(no subject)
Well, it's been a few days since the "discovery" and I have regained some of my equanimity. I've had so much insight in the last few days, I'm sure this experience, if anything, is monumental in my spiritual evolution.
What I have gathered from self-reflection and discussion with others is that:
99% of the male sex is hardwired to at least want to bed anything they find attractive. This is their sexual template. Women want to be taken care of and nurtured and this is their sexual template. So, the term "sexual addiction" is really one I won't be using anymore, because it really doesn't make sense. If women constantly want to be taken care of, is this an addiction? Men are hardwired to spread their seed.
What it comes down to is dealing with what the Sufi's call 'nafs'. The animal self, the urges, the desires all originating in the lower chakras. How one learns how master these is vital to inner evolution.
It seems that my husband made the division in his psyche for his need of the archetypes of The Madonna and The Whore. This is a common thing-the wife being pure and untouchable and the naughty woman or situation being stimulating. As all the funny business started around the time I became pregnant he saw me then as even more untouchable. Little does he know that most women are more sexual when pregnant.
We've talked in depth about sex, about our lives. His love for me is very deep and I am certain that they were "just fucking". Not that that makes it any the more less painful, but it helps me to understand it from an objective viewpoint which seems to make it more understandable, if that makes any sense.
His willingness to change is believable, so I am going to trust him, or at least try. In the past I would have shut right down in this situation, withdrawn and probably disappeared. In the long run it is very important for the baby to establish a relationship with his father from the beginning. It's very important. The pain I feel now would probably be nothing compared to what the child would feel later down the road not knowing his other half or establishing that deep connection early on. And I know he will be a good father...but I have made it clear no stick usage is happening ever!!
I met with The Whore today, and all I have to say is, how sad. So young and naive. She was a mess wracked with guilt and sorrow. I explained about my pain and about some ways of the world. Bottom line is-if she's a good actress she won't need to fuck any director. She was truly under the impression that they were training for facial expression. Both of them are still!! Amazing what kind of rationalizations the ego can use to support it's own demise. Anyways, I told her that I believed she was a good person and that I would forgive both of them. But, I had one request...to reimburse me for my lost week of work. It wasn't all sweet, I did get angry a bit, but all in all, I felt much better after, because before I had so much animosity in my heart for her I couldn't stop thinking about shaving her hair off or slapping her, or some kind of vindictive thing like that.
We're going to see a psychologist tommorrow. IT should be interesting...I am still staying at my friends house.
What I have gathered from self-reflection and discussion with others is that:
99% of the male sex is hardwired to at least want to bed anything they find attractive. This is their sexual template. Women want to be taken care of and nurtured and this is their sexual template. So, the term "sexual addiction" is really one I won't be using anymore, because it really doesn't make sense. If women constantly want to be taken care of, is this an addiction? Men are hardwired to spread their seed.
What it comes down to is dealing with what the Sufi's call 'nafs'. The animal self, the urges, the desires all originating in the lower chakras. How one learns how master these is vital to inner evolution.
It seems that my husband made the division in his psyche for his need of the archetypes of The Madonna and The Whore. This is a common thing-the wife being pure and untouchable and the naughty woman or situation being stimulating. As all the funny business started around the time I became pregnant he saw me then as even more untouchable. Little does he know that most women are more sexual when pregnant.
We've talked in depth about sex, about our lives. His love for me is very deep and I am certain that they were "just fucking". Not that that makes it any the more less painful, but it helps me to understand it from an objective viewpoint which seems to make it more understandable, if that makes any sense.
His willingness to change is believable, so I am going to trust him, or at least try. In the past I would have shut right down in this situation, withdrawn and probably disappeared. In the long run it is very important for the baby to establish a relationship with his father from the beginning. It's very important. The pain I feel now would probably be nothing compared to what the child would feel later down the road not knowing his other half or establishing that deep connection early on. And I know he will be a good father...but I have made it clear no stick usage is happening ever!!
I met with The Whore today, and all I have to say is, how sad. So young and naive. She was a mess wracked with guilt and sorrow. I explained about my pain and about some ways of the world. Bottom line is-if she's a good actress she won't need to fuck any director. She was truly under the impression that they were training for facial expression. Both of them are still!! Amazing what kind of rationalizations the ego can use to support it's own demise. Anyways, I told her that I believed she was a good person and that I would forgive both of them. But, I had one request...to reimburse me for my lost week of work. It wasn't all sweet, I did get angry a bit, but all in all, I felt much better after, because before I had so much animosity in my heart for her I couldn't stop thinking about shaving her hair off or slapping her, or some kind of vindictive thing like that.
We're going to see a psychologist tommorrow. IT should be interesting...I am still staying at my friends house.