Still dazed and confused
I have spent the past week or so attempting to gain further understanding and acceptance of some issues that have been rolling around my head for some time. I must say that as of this moment I am no more informed or secure then I was when I first began to consider these issues. This is very frustrating to me, for as I have stated many times, Patience is not one of my better qualities, I am more of a here now and move on kind of guy. I am aware of one of the situations that is blocking my resolve for one of these issues and while I do not understand why it happens I have just about come to the conclusion that it will never change and I am just going to have to find a way to live with it. Grrrrr again, my damn brain is way to active for me to just let go like that so this is going to be a tough assignment for sure.
Some of these issues are the result of my journey for the past 18 months. Facing what I have faced, enduring what needed to happen and realizing how fragile life can be will indeed change a persons outlook on many things. I can feel that I have changed, and I can understand why my thoughts are different from before my diagnosis, but I do not seem to be able to communicate what it is that I feel and why I feel something needs to be done about it. I suppose there are times when the information needed to resolve such feelings is just not there yet, not ready, not a formal path for one to follow. I also suppose that it could be a good thing to take time to invest thought into these perceived changes so that I can better understand who I am and what I want, but waaaaahhhhh, I don't wanna do that !!! I just want answers and information, is it really all that hard?
I suppose much of this is of my own doings for I have been told that I am intimidating, brash, very outspoken and when I am hurt or perceive that I under attack I tend to get loud and somewhat verbally abrasive. Not the best characteristics for open communication of points of disagreement or misunderstanding. Be it known that these traits are among the list of things I am working towards changing. It looks as though it will take quite some time for people not to default to expecting my old behavior so once again I must be patient and continue to show a behavioral chance. Waaaaahhhhhh again, I don't want it to be that way, I want to be able to say " blah blah blah" and have people accept that as word and move on. Not gonna happen is it ? didn't think so...~sigh~.
You see , I have very strong instincts and all of my life I have put a lot of trust in these instincts and rarely have they led me astray, a few times yes, but easily resolved. The problem comes about when my instincts tell me one thing and thats all I hear. If I do not get an further information then I am left to assume my instincts are correct and this can alter my behavior substantially. Guess what...Waahhhhh I don't like this in particular either, I would much rather come out and say and or question what it is that I am feeling and have the conversation of understanding and be done with it but it is just not working that way for me right now. I just cannot get the information I need to settle my insecure little pea brain. Well if I go on here this is going to turn into a full blown rant and believe me none of us want that so I shall leave this post as is with hopes of adding new information in the near future if and when I ever get it.
Some of these issues are the result of my journey for the past 18 months. Facing what I have faced, enduring what needed to happen and realizing how fragile life can be will indeed change a persons outlook on many things. I can feel that I have changed, and I can understand why my thoughts are different from before my diagnosis, but I do not seem to be able to communicate what it is that I feel and why I feel something needs to be done about it. I suppose there are times when the information needed to resolve such feelings is just not there yet, not ready, not a formal path for one to follow. I also suppose that it could be a good thing to take time to invest thought into these perceived changes so that I can better understand who I am and what I want, but waaaaahhhhh, I don't wanna do that !!! I just want answers and information, is it really all that hard?
I suppose much of this is of my own doings for I have been told that I am intimidating, brash, very outspoken and when I am hurt or perceive that I under attack I tend to get loud and somewhat verbally abrasive. Not the best characteristics for open communication of points of disagreement or misunderstanding. Be it known that these traits are among the list of things I am working towards changing. It looks as though it will take quite some time for people not to default to expecting my old behavior so once again I must be patient and continue to show a behavioral chance. Waaaaahhhhhh again, I don't want it to be that way, I want to be able to say " blah blah blah" and have people accept that as word and move on. Not gonna happen is it ? didn't think so...~sigh~.
You see , I have very strong instincts and all of my life I have put a lot of trust in these instincts and rarely have they led me astray, a few times yes, but easily resolved. The problem comes about when my instincts tell me one thing and thats all I hear. If I do not get an further information then I am left to assume my instincts are correct and this can alter my behavior substantially. Guess what...Waahhhhh I don't like this in particular either, I would much rather come out and say and or question what it is that I am feeling and have the conversation of understanding and be done with it but it is just not working that way for me right now. I just cannot get the information I need to settle my insecure little pea brain. Well if I go on here this is going to turn into a full blown rant and believe me none of us want that so I shall leave this post as is with hopes of adding new information in the near future if and when I ever get it.