Long night
So here I am again. Another night were don’t sleep. Let me tell you how much it sucks to be tired and WANT to sleep BUT you just can't. Oh it sucks a lot!! But hey what can you do! woOoOo I know I will update my Lj! So here it is for you.
I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and fucking got a grip on shit. After that accident I finial realized that everything bad kept happening to me because I was basically asking for it.
I lost my friendship with Phil because well not only is he a big drugie and does not care about much any more but I just kept fucking up with him. Getting drunk and doing something dumb which I would cry to him about the next day. He was just always taking care of me emotionally. I can understand why it would get frustrating. I feel bad for doing that to him. I guess I just never realized how much that boy took care of me. But it's ok I will be fine without him. I know we will be friends again because we were way to close for to long. It's just our first real big fight like this and it scares me.
After the Chip break up I thought my life would be over without him. At the time he was my best friend and my first love. I was just crazy in love with that kid. I think I would have done anything for him.
Yet, now I really look back and realize how sick I was. How could I let myself get that bad with someone? Let them control my life and my happiness? I should have never fallen in love in the first place. He promised me he would NEVER hurt me, he promised lots of things to me but that is just not reality is it? Promises are broken every day. I think they are just words said at the moment because no one ever really keeps promises with me.
I honestly feel bad for Chip. So much shit has happened to him. I'm not going to say that much of it is not his own fault but I do feel bad for him. I can't hate him for what he did to me because that is just not the type of person I am.
I pray for that boy every day because he is just such a smart person and he is wasting his beautiful life away by doing all these drugs and not going to college and leaving his house. I just hope that he gets himself out of this mess. He used to be the greatest person I knew, a person I wanted to hug and kiss every day and make him happy. But life changes! No one can stay the same forever.
I have just come to realize that people only care for themselves. Don't try and fight it with me because you know deep down you think about yourself more than others. And that is not a bad thing in anyway. I just thought that people cared about other people and I was wrong.
I think it makes my life a lot easer to just know that people don’t care about me. That way I don’t get my hopes up thinking that they do. I just don't need to rely on anyone else. I have for too long. My daddy told me never wait for anyone to give you happiness that I have to be able to have it by my self.
I think I can say that now I do.
I am happy by my self. I do get sad and cry but deep down I am a happy person.
My smiles used to be for someone else, now they are for me.
So that's my life thinking right now.
I'm not sure if it’s really clear because I have not got a good night sleep in over a week. Also for the past ohhh month I have been really sick.
Like bad sickness all over.
Let me tell you NOT fun!
In fact I’m sick right now! WOOOOO
Alrighty Val is up to move her car before she gets another ticket, so I’m going to go with her.
I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and fucking got a grip on shit. After that accident I finial realized that everything bad kept happening to me because I was basically asking for it.
I lost my friendship with Phil because well not only is he a big drugie and does not care about much any more but I just kept fucking up with him. Getting drunk and doing something dumb which I would cry to him about the next day. He was just always taking care of me emotionally. I can understand why it would get frustrating. I feel bad for doing that to him. I guess I just never realized how much that boy took care of me. But it's ok I will be fine without him. I know we will be friends again because we were way to close for to long. It's just our first real big fight like this and it scares me.
After the Chip break up I thought my life would be over without him. At the time he was my best friend and my first love. I was just crazy in love with that kid. I think I would have done anything for him.
Yet, now I really look back and realize how sick I was. How could I let myself get that bad with someone? Let them control my life and my happiness? I should have never fallen in love in the first place. He promised me he would NEVER hurt me, he promised lots of things to me but that is just not reality is it? Promises are broken every day. I think they are just words said at the moment because no one ever really keeps promises with me.
I honestly feel bad for Chip. So much shit has happened to him. I'm not going to say that much of it is not his own fault but I do feel bad for him. I can't hate him for what he did to me because that is just not the type of person I am.
I pray for that boy every day because he is just such a smart person and he is wasting his beautiful life away by doing all these drugs and not going to college and leaving his house. I just hope that he gets himself out of this mess. He used to be the greatest person I knew, a person I wanted to hug and kiss every day and make him happy. But life changes! No one can stay the same forever.
I have just come to realize that people only care for themselves. Don't try and fight it with me because you know deep down you think about yourself more than others. And that is not a bad thing in anyway. I just thought that people cared about other people and I was wrong.
I think it makes my life a lot easer to just know that people don’t care about me. That way I don’t get my hopes up thinking that they do. I just don't need to rely on anyone else. I have for too long. My daddy told me never wait for anyone to give you happiness that I have to be able to have it by my self.
I think I can say that now I do.
I am happy by my self. I do get sad and cry but deep down I am a happy person.
My smiles used to be for someone else, now they are for me.
So that's my life thinking right now.
I'm not sure if it’s really clear because I have not got a good night sleep in over a week. Also for the past ohhh month I have been really sick.
Like bad sickness all over.
Let me tell you NOT fun!
In fact I’m sick right now! WOOOOO
Alrighty Val is up to move her car before she gets another ticket, so I’m going to go with her.