Sexuality wonderments
So I'm feeling better since my last post. Still dealing with depression obvs, but what can you do. Take it one day at a time. I mostly wrote all that so I'd finally have an account of what I think when I'm like that. I never do, and I think writing it out helped a bit. But I'm okay!
I definitely need to get more sleep, and probably start exercising. When I have more energy, I feel less depressed. I just need to get that motivation up. And having more food on hand will be helpful, too. Let's go payday!
Anyway, this post is about some feelings I've been...feeling lately. About the ladies. Heyyy.
So I've been out as bisexual (or poly, really, but I say bi to keep it simple) since about 8th grade? Maybe 9th? I can't really remember. It's been some time, though. I have a girlfriend currently (<3) and am totally happy with her. And I've always liked girls, honestly, since I can remember. I used to stare at cleavage when I was little. XP I had girl crushes on Kate Winslet in Titanic and Emmy Rossum in the Phantom of the Opera movie. It's always been there, really, just under the surface, though negative thinking towards homosexual feelings from my parents made me ignore them. Thanks, folks. :/
But I've always felt more attraction to men anyway. Big men, fat men. And sure, my finer tastes have changed as I've grown, and there's the "poly" part of my sexuality. But it's always been men first, until recently.
I feel like I'm starting to like women more than anyone else. I'm not freaking out about this, mind - just going with the flow, but it's interesting. I don't know if it's a subconscious shift borne of my frustrations with misogyny or my failures in relationships with men but successes with women (well, one woman but). Or if it's just the way my mind, body and soul are going. Leave it to me to wonder about these things, but I do.
I love women, all women. I think of every single one as beautiful in her own way. And recently, I've been kind of "meh" when it comes to men. To the thought of dating men, kissing men, getting physical with men. With women, it's exciting. Arousing. Men, not so much. I don't know when this happened. Maybe when I broke up with Alex. I have no idea. But I sure am enjoying it. XP
It's also had another nice effect. Forever I've always had a weird liking for male attention. I guess many women do, it's natural to want to be liked, to be found attractive. And I really struggled with self-esteem issues in middle and high school, so any time a guy flirted with me, it'd send me into a flurry of fluttery emotions that would normally make me gag. But recently, that's just kind of faded away. THANK THE GODS. Now, when a guy flirts with me, someone I don't know, I can just move on happily. It's cute, it happened, yay for me, let's move on. I love it. Though I wonder now if a women flirted with me, if I'd get those same feelings. o.O Hard to figure out, since girls tend not to normally hit on girls just out of nowhere. Hmm. I'll be sure to make note of it if it does happen, though.
And random writing update: Finally wrote something!
DABB1: 11k words. Whoo! I'm almost done-done with the rough draft. I just need to finish one last scene, and I'll turn it in on the 4th. There's a lot to be revised (esp the crap ending) but it's done enough, so I'm happy!
DABB2: Still at 4.7k words. Haven't touched it.
UndeadBB: STILL NOTHING. It's frustrating. Ideas don't seem to want to come for it. And it's only gotta be 5k words. Ugh. Well, I have one week. Let's see what happens.
I also joined recast_bb because I don't know how to control myself. XP So I'll keep a posting of that as well.
I definitely need to get more sleep, and probably start exercising. When I have more energy, I feel less depressed. I just need to get that motivation up. And having more food on hand will be helpful, too. Let's go payday!
Anyway, this post is about some feelings I've been...feeling lately. About the ladies. Heyyy.
So I've been out as bisexual (or poly, really, but I say bi to keep it simple) since about 8th grade? Maybe 9th? I can't really remember. It's been some time, though. I have a girlfriend currently (<3) and am totally happy with her. And I've always liked girls, honestly, since I can remember. I used to stare at cleavage when I was little. XP I had girl crushes on Kate Winslet in Titanic and Emmy Rossum in the Phantom of the Opera movie. It's always been there, really, just under the surface, though negative thinking towards homosexual feelings from my parents made me ignore them. Thanks, folks. :/
But I've always felt more attraction to men anyway. Big men, fat men. And sure, my finer tastes have changed as I've grown, and there's the "poly" part of my sexuality. But it's always been men first, until recently.
I feel like I'm starting to like women more than anyone else. I'm not freaking out about this, mind - just going with the flow, but it's interesting. I don't know if it's a subconscious shift borne of my frustrations with misogyny or my failures in relationships with men but successes with women (well, one woman but). Or if it's just the way my mind, body and soul are going. Leave it to me to wonder about these things, but I do.
I love women, all women. I think of every single one as beautiful in her own way. And recently, I've been kind of "meh" when it comes to men. To the thought of dating men, kissing men, getting physical with men. With women, it's exciting. Arousing. Men, not so much. I don't know when this happened. Maybe when I broke up with Alex. I have no idea. But I sure am enjoying it. XP
It's also had another nice effect. Forever I've always had a weird liking for male attention. I guess many women do, it's natural to want to be liked, to be found attractive. And I really struggled with self-esteem issues in middle and high school, so any time a guy flirted with me, it'd send me into a flurry of fluttery emotions that would normally make me gag. But recently, that's just kind of faded away. THANK THE GODS. Now, when a guy flirts with me, someone I don't know, I can just move on happily. It's cute, it happened, yay for me, let's move on. I love it. Though I wonder now if a women flirted with me, if I'd get those same feelings. o.O Hard to figure out, since girls tend not to normally hit on girls just out of nowhere. Hmm. I'll be sure to make note of it if it does happen, though.
And random writing update: Finally wrote something!
DABB1: 11k words. Whoo! I'm almost done-done with the rough draft. I just need to finish one last scene, and I'll turn it in on the 4th. There's a lot to be revised (esp the crap ending) but it's done enough, so I'm happy!
DABB2: Still at 4.7k words. Haven't touched it.
UndeadBB: STILL NOTHING. It's frustrating. Ideas don't seem to want to come for it. And it's only gotta be 5k words. Ugh. Well, I have one week. Let's see what happens.
I also joined recast_bb because I don't know how to control myself. XP So I'll keep a posting of that as well.