Sass in a Glass, a paper by Alexandra Chesnokova for ENL101
If Kristy Lynn Heidenberger and I were to get married, we would live in Italy and have kittens as our love children. We would get dressed up every night, even if we had nowhere to go, and dance about our completely pink living room. In our closets we would only have pink, black, and polka dotted clothing and our house would be teeming with baby animals of all sorts. Sometimes we would sleep in our clothes, even with our shoes on. We would only cry after reading sappy books or watching sad movies. Every night we would cook fancy meals together and never run out of ingredients. While cooking spaghetti alla carbonara or pappa col pomodoro we would watch Sex and the City or Law and Order: SVU, drink pink cocktails and eat Fruit and Nut Medley, which we would have imported from Costco in the United States. We would have various Italian boyfriends to go out with, but they would only be for our entertainment and never for serious relationships. We would always spend the night at home. We would come to inherit a large piece of land in the Chianti Classico region between Siena and Florence, where we would have our home and a stable with a handful of horses. We would speak flawless Italian and open up our own little bakery, but never get fat. Our favorite TV star Christopher Meloni would come to visit us and buy our canoli whenever he would be in the area, which would be quite frequently. Every weekend we would go to Venice or Cinque Terre and eat gelato at least twice a day. We would never fight or run out of things to talk about.
Kristy Lynn Heidenberger is the only person willing to spend three months with me halfway around the world, and she is the most beautiful girl I know. The Pink Crusader stands about 5’9", weighs much less than she thinks (“I am so ChUnK”), and posses what she calls a BAH (a BigAssHead). She has the crystal blueish green eyes of Venetian glass which are warm and playful like a baby’s smile. She likes her thick blond mane straight and long, but styles it wild and wavy because that is how I prefer it. She has been known to dye the ends of her hair pink and sometimes put it up into what she calls “cinnabuns” in the places where her ears would be were she a puppy. Cinnabuns however, often take a while to perfect ("Uh...one bun is bigger than the other!"). She has great vision but sometimes wears black-rimmed plastic glasses that make her look like a kindergarten teacher. She has a naturally big smile, and (almost) naturally small eyebrows. Above the outside corner of her left eye Kristy has a small birthmark that others often mistake for make-up gone awry. Kristy hates shopping, the movie Love Actually, tequila, and black licorice. She loves funfetti cupcakes, all cute and non-cute animals without discrimination, bargain deals, pink pushpops, diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper, and fortunately, me. Dropping me off at class the other day Kristy says,
-“I heart you!”
-"If by hearting you mean hating, then yes" I counter as I struggle to get out of the car with my things.
-"NO! HEARTING! Hating is not a shape!" replies my pink crusader as she drives off and leaves no room for argument.
A Note to Slosha:If by green eyes you mean blue eyes (sometimes they do look green though) and if by 5'9" you mean 5'7" (its okay I understand I tower above you like an amazon). No worries,these small typos are inconsequential considering the overall strongsauceness of the paper! I couldn't stop smiling when I read it and I just had to postinate it. Canoli with piercing eyes what? Hearting (the shape).
Kristy Lynn Heidenberger is the only person willing to spend three months with me halfway around the world, and she is the most beautiful girl I know. The Pink Crusader stands about 5’9", weighs much less than she thinks (“I am so ChUnK”), and posses what she calls a BAH (a BigAssHead). She has the crystal blueish green eyes of Venetian glass which are warm and playful like a baby’s smile. She likes her thick blond mane straight and long, but styles it wild and wavy because that is how I prefer it. She has been known to dye the ends of her hair pink and sometimes put it up into what she calls “cinnabuns” in the places where her ears would be were she a puppy. Cinnabuns however, often take a while to perfect ("Uh...one bun is bigger than the other!"). She has great vision but sometimes wears black-rimmed plastic glasses that make her look like a kindergarten teacher. She has a naturally big smile, and (almost) naturally small eyebrows. Above the outside corner of her left eye Kristy has a small birthmark that others often mistake for make-up gone awry. Kristy hates shopping, the movie Love Actually, tequila, and black licorice. She loves funfetti cupcakes, all cute and non-cute animals without discrimination, bargain deals, pink pushpops, diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper, and fortunately, me. Dropping me off at class the other day Kristy says,
-“I heart you!”
-"If by hearting you mean hating, then yes" I counter as I struggle to get out of the car with my things.
-"NO! HEARTING! Hating is not a shape!" replies my pink crusader as she drives off and leaves no room for argument.
A Note to Slosha:If by green eyes you mean blue eyes (sometimes they do look green though) and if by 5'9" you mean 5'7" (its okay I understand I tower above you like an amazon). No worries,these small typos are inconsequential considering the overall strongsauceness of the paper! I couldn't stop smiling when I read it and I just had to postinate it. Canoli with piercing eyes what? Hearting (the shape).