements are reached through effortless ease. But nothing in life is easy; and despite everything, my seeming ease should not invalidate my achievements in any way whatsoever. All my life I've been compared to my sister - I've been told to emulate her, and implicitly told that I'm not good enough. I have been a straight A student throughout my undergraduate and graduate years, and I'm a gold medalist from my year, but they have never once congratulated me on it. They never once said that they were proud of me. My family doesn't say they love me. EVER. They never hug. Beyond the age of five, I have never hugged my parents or my sister. This is NOT NORMAL! This is fucking weird! I struggle with a lot of depression, anxiety, fear of intimacy, and a slew of other mental healthy issues because of their attitude. It's because of them I'm always doubting myself, questioning my abilities, always asking: "Am I good enough?"
I have recently gotten an offer of PhD (with full tuition remission and a huge fellowship and stipend) from a big private school in the US. And I'm only twenty three. This is a big deal for me. Heck, it should be a big deal for anybody. But my parents have been so indifferent over it. My mother tries to show that she's happy or whatever, but I'm not buying it. It's fake as fuck! She ignores me for twenty three years and suddenly decides that she cares? Suddenly I'm good enough? Give me a fucking break! It's likely she's just glad she's got some new material to show off to her colleagues at work. Father's always been indifferent, so that's familiar ground, I can take it in my stride. My sister, I suppose, loves me and is happy for me, but I guess she's also a little jealous and a bit sad that I'd be leaving. That why she says stuff like UK is a better choice for PhD, that the State I'm going to is full of bigots, that the school I've gotten into is not as famous as Ivy League schools. Their combined reaction seems like an attempt to lessen my biggest achievement so far, but I have to square my shoulders, be proud of myself, smile, and face life head on.
I have decided to tell my friends - people I care about - that I love them and I'm proud of them. No one should have to feel like I do. My relationship with my family is a lost cause. However, I have decided to resolve my mental health issues and try to heal myself by expressing my emotions to my friends. And here, safe in the cocoon of anonymity that internet provides, I can say it to strangers too. If there's anyone reading this - I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, AND I'M PROUD OF YOU! <3 Spread the love!