(no subject)
I've just been going through my friends page in the first time in over a week.
I missed posting on February 29th. That's sad.
I have a good excuse, because on the 29th I was at my grandmother's funeral. That's sad too.
I saw a commercial on History channel (or was it Discovery?) for that special they aired about how the world will end in 2012. With my recent first encounter with death, I think that if the world end's in 2012 it won't be that bad of a thing. I'll probably lose my grandpa before then, but I won't have to deal with losing my parents, siblings, extended family, or friends. And I won't have to feel guilty if I die before them and make everyone sad. We'll all go out at the same time.
But I guess I'm just a tad bit depressed. Soon it won't hurt so much and I'll want us all to have average-sized lifespans.
My mom keeps asking me if I'm okay with Grandma's death or is I'm sad at all. I don't know what to say to that. Of course I am. I just don't have the same way about it as Kelly does. I want to run around and find distractions and joke about everything. It's how I go. But I haven't said this to my mom. Last night we went to my Grandpa's house. It was my mom's turn to stay the night, and I went there to watch the Daily Show with her before going home. The house is slowly morphing into a new place. I started noticing it when Grandma first fell three weeks ago. Yesterday I found that the type of bar soap that was always in the bathroom has been replaced by a liquid Dial pump one of my aunt's bought. The kitchen is filled with actual food (something my grandparents were lazy about the past few years). We've pulled out the "good china" for people to use because they only had two other plates left. And the clutter of books and magazines has been cleared out of the backroom. My mom and I were looking at this when she asked my about my feelings again. She asked if I was sad at all and I said "yeah". She hated that I hesistated. I tried to explain I don't like talking about emotions much, but I suck at that kind of thing. My mom was looking at the dresses my Grandma had in the closet, trying to remember when she had worn them, and when she started crying. I hugged her and she said how she feels so guilty and has so many regrets. She told me to work on things so I don't have that with my dad. (Can't he just not talk or look at me or be who he is?). My mom calmed before my Grandpa heard. She said she's just sick of going to work and pretending to be okay.
I hate that I can't really do anything for her.
Oh shit, time for school.
I missed posting on February 29th. That's sad.
I have a good excuse, because on the 29th I was at my grandmother's funeral. That's sad too.
I saw a commercial on History channel (or was it Discovery?) for that special they aired about how the world will end in 2012. With my recent first encounter with death, I think that if the world end's in 2012 it won't be that bad of a thing. I'll probably lose my grandpa before then, but I won't have to deal with losing my parents, siblings, extended family, or friends. And I won't have to feel guilty if I die before them and make everyone sad. We'll all go out at the same time.
But I guess I'm just a tad bit depressed. Soon it won't hurt so much and I'll want us all to have average-sized lifespans.
My mom keeps asking me if I'm okay with Grandma's death or is I'm sad at all. I don't know what to say to that. Of course I am. I just don't have the same way about it as Kelly does. I want to run around and find distractions and joke about everything. It's how I go. But I haven't said this to my mom. Last night we went to my Grandpa's house. It was my mom's turn to stay the night, and I went there to watch the Daily Show with her before going home. The house is slowly morphing into a new place. I started noticing it when Grandma first fell three weeks ago. Yesterday I found that the type of bar soap that was always in the bathroom has been replaced by a liquid Dial pump one of my aunt's bought. The kitchen is filled with actual food (something my grandparents were lazy about the past few years). We've pulled out the "good china" for people to use because they only had two other plates left. And the clutter of books and magazines has been cleared out of the backroom. My mom and I were looking at this when she asked my about my feelings again. She asked if I was sad at all and I said "yeah". She hated that I hesistated. I tried to explain I don't like talking about emotions much, but I suck at that kind of thing. My mom was looking at the dresses my Grandma had in the closet, trying to remember when she had worn them, and when she started crying. I hugged her and she said how she feels so guilty and has so many regrets. She told me to work on things so I don't have that with my dad. (Can't he just not talk or look at me or be who he is?). My mom calmed before my Grandpa heard. She said she's just sick of going to work and pretending to be okay.
I hate that I can't really do anything for her.
Oh shit, time for school.