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CLARINET JOKES
A man walks into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looks
at the selections:
Flute Brains $1/lb
Tuba Brains $10/lb
Percussion Brains $5/lb
Clarinet Brains $100/lb
He asks the butcher why clarinet brains are so expensive. The butcher
replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of
brains?"
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose!
Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and a mouse?
A: You can't hear a mouse squeak over the entire band!
Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an onion! (I would cry if someone chopped
up Clarence, aka, my clarinet. Yes, I have named my instrument and you
should be ashamed if you haven't!)
Q: Why do clarinetists put their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces. (cruel)
Q: Why do oboists put their oboes in clarinet cases?
A: So they won't get stolen! (cruel squared)
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: What do a clarinet and a law suit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. (that's just cold)
Q: If most musicians are either high or low, what does that make an
orchestral third clarinetist?
A: Confused.
BRASS JOKES
French Horn Jokes
Q: What makes the french horn such a divine instrument?
A: Because man blows in, but only God knows what comes out!
Trombone Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead squirrel in
the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on its way to a gig.
Q: How can you tell which kid on the playground is the child of a
trombonist?
A: They don't know how to use the slide and can't swing.
Trumpet Jokes
Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the trumpet and doesn't.
Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end of a
horse?
A: I don't know either.
Tuba Jokes
Two tuba players walk past a bar...
Well, it could happen!
CONDUCTOR JOKES
Q: What do you need when a group of conductors are up to their necks in
concrete?
A: More concrete.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: Why is a conductor like a condom?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.
Five minutes before a concert, the manager is running around in hysterics.
"We can't find the conductor!" he cries. Running out to the audience, he
asks if anyone can conduct. No one. He runs out to the street and asks
again. No one. Finally, in a last desperate attempt, he runs to the alley
where he finds a dog, a cat, and a horse. "Can any of you conduct?" he asks.
"I don't know," they replied, "But we'll give it a try." Each gives it a try
starting with the cat, but he just can't seem to get his ears to twitch in
time. Then the dog gives it a try, but he can't seem to wag his tail in time
either. Finally, the horse tries. "Perfect, that's perfect!" the manager
cries, "Come, quickly!" "You don't think the orchestra will mind?" the horse
asks.
"Trust me," the manager says, "They'll never know the difference!"
Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
Q: If you were in a room with Hitler, Hussein, and a conductor and had a gun
but only two bullets, what should you do?
A: Shoot the conductor twice--just in case.
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one
do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European
Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
Some conductors actually read Greek.
What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.
What's the definition of an assistant conductor?
A mouse trying to become a rat.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the
receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to
hear you say it."
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two
beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
$10,000." the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the
back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
How many musician jokes are there?
Only one--all the rest are true!
Two men were at a bar and one said, "Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was
175." The other responded, "That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do
for a living?" "I'm a physicist." Was the reply. Again came "that's a
coincidence so am I."
This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and
were surprised that they were both brain surgeons.
At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear
that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather
enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you
play????"
Q: What would a musician do if they won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until it ran out.
A little boy tells his mommy, "I want to be a musician when I grow up!"
His mother replies, "But honey, you know you can't do both."
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other
didn't have any money either.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A folk musician with a mortgage.
What do you call a musician who doesn't have a girl friend?
Homeless!
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete
with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano
tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbors did."
You Might Be a Musician if...
your heros are Palestrina and Mussorgsky.
you can sing all of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony.
you begin conducting with a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
you can describe two differences between opera and oratorio.
you can play more instruments than the average person can name.
you try to figure out what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in
stores.
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man,
if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
Flute/Piccolo Jokes
Q: What do you get when you cross a piccolo and a clarinet?
A: An earache.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two floutists playing in unison.
Q: What's the difference between a floutist and a seamstress?
A: A seamstress tucks the frills.
(now switch the t and the f and you'll get it)
Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible.
Oboe Jokes
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his tuner.
Three oboes play in tune the same way three men keep a secret.
(You know, the proverb, "Three men can keep a secret if two are dead.")
Saxophone Jokes
Q: What's the difference between a dead saxophonist and a dead skunk in the
road?
A: There are skid marks infront of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: The neighbors get upset when you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it
Basoon Jokes
Q: What makes a basoon better than an oboe?
A: The basoon burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a basoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?"
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just
be pushed in.
Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they
figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
None. They have a machine to do that.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?
They never know where to come in.
What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
Yeahm, it took two hours to get the drummer out.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the
stage!"
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.
After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music
store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are
over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the
corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
What's the difference between government bonds and drummers?
Bonds eventually mature and earn money.
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny,
Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were
standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time--the other three don't exist.