another strange dream
I just woke up from a very strange and disturbing dream. I'm trying to remember the details, but it's hard. I was in a house that was supposed to be ours, but it was so strange and unfamiliar. I was young and I was wandering around the house, but I felt as though I had been drugged. I went into the kitchen because I wanted to make tomato salad, so I got tomatoes out of the fridge. I remember that I couldn't get my head clear. I heard people talking in the other room and I realized that it was my aunt and uncle and my sister talking about me. They were wondering what was wrong with me, but no-one came to ask me myself.
Then I was in a bed that I had to share with my sister. I kept getting angry because she kept hitting me in my sleep. I couldn't wake up and I was very confused as to where we were. I felt as though I was drugged or ill or as if I had had a stroke. At some point, my mind cleared a bit only to realize that my mother had come in to see what was wrong with me and she and my sister were talking about me. Suddenly my mother thought it was necessary to put scissors into my vagina. I screamed and protested because I didn't know why she was doing it. It felt like some medical procedure, and she was testing me, but it was very scary. It didn't feel at all sexual or abusive however. She removed the scissors and I fell asleep.
I kept dreaming in my dream (I know that sounds weird, but that's how it was)...and trying to wake up, but it was really difficult to get out of my fog. I somehow ended up walking outside and I didn't recognize the area, but It was so vivid and real that I was certain that I was really there. I thought I was in the US somewhere and maybe it was where my aunt used to live. I walked very close to the road and I could hear the trucks drive by very closely, but I didn't think I was in danger of being hit. I knew that I had to get back to my aunts house, but I had no idea how to do that.
Then I slowly woke up again in the bed with my sister and I was crying. I remember crying and wanting my sister to wake up and ask me what was wrong, but she didn't. She knew that there was something wrong, but she was ignoring me. Somehow, the dream changed back to the street, but this time, I was with my aunt and my sister and we were across the street from a bakery. The woman from the bakery was putting baguettes outside in a basket for people to see. I was still quite foggy, but I noticed that my aunt was covered in bandages and I asked her why and she said that she just had to cover her whole body with special lotion because her skin was so bad. She then had to put bandages on to keep the moisturizer in.
Then she began talking with my uncle about the fact that my cousin, Erik, was back from prison and was in the house. Even though in real life, he's 35 years old, in the dream, he had regressed to about a boy of ten. My aunt said that prison did that to him. He just wanted to play games and play with his cars, so I started playing with his toys and he thought that was great. He had very tiny little cars that I thought were fun to play with. We played awhile together and my mind started to clear a bit. I was clear enough to have my aunt look me in the eyes to see if I was getting better. I told her that my mind was clearing, but that I still had a general fog. I was better able to understand what was happening around me, but I was still slightly confused.
At some point, I wanted to address an envelope, but I wasn't sure of the postal abbreviation for Mississippi. I asked my aunt and she said it was MI, and my uncle came in to confirm it. I then couldn't remember why I wanted to address an envelope, but I finished it anyway. When I finished, I was laying on a bed and my aunt was sitting there with me and my sister was jumping around at the foot of the bed. I asked her where our mother was and my sister laughed sarcastically and said that she had left hours ago to be with her current (now, real) husband.
End of dream
Coincidentally, I had this dream just before I woke up this morning, and then I had therapy at 10am. I talked about it with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it said a lot about the fact that my mother was never really available for me as a child. I also voiced the fact that my sister (who is older than me) seemed to be able to do things that later when it was my turn, my mother couldn't be bothered with (like swimming lessons, art classes, staying at my aunts house in the summer). I was jealous of my sister when I was younger and my aunt was also jealous of my mother when she was little.
My therapist and I determined that the scissor incident wasn't sexual, but was symbolic of how my mother hurt me emotionally. My mother was never warm with me when she had to do something like take my temperature or put cream on my skin or brush my hair. She was in reality quite rough although I don't think she realized how rough she was. I always remembered that my skin would be bright read after she rubbed cream into it really hard, or how my head ached if she put my hair in a pony tail. Or if we went shopping, she practically pulled my arm out of its socket holding my hand.
