96 Tiny, tiny tears...
It's sweeneybird's fault. I sent her an email to bitch about the proliferation of SG:A stories that reduce McKay to a quivering pile of sobbing, unmanly goo after 2 hours of solitary confinement... or a paper cut.
sweeneybird replied, "What is it with scientists and their tiny, tiny tears?" which I found really funny and then I found myself writing a SG:A badfic just to make her laugh. I hope y'all find it equally funny and horrifying.
Intentionally bad fic ahead...
Sheppard groaned in annoyance when he realized that McKay had been missing for a few minutes. That damned scientist disappeared more often than Princess Leia’s accent in Star Wars. Rounding up Ford and Teyla, Major Sheppard strode into town and demanded to know what they had done with his pet scientist.
It took less time than he expected before the town leader cracked under the pressure. It was a pity, really. John had rather enjoyed threatening to gouge out the man’s eyes with his spiky hair.
A chagrined guard led them to the root cellar that they had dumped McKay in an hour earlier. As Ford raised the heavy door, John let out a sigh of relief at the sight of his scientist’s pale, tear-stained face.
John climbed down into the hole and held the sobbing scientist as he trembled with relief. “It’s okay, Rodney, the bad men are gone.” He pulled out a hanky, spit on it, and began cleaning the dirt and tear stains from Rodney’s face. “See? This is why I can’t leave you alone for a minute. You need me around to protect you.”
Rodney snuffled in agreement as John finished his ministrations. John held out the hanky to him, “Now, blow.” Rodney blew his nose and drew in a deep shuddering breath.
“Better?” John asked.
Rodney nodded. “Thank you for coming to rescue me, John. I just knew I was going to die a virgin but the worst part would have been that I never told you how beautiful you were - you’re like my own personal guardian angel sent from heaven to protect me.” Rodney’s eyes started to tear up again, “And I don’t deserve you! I’m not good enough for you - I’m lazy and ugly and stupid.”
“Hey,” John said gently. “Don’t talk like that. You’re not lazy.” He patted Rodney’s back and said encouragingly, “At least this time you didn’t miss lunch. We all know how much you like lunch.”
Teyla and Ford led the way back to the Gate as John manhandled the skittish scientist out of the root cellar and onto the path. Sheppard let them get ahead by several yards before turning to the other man and confiding. “You know, Rodney, I always considered myself to be straight but I realized something in those minutes that you were missing. I can’t live without you and your bitching at me. I love our verbal sparring so much that it makes me want to have sweaty manly gay sex with you.” He paused, squinting, “Well, manly for me, your part will be more girly. How does that sound to you?”
McKay’s eyes were shining with tiny, tiny tears as he smiled tremulously at the Major. “Oh, John, I’ve been waiting hours to hear you say that. I feel the same way. But I do have one question…” An embarrassed McKay let his voice trail off.
John stopped walking and tilted Rodney’s chin up with one finger. “You know can ask me anything, angel-baby.”
“Well,” Rodney began timidly, “I was wondering if we could maybe make it official. You know, have a ceremony and cake… and maybe I could change my name to McKay-Sheppard.” He said, flinching as he looked at John as if expecting a blow.
Sheppard lifted his a hand and stroked the chubby scientist’s face, wondering what horrible tragedy in the scientist’s past had so scarred him. “Anything you want, dumpling, anything you want.”
Rodney’s resulting smile was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds; a really thin sun that was crooked and drooped badly on one side. John smirked back at him as they continued walking toward the Gate. Everything was going to be fine - the only question on his mind was whether they’d be able to find an Ancient device capable of impregnating Rodney with his baby…
sweeneybird replied, "What is it with scientists and their tiny, tiny tears?" which I found really funny and then I found myself writing a SG:A badfic just to make her laugh. I hope y'all find it equally funny and horrifying.
Intentionally bad fic ahead...
Sheppard groaned in annoyance when he realized that McKay had been missing for a few minutes. That damned scientist disappeared more often than Princess Leia’s accent in Star Wars. Rounding up Ford and Teyla, Major Sheppard strode into town and demanded to know what they had done with his pet scientist.
It took less time than he expected before the town leader cracked under the pressure. It was a pity, really. John had rather enjoyed threatening to gouge out the man’s eyes with his spiky hair.
A chagrined guard led them to the root cellar that they had dumped McKay in an hour earlier. As Ford raised the heavy door, John let out a sigh of relief at the sight of his scientist’s pale, tear-stained face.
John climbed down into the hole and held the sobbing scientist as he trembled with relief. “It’s okay, Rodney, the bad men are gone.” He pulled out a hanky, spit on it, and began cleaning the dirt and tear stains from Rodney’s face. “See? This is why I can’t leave you alone for a minute. You need me around to protect you.”
Rodney snuffled in agreement as John finished his ministrations. John held out the hanky to him, “Now, blow.” Rodney blew his nose and drew in a deep shuddering breath.
“Better?” John asked.
Rodney nodded. “Thank you for coming to rescue me, John. I just knew I was going to die a virgin but the worst part would have been that I never told you how beautiful you were - you’re like my own personal guardian angel sent from heaven to protect me.” Rodney’s eyes started to tear up again, “And I don’t deserve you! I’m not good enough for you - I’m lazy and ugly and stupid.”
“Hey,” John said gently. “Don’t talk like that. You’re not lazy.” He patted Rodney’s back and said encouragingly, “At least this time you didn’t miss lunch. We all know how much you like lunch.”
Teyla and Ford led the way back to the Gate as John manhandled the skittish scientist out of the root cellar and onto the path. Sheppard let them get ahead by several yards before turning to the other man and confiding. “You know, Rodney, I always considered myself to be straight but I realized something in those minutes that you were missing. I can’t live without you and your bitching at me. I love our verbal sparring so much that it makes me want to have sweaty manly gay sex with you.” He paused, squinting, “Well, manly for me, your part will be more girly. How does that sound to you?”
McKay’s eyes were shining with tiny, tiny tears as he smiled tremulously at the Major. “Oh, John, I’ve been waiting hours to hear you say that. I feel the same way. But I do have one question…” An embarrassed McKay let his voice trail off.
John stopped walking and tilted Rodney’s chin up with one finger. “You know can ask me anything, angel-baby.”
“Well,” Rodney began timidly, “I was wondering if we could maybe make it official. You know, have a ceremony and cake… and maybe I could change my name to McKay-Sheppard.” He said, flinching as he looked at John as if expecting a blow.
Sheppard lifted his a hand and stroked the chubby scientist’s face, wondering what horrible tragedy in the scientist’s past had so scarred him. “Anything you want, dumpling, anything you want.”
Rodney’s resulting smile was like the sun coming out from behind the clouds; a really thin sun that was crooked and drooped badly on one side. John smirked back at him as they continued walking toward the Gate. Everything was going to be fine - the only question on his mind was whether they’d be able to find an Ancient device capable of impregnating Rodney with his baby…