nostalgia
I feel the way I felt a decade ago. Life was an emotional roller-coaster of severe angst and giddy joys. I devoured sports and fanfics, and daydreamed about escapes. And now that the escapes are closer than ever, I seem to have gone back to those days. I'm reading a lot of fanfics again - Wolfstar, Fedal, Stevie/Xabi. I'm watching old matches. I'm falling in love with tennis again, and football, and Harry Potter books. I watch Fedal matches and exhibitions from years ago and giggle like a teenage girl. Then at other times, I'm wracked by worries over the future and doubts about reality.
I think the Australian Open 2019 has affected me a great deal. Andy Murray's retirement, Federer's early exit, Nadal's loss in the final. AO'19 has made me realise I can't hold on to life as it is. Everything will be gone. These guys who have been my inspiration over the years will lose, retire, and eventually die. I cannot imagine a world without them, but it will nonetheless come to pass. It reminds me of my own mortality.