(no subject)
I find myself in a most circumspect mood this evening. I am re-reading "Tuesdays with Morrie" and find its lessons even more telling now as they were 10 years ago when I read it the first time. The first time I read it I was around 23 and in a most unique place in my life. I was heavily involved in charity work, had never truly been in love and had business associates more than friends outside of about 5 people whom I spent weekends with. I had tried my hand at many things, but was unsure of where I wanted to be and had not yet found the power of being selfish. Now, at 33 it is like reading a wholly different book. I find myself understanding what it has been to be changed by being in and then losing love, I understand the power of being needed and the power of giving as well. I think that is where I am struck with a feeling of dissonance. I have spent so much of my adult life being part of this charity group or doing this for that other person or deciding if it was me or them, I would rather get the satisfaction of knowing I took the high road. The funny thing is, in the last 4 years I have learned how to be selfish..and I am good at it. Well, somewhat. I struggle daily with the guilt of knowing that I am choosing to work on school, or putting money away for a vacation or ignoring someoneelses constant need for attention because I am putting me first. Trust me, this is not martyrish and I am not looking to be one, but being selfish for me is really a struggle. This is mainly because while doing this the last few years, I feel as if I am not doing anything, not making a difference. I see requests for volunteers, offers to help with events, emails to join or come to symposiums, but I do my best to ignore them. I want to be involved, but at a sacrifice of what?
Perchance this is a lesson in balance. I often struggle with only being involved and not being INVOLVED in projects. Time will tell, but reading Mitchs book reminds me of my greater desires and intentions in this world and reminds me to be aware of how infectious selfishness can be..and how lonely when in the dark places of your life.
hi ho.
Perchance this is a lesson in balance. I often struggle with only being involved and not being INVOLVED in projects. Time will tell, but reading Mitchs book reminds me of my greater desires and intentions in this world and reminds me to be aware of how infectious selfishness can be..and how lonely when in the dark places of your life.
hi ho.