HAPPY NEW YEAR, FUCK NEW YORK!
I am bored and sad.
I miss being in Portland and burritos and excitement and being younger. I miss the fluttery stomach and the long nights out on the town and the nights of studying and having an excuse for not doing anything because of the weather and the fact that your town shuts down at like 10 pm.
I miss my old futon and my comforter that was inadequate unless Chris was under it. I miss my orange room with my windows and my shelves with books I meant to read and mostly never did. I miss private dance parties to the Talking Heads while cleaning my room. I miss being in shape. I miss optimism and self-delusion.
I miss having my friends close by, damn it. This whole spreading around thing is driving me crazy. I haven't hung out with a girl who isn't my roommate in like 2 years. That's long enough. I miss chick time.
I miss not feeling the impending doom. I am turning 27 this month. Does everything just keep getting this mind-fucking mix of slower and faster? Does this mean that I'm going to fart and be 37? The world speeds up as I stagnate?
Routine is fine and all but I'm tired of it. Holy crap the wind just almost blew my door open. It is windy and cold tonight. Not ass-freezing cold, but cold. Respectably cold. Speaking of which, FUCK YOU SEATTLE. God damn it. I move away and THEN you decide to have a proper winter with snow and snow days and tons of sledding down the hills in View Ridge. Oh god, I bet Steven's pass is wonderful skiing right now.
I think I'm just really tired of this city. Sure, there's more sunlight. But it's also New York. Fuck New York. I miss my west coast. I miss home a lot. I miss good coffee. I miss my family. Soon I will have no comforting house swaddled in memories to return to in Seattle, and that makes me upset.
I didn't want to end up so boring, but somehow it happened. What happened to all my fantasies of working at Fantagraphics? What about learning Russian? Of cartoons? Of Aardvark Animation Studios? Living abroad? Spontaneous travel? Doing something I cared about? Being smart? I used to be smart. I can't even understand my thesis anymore. Is everyone as disappointed in themselves as I am? I everyone disappointed in me? I'm disappointed in me.
I'm just fucking jumping at the bit. Come next September, things will get more interesting. But for now, jesus christ I want the fuck out of this city.
Fuck. This is why I don't drink. I get all emotional and shit. I haven't gotten laid in a while. That is probably my problem. Most likely. And having roommates. Not that I don't like them -I do. I just don't want to live with anybody else except Chris. I need me time and I am not getting that except at the gym, and even then it sucks because I don't have any music to listen to because my ipod broke because SOMEBODY DROPPED IT AND WON'T BUY ME A NEW ONE. BECAUSE THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.
I've gained like 20 pounds in the last 2 years. That is disgusting. I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not sure if that's a product of age or cheese heavy diet, but either way it's going to stop. You can't tell by my livejournal picture, but I used to be cute.
I need friends and fun time. That's what I need. Oh also I've been working overtime for like the past three weeks. That is probably contributing to my sour mood.
I want a week on the west coast. A week. That would be fantastic. Unfortunately, I cannot afford that. I cannot afford to do anything. I can afford to pay for my food, and my laundry. My student loan payments and my bills. I get home and I'm too exhausted to do anything except cook dinner and even that is a pain in the ass. Forget about drawing or knitting. Maybe reading if I'm lucky. That's it. That's why Fort56 hasn't been updated in like forever. It's because I'm dead inside, people. Nostalgia is a fucking bitch whore who fucks your dead mother with scissors.
Hahahah! ok I made myself laugh a little. That's good.
I miss being in Portland and burritos and excitement and being younger. I miss the fluttery stomach and the long nights out on the town and the nights of studying and having an excuse for not doing anything because of the weather and the fact that your town shuts down at like 10 pm.
I miss my old futon and my comforter that was inadequate unless Chris was under it. I miss my orange room with my windows and my shelves with books I meant to read and mostly never did. I miss private dance parties to the Talking Heads while cleaning my room. I miss being in shape. I miss optimism and self-delusion.
I miss having my friends close by, damn it. This whole spreading around thing is driving me crazy. I haven't hung out with a girl who isn't my roommate in like 2 years. That's long enough. I miss chick time.
I miss not feeling the impending doom. I am turning 27 this month. Does everything just keep getting this mind-fucking mix of slower and faster? Does this mean that I'm going to fart and be 37? The world speeds up as I stagnate?
Routine is fine and all but I'm tired of it. Holy crap the wind just almost blew my door open. It is windy and cold tonight. Not ass-freezing cold, but cold. Respectably cold. Speaking of which, FUCK YOU SEATTLE. God damn it. I move away and THEN you decide to have a proper winter with snow and snow days and tons of sledding down the hills in View Ridge. Oh god, I bet Steven's pass is wonderful skiing right now.
I think I'm just really tired of this city. Sure, there's more sunlight. But it's also New York. Fuck New York. I miss my west coast. I miss home a lot. I miss good coffee. I miss my family. Soon I will have no comforting house swaddled in memories to return to in Seattle, and that makes me upset.
I didn't want to end up so boring, but somehow it happened. What happened to all my fantasies of working at Fantagraphics? What about learning Russian? Of cartoons? Of Aardvark Animation Studios? Living abroad? Spontaneous travel? Doing something I cared about? Being smart? I used to be smart. I can't even understand my thesis anymore. Is everyone as disappointed in themselves as I am? I everyone disappointed in me? I'm disappointed in me.
I'm just fucking jumping at the bit. Come next September, things will get more interesting. But for now, jesus christ I want the fuck out of this city.
Fuck. This is why I don't drink. I get all emotional and shit. I haven't gotten