Suburban moms
I'm referring back to this post. I just read that Livejournal no longer accepts HTML, that's neither here nor there. I'm mainly blabbing to myself here anyway, без разницы. Like my old written journals, that were either found and read by my mom or burned in a fire pit, I'd like to keep something of myself for myself. Or if someone finds my journal and they relate years down the line, that would be awesome!
Sabrina would be 50 now! Wow! Sabrina was an exceptional kid and I loved doing whatever she wanted, be it playing with her Barbies in her Barbie dreamhouse, or just drawing. I truly loved her. She was 7 and I was 14. Since I'd been 11, I was babysitting everyone's kids in and around my neighborhood because I loved kids and I had to pay for my younger siblings to have food, afterall. And I was Eldest. My mom and sister and brother--minus my baby brother (who is dead)-- all address me as "Jenn, the Eldest"--it's a joke. My father was certainly never taking care of his kids so I became my family's father. Parentification. I was mainly both parents.
Randi Newman, Sabrina's mom, used to make me sleep with her (nonsexually, but kind of intimately, really--"Honey, can you hold me on my left hip and just quietly talk into my hair?") if she had a bad night with one of her boyfriends and cuddle with her while she cried. New Year's 1980, I left her house with no way of locking up after myself. I left through the backdoor and climbed over the fence, thinking this would be the safest way to leave, and she threw a fit. I was never allowed to babysit at her house again. I was 15.
I don't remember what made me freak out but it may have had something to do with her wanting to touch me? I was freshly out of being molested by my father. I don't recall ever being upset about touching her. I was always upset that Randi ordered pizzas with anchovies. Gross!
I really think this is what led me into endless nonsexual (sometimes sexual but not on my terms, so nonconsensual) "affairs" with "straight" suburban moms throughout my life. I've slept with so many moms all over Arizona and NorCal. I used to keep a list but now I barely remember their first names. It was just my specialty. The "safe", kind of cute (I can't discount that I'm apparently attractive), muscular (I did a TON of sports and working out) girl they'd sometimes make out with, IN PRIVATE! I have such a long list. I probably slept with more moms of dykes than I did actual dykes as a teen. I didn't consider that sex work as it was more... what the fuck are we doing?, for me.
In hindsight, I realize I was a therapeutic tool. "Tool" being the operative word.
When I moved out of my house at 18 I learned of "escorting" and did that for a few years, with women. I have to say that the paying aspect made me feel really bad so while I did charge huge money for access to my body, I asked for very little payment when I provided sex. I really super enjoyed making women get off. So many different bodies and ways of orgasm! It was an encyclopedia of orgasm!
Right now I can see myself at 18 with a very religious woman, whose name I don't remember, and I was called to her house and all I did was kiss her and tell her she was beautiful. I can see the happiness in her eyes even now. She asked if she could nibble my earrings (of course). I'd gone to community college while I was in high school to learn sports medicine and and a large part of that was massage. I was a well-equipped teenager.
I was groomed, by capitalism. I can make $1000 massaging an "old" woman's back for an hour? Yes! No problem. Old being relative.
In the late 90s I did the same. I'd just hang out at expensive places being hyper fancy butch and would inevitably be asked home by some "old" woman.
"What do you do?"
"I'm a DJ."
"Really? Where?"
"Alta Plaza on Polk and California. Come visit some time."
They never visited because I'd go home with them, fuck them and never hear from them again. I definitely don't equate sex with love. Nor vice versa.
I was shocked in 2004 that Laura (a suburban mom without a dyke daughter) spotted me with my entourage of many drag queens and dykes (who were laughing at her in her spotted outfit--I was upset with my friends for mocking her, of course) and approached me in her bravado at Cafe du Nord and we did the same thing I did in my teens. How could she know this is what I do? I have to say I fell a bit in love with Laura. She was not the usual Suburban mom.
She called me almost every night with words of adoration and heartbreak. I'm a stupidly sensitive human who left her body in 1978 and has nothing to lose. I stayed at Laura's expansive home in the East Bay, when her husband was out of town and she sent "her car". She didn't drive, I didn't drive but she had a driver. I never talk about it in my LJ while it was happening because it seemed wrong to do so.
I wish I had but I didn't want to rock her boat, and I also knew it was FOR SURE not going anywhere. We never had sex... I guess. We had make out sessions and cuddling just like Randi Newman. We had intense emotional intimacy. But I can do that with many women.
Laura invited me to get a facial with her on her dime at the San Francisco Centre Mall one time, and it was one of the most pivotal moments of my life, because I refused and while she got her facial, I hung out with her 10 year old son, Ethan. I spent the day with Ethan and did what he wanted. It was more aligned with what *I* wanted to do.
I adored her son, Ethan. He was my buddy and we played a lot of video games together. Which turned Laura on. And then I met Irina.