(no subject)
i thought i was doing good, but now i'm not so sure. i think i've just been lying to myself and pretending to everyone else that i was. i'm so reluctant to even write this in here, because it means i'm admitting that things are tougher than i'd like them to appear.
some people cannot really feel the weight of what's happened(-ing). this happened because of the one thing that neither of us could change. the ONLY problem we ever had. being two separate religions determined that, unless one of us changed, there was really no point to dating each other. we're in agreement that the whole point of dating is to find the person you're going to marry... and having conflicting faiths meant we would never be able to get married. it's so completely horrible that i can't even begin to explain so you would fully understand. but maybe you can get the main point of things.
our religions have lots and lots of things in common, but too many contrasting issues to be called the same thing. with both of them, however, we have to stand solid on the fact that if something comes between you and God, it must go. and in both of our lives, our faith is the most important thing we have, it takes top priority.
that's why i couldn't just say 'oh wait, i'll just start coming to church with you. then it'll be okay, right?'. we wouldn't be as good of people as we are if we caved in like that. there wouldn't be an actual yearning for the truth or for wisdom or for whatever you find in Christianity. this is the reason that, as much as i absolutely loathe to say it, the break up was mutual. it's probably the most difficult decision either of us has made, and we are both so utterly miserable because of that. but we did what we had to, and although we're not dating, we are still best friends and can help each other out with it.
it kills me though. it hurts so bad sometimes. i know that no one can ever live up to what me and chris had. it was the most amazing friendship and amazing relationship that i've ever even witnessed. we cared for, respected, and loved each other SO much... but to keep dating would be like teasing yourself with something that, ultimately, you would never be able to have.
the thought that me and him weren't "partners in crime", so to speak, also just made me want to give up completely. he was pretty much the only one of my friends that didn't get drunk, didn't smoke anything (pot or tobacco), or do any of the crap that is just disgusting. i felt like even if i was sitting alone on a friday night because everyone else was partying, i could call him at school and be happier just talking to him than i would be hanging out with them. since i thought i had lost that, i wanted to break down so badly. "Black Rock" by OAR states it perfectly:
"And when you are on your own, not speaking out is like fighting alone and that is the worst damn way to fight"
what was the point? i knew i had more than one outlet to getting plastered and not caring about a single thing. i considered it too. thank God i was just way too worn out to even get out of bed and didn't. i told chris about this, and he said something that made perfect sense. he said if we gave in now, what would all of our fighting have been for in the first place? we'd have nothing left. and it's true.
so now where do i stand?
my heart is broken, not by chris, but by the circumstances me and him were put in. we're still really really good friends, and we talk all the time. we were friends before, we're going to be friends afterwards.
my faith is stronger. James wrote
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
while it's so hard, it's true. and i'm working so hard to console myself through God, not some worthless waste of time that will never solve my problems.
if you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to at least try to understand what me and him are going through.
my heart hurts.
some people cannot really feel the weight of what's happened(-ing). this happened because of the one thing that neither of us could change. the ONLY problem we ever had. being two separate religions determined that, unless one of us changed, there was really no point to dating each other. we're in agreement that the whole point of dating is to find the person you're going to marry... and having conflicting faiths meant we would never be able to get married. it's so completely horrible that i can't even begin to explain so you would fully understand. but maybe you can get the main point of things.
our religions have lots and lots of things in common, but too many contrasting issues to be called the same thing. with both of them, however, we have to stand solid on the fact that if something comes between you and God, it must go. and in both of our lives, our faith is the most important thing we have, it takes top priority.
that's why i couldn't just say 'oh wait, i'll just start coming to church with you. then it'll be okay, right?'. we wouldn't be as good of people as we are if we caved in like that. there wouldn't be an actual yearning for the truth or for wisdom or for whatever you find in Christianity. this is the reason that, as much as i absolutely loathe to say it, the break up was mutual. it's probably the most difficult decision either of us has made, and we are both so utterly miserable because of that. but we did what we had to, and although we're not dating, we are still best friends and can help each other out with it.
it kills me though. it hurts so bad sometimes. i know that no one can ever live up to what me and chris had. it was the most amazing friendship and amazing relationship that i've ever even witnessed. we cared for, respected, and loved each other SO much... but to keep dating would be like teasing yourself with something that, ultimately, you would never be able to have.
the thought that me and him weren't "partners in crime", so to speak, also just made me want to give up completely. he was pretty much the only one of my friends that didn't get drunk, didn't smoke anything (pot or tobacco), or do any of the crap that is just disgusting. i felt like even if i was sitting alone on a friday night because everyone else was partying, i could call him at school and be happier just talking to him than i would be hanging out with them. since i thought i had lost that, i wanted to break down so badly. "Black Rock" by OAR states it perfectly:
"And when you are on your own, not speaking out is like fighting alone and that is the worst damn way to fight"
what was the point? i knew i had more than one outlet to getting plastered and not caring about a single thing. i considered it too. thank God i was just way too worn out to even get out of bed and didn't. i told chris about this, and he said something that made perfect sense. he said if we gave in now, what would all of our fighting have been for in the first place? we'd have nothing left. and it's true.
so now where do i stand?
my heart is broken, not by chris, but by the circumstances me and him were put in. we're still really really good friends, and we talk all the time. we were friends before, we're going to be friends afterwards.
my faith is stronger. James wrote
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
while it's so hard, it's true. and i'm working so hard to console myself through God, not some worthless waste of time that will never solve my problems.
if you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to at least try to understand what me and him are going through.
my heart hurts.