So, no giant conclusions here, except the fact that my mother wasn't available for me and treated me more like a burden when I was young.
Then I was in a bed that I had to share with my sister. I kept getting angry because she kept hitting me in my sleep. I couldn't wake up and I was very confused as to where we were. I felt as though I was drugged or ill or as if I had had a stroke. At some point, my mind cleared a bit only to realize that my mother had come in to see what was wrong with me and she and my sister were talking about me. Suddenly my mother thought it was necessary to put scissors into my vagina. I screamed and protested because I didn't know why she was doing it. It felt like some medical procedure, and she was testing me, but it was very scary. It didn't feel at all sexual or abusive however. She removed the scissors and I fell asleep.
I kept dreaming in my dream (I know that sounds weird, but that's how it was)...and trying to wake up, but it was really difficult to get out of my fog. I somehow ended up walking outside and I didn't recognize the area, but It was so vivid and real that I was certain that I was really there. I thought I was in the US somewhere and maybe it was where my aunt used to live. I walked very close to the road and I could hear the trucks drive by very closely, but I didn't think I was in danger of being hit. I knew that I had to get back to my aunts house, but I had no idea how to do that.
Then I slowly woke up again in the bed with my sister and I was crying. I remember crying and wanting my sister to wake up and ask me what was wrong, but she didn't. She knew that there was something wrong, but she was ignoring me. Somehow, the dream changed back to the street, but this time, I was with my aunt and my sister and we were across the street from a bakery. The woman from the bakery was putting baguettes outside in a basket for people to see. I was still quite foggy, but I noticed that my aunt was covered in bandages and I asked her why and she said that she just had to cover her whole body with special lotion because her skin was so bad. She then had to put bandages on to keep the moisturizer in.
Then she began talking with my uncle about the fact that my cousin, Erik, was back from prison and was in the house. Even though in real life, he's 35 years old, in the dream, he had regressed to about a boy of ten. My aunt said that prison did that to him. He just wanted to play games and play with his cars, so I started playing with his toys and he thought that was great. He had very tiny little cars that I thought were fun to play with. We played awhile together and my mind started to clear a bit. I was clear enough to have my aunt look me in the eyes to see if I was getting better. I told her that my mind was clearing, but that I still had a general fog. I was better able to understand what was happening around me, but I was still slightly confused.
At some point, I wanted to address an envelope, but I wasn't sure of the postal abbreviation for Mississippi. I asked my aunt and she said it was MI, and my uncle came in to confirm it. I then couldn't remember why I wanted to address an envelope, but I finished it anyway. When I finished, I was laying on a bed and my aunt was sitting there with me and my sister was jumping around at the foot of the bed. I asked her where our mother was and my sister laughed sarcastically and said that she had left hours ago to be with her current (now, real) husband.
End of dream
Coincidentally, I had this dream just before I woke up this morning, and then I had therapy at 10am. I talked about it with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it said a lot about the fact that my mother was never really available for me as a child. I also voiced the fact that my sister (who is older than me) seemed to be able to do things that later when it was my turn, my mother couldn't be bothered with (like swimming lessons, art classes, staying at my aunts house in the summer). I was jealous of my sister when I was younger and my aunt was also jealous of my mother when she was little.
My therapist and I determined that the scissor incident wasn't sexual, but was symbolic of how my mother hurt me emotionally. My mother was never warm with me when she had to do something like take my temperature or put cream on my skin or brush my hair. She was in reality quite rough although I don't think she realized how rough she was. I always remembered that my skin would be bright read after she rubbed cream into it really hard, or how my head ached if she put my hair in a pony tail. Or if we went shopping, she practically pulled my arm out of its socket holding my hand.
So, no giant conclusions here, except the fact that my mother wasn't available for me and treated me more like a burden when I was young.