(no subject)
Well yesterday went great. I loved all my new teachers, even the ones that were rumored to be bitches.lol Today was just as great but then so many thoughts just started swirling in my head. I felt like I couldnt breathe. I think that it was because some of the girls in my spanish class and I were talking about Claire. She passed away from brain cancer about 4 months ago. When I got on the bus I really needed someone to talk to and i just couldnt. I tried to tell Tim but when I started talking to him, I knew that he wasnt listening. i know that he probably had a billion other things on his mind. So I tried to deal with it myself and then thoughts of all the people that ive lost just poured in. My uncle lane's death, my grandad's and even my brothers'. I never met my brother but its times like this I wish I had someone close to me to talk to. I just wonder what things would have been like if they hadnt died. Would Claire still be as bright and bubbly as she always was? Would my uncle lane still give us those scratchy wet kisses on our foreheads? Would grandad still give us money and say "dont tell your grandmother?" And would my brother and I be the best of friends? God I wish that I could have them all back. When I got home I just bursted into tears. I called Tim and left a message not expecting him to return it. He did call back but I couldnt bring myself to tell him what was wrong. I just felt like he wouldnt understand what I was going through no matter how well he knows me. Then he started yeling and said I was acting exactly like JereLyn. How can I talk to him when he wont even tell me whats going on with him?!!Why does he always do that?! It just made me feel worse. Not the JereLyn thing, the yelling was what I couldnt handle. I dont know what to do, it hurts so bad. This on top of all the pressure of Junior year I cant handle. I think I may go and talk to one of the counselors tomorrow. I really need someone that I can talk to who will listen. I just want the painto go away.