...and Walk Around in It.
Not long ago, Barmaid Blog reader Ellis was kind enough to use my Amazon.com wishlist to send me "To Kill a Mockingbird," a book I've wanted to read for a very long time, as a gift. I'm not sure how I managed to get through a public high school education and an English degree without ever being assigned to read it - or how I could call myself a movie fan without seeing the adaptation - but I did. I sat down and read it this weekend, and it affected me deeply.
Ellis wasn't trying to tell me something... after all, I'm the one who put it on my wishlist, it's not like he said to himself, "I'm going to send her a message by buying her this book." I think he was just being generous and doing something nice for someone whose writing he enjoys. And for what it's worth, I apologize in general for singling him out in this post.
The novel - which is a masterpiece, by the way, and I'm appalled at myself for not having read it sooner - is not just about a white southern lawyer defending a black man accused of raping a white woman. It's about people's attitudes toward each other in general, and how to gain a deeper understanding of the world around you. The narrator's father, lawyer Atticus Finch, says very early on in the book: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside his skin and walk around in it."
Harper Lee wasn't necessarily trying to tell me anything any more than Ellis was. But this past Saturday, after I finish it, I decide to make a couple of phone calls.
First is Dara, with whom I had a brief but upsetting fight in the Bar a few weeks ago. She picks up the phone and right away says, "I'm so glad you called." We apologize to each other, and then we talk for a while and catch up. We also make plans to get together soon, which we really never used to have to do - we just got together all the time, plans or not. I hope we get back to that point, and very soon.
She tells me she's been out a few more times with Dennis since I've seen her - it sounds like they really like each other. Unfortunately, she's kind of persona non grata right now with the senior broker who originally introduced her to Dennis and brought her along while she showed him apartments. As for whether she's sleeping with him yet, or whether she's still sleeping with Scott, well, she actually asks me to hold off on that part of her personal life for the moment, and I think it's the least I can do.
Next, and with much bigger butterflies in my stomach, I call Jessica. With her, it's been much more uncomfortable than simply silence - we've exchanged plenty of e-mails in the five weeks since the last night I saw her, but other than the first round of e-mails, they've been about anything and everything except the last night I saw her. San Francisco, Evan's job, the apartment, the wedding, the bridesmaids' dress, the Bar... But we haven't spoken on the phone.
"Hello?"
"Jessica, it's Debra."
"Honey, hi!"
"Jess, I need to say something, and I need you to listen... is that okay?"
"Of course."
"I think I understand why you did what you did. And just so it's clear, I know I went along willingly, you didn't do anything 'to' me. But it hurt for a long time. I know you just wanted something special with me before you moved away, I know you asked Evan for his permission, I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I was just so upset already about you moving away, and I was so desperate for some sign that you might not actually leave. I read it all wrong, I kidded myself into thinking there was something deeper there, for a while I even thought I might be in love with you. But I wasn't, and I'm not, I just miss you so much, and I feel stupid for not talking to you about it." I paused. "Okay, I'm done."
"Debra, I'm sorry, I really am. I wish you'd stayed the next morning so we could talk about it instead of running away."
"So do I. I just couldn't think."
Silence. I spoke again. "So, what are you thinking?"
"Well, you're right about most of it, but I didn't ask Evan for his permission. It was actually his idea."
"What?"
"Debra, I told you that night, I'd wanted to do that for a long time. I just never had the guts. Evan said the Jessica he knew would always rather regret something she did than something she didn't do, and he was right."
"So do you regret it?"
"Maybe I regret not talking about it with you beforehand, but I figured you had to know what I had in mind. Come over after the party, bring your pajamas, Evan sleeping in his office? Seriously, Debra, pot and champagne?"
"Okay, well, I was oblivious."
"Yeah, I guess so. I was kind of single-minded about this whole seduction scene I had planned out, I was worried about Evan changing his mind at the last minute, and I just didn't think negotiations were a very good way to set the mood. No, I'm sorry it messed you up for a while, but I don't regret what we did, not one bit."
"What if I really had been in love with you?"
"Honey, I knew you weren't in love with me. I've just been waiting for you to figure it out, too."
"What made you so sure?"
"Because if you were, you'd have figured it out a long time before we had sex. You're not stupid or blind. Plus you're not exactly shy, either. I've known you were bi almost since we met, and you knew I was okay with it, so if you really felt that way you wouldn't have left it unsaid. You're a brave girl, you'd have done something about it."
"Maybe you're right. At least I hope so. But I don't think I'm as brave as you think I am."
"Debra, are you kidding me?"
"What? I'm not!"
"Honey, turn on your computer and read some of your blog. You're the bravest woman I've ever met."
I let that sink in for a minute, and then wipe away a few tears.
"Thanks, that means a lot to me."
"You know what I didn't know, though? I had no idea it was your first time."
"Yeah, well, that probably didn't help. It was pretty amazing, though."
"Honey, it was spectacular."
"It's also all I've had in months, by the way."
"What? What about this Mastercard guy?"
" Warren? I'm not sure, Jessica. We've been out a couple of times, and he's very attractive, I just have no idea what we have in common. I don't know if I want to start something that doesn't make any sense."
"Debra, you need to stop overthinking things so damn much. Do you want to sleep with him?"
"Yes."
"Does he want to sleep with you?"
"I think so."
"Has he given you any indication that he believes sex to be a promise of marriage and children?"
I laugh. "No."
"So what exactly is the problem here?"
"Um... I'm not listening to my inner Jessica?"
"There you go."
"He's coming over tomorrow night for movies and take-out. I even made sure Cassie and Jill weren't going to be home."
"Sounds perfect."
"Jess?"
"Yeah, Debra?"
"That dress you picked out for your bridesmaids is really beautiful."
"I didn't pick that dress out for my bridesmaids. I picked it out for you. The rest of them are just lucky."
Ellis wasn't trying to tell me something... after all, I'm the one who put it on my wishlist, it's not like he said to himself, "I'm going to send her a message by buying her this book." I think he was just being generous and doing something nice for someone whose writing he enjoys. And for what it's worth, I apologize in general for singling him out in this post.
The novel - which is a masterpiece, by the way, and I'm appalled at myself for not having read it sooner - is not just about a white southern lawyer defending a black man accused of raping a white woman. It's about people's attitudes toward each other in general, and how to gain a deeper understanding of the world around you. The narrator's father, lawyer Atticus Finch, says very early on in the book: "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside his skin and walk around in it."
Harper Lee wasn't necessarily trying to tell me anything any more than Ellis was. But this past Saturday, after I finish it, I decide to make a couple of phone calls.
First is Dara, with whom I had a brief but upsetting fight in the Bar a few weeks ago. She picks up the phone and right away says, "I'm so glad you called." We apologize to each other, and then we talk for a while and catch up. We also make plans to get together soon, which we really never used to have to do - we just got together all the time, plans or not. I hope we get back to that point, and very soon.
She tells me she's been out a few more times with Dennis since I've seen her - it sounds like they really like each other. Unfortunately, she's kind of persona non grata right now with the senior broker who originally introduced her to Dennis and brought her along while she showed him apartments. As for whether she's sleeping with him yet, or whether she's still sleeping with Scott, well, she actually asks me to hold off on that part of her personal life for the moment, and I think it's the least I can do.
Next, and with much bigger butterflies in my stomach, I call Jessica. With her, it's been much more uncomfortable than simply silence - we've exchanged plenty of e-mails in the five weeks since the last night I saw her, but other than the first round of e-mails, they've been about anything and everything except the last night I saw her. San Francisco, Evan's job, the apartment, the wedding, the bridesmaids' dress, the Bar... But we haven't spoken on the phone.
"Hello?"
"Jessica, it's Debra."
"Honey, hi!"
"Jess, I need to say something, and I need you to listen... is that okay?"
"Of course."
"I think I understand why you did what you did. And just so it's clear, I know I went along willingly, you didn't do anything 'to' me. But it hurt for a long time. I know you just wanted something special with me before you moved away, I know you asked Evan for his permission, I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I was just so upset already about you moving away, and I was so desperate for some sign that you might not actually leave. I read it all wrong, I kidded myself into thinking there was something deeper there, for a while I even thought I might be in love with you. But I wasn't, and I'm not, I just miss you so much, and I feel stupid for not talking to you about it." I paused. "Okay, I'm done."
"Debra, I'm sorry, I really am. I wish you'd stayed the next morning so we could talk about it instead of running away."
"So do I. I just couldn't think."
Silence. I spoke again. "So, what are you thinking?"
"Well, you're right about most of it, but I didn't ask Evan for his permission. It was actually his idea."
"What?"
"Debra, I told you that night, I'd wanted to do that for a long time. I just never had the guts. Evan said the Jessica he knew would always rather regret something she did than something she didn't do, and he was right."
"So do you regret it?"
"Maybe I regret not talking about it with you beforehand, but I figured you had to know what I had in mind. Come over after the party, bring your pajamas, Evan sleeping in his office? Seriously, Debra, pot and champagne?"
"Okay, well, I was oblivious."
"Yeah, I guess so. I was kind of single-minded about this whole seduction scene I had planned out, I was worried about Evan changing his mind at the last minute, and I just didn't think negotiations were a very good way to set the mood. No, I'm sorry it messed you up for a while, but I don't regret what we did, not one bit."
"What if I really had been in love with you?"
"Honey, I knew you weren't in love with me. I've just been waiting for you to figure it out, too."
"What made you so sure?"
"Because if you were, you'd have figured it out a long time before we had sex. You're not stupid or blind. Plus you're not exactly shy, either. I've known you were bi almost since we met, and you knew I was okay with it, so if you really felt that way you wouldn't have left it unsaid. You're a brave girl, you'd have done something about it."
"Maybe you're right. At least I hope so. But I don't think I'm as brave as you think I am."
"Debra, are you kidding me?"
"What? I'm not!"
"Honey, turn on your computer and read some of your blog. You're the bravest woman I've ever met."
I let that sink in for a minute, and then wipe away a few tears.
"Thanks, that means a lot to me."
"You know what I didn't know, though? I had no idea it was your first time."
"Yeah, well, that probably didn't help. It was pretty amazing, though."
"Honey, it was spectacular."
"It's also all I've had in months, by the way."
"What? What about this Mastercard guy?"
" Warren? I'm not sure, Jessica. We've been out a couple of times, and he's very attractive, I just have no idea what we have in common. I don't know if I want to start something that doesn't make any sense."
"Debra, you need to stop overthinking things so damn much. Do you want to sleep with him?"
"Yes."
"Does he want to sleep with you?"
"I think so."
"Has he given you any indication that he believes sex to be a promise of marriage and children?"
I laugh. "No."
"So what exactly is the problem here?"
"Um... I'm not listening to my inner Jessica?"
"There you go."
"He's coming over tomorrow night for movies and take-out. I even made sure Cassie and Jill weren't going to be home."
"Sounds perfect."
"Jess?"
"Yeah, Debra?"
"That dress you picked out for your bridesmaids is really beautiful."
"I didn't pick that dress out for my bridesmaids. I picked it out for you. The rest of them are just lucky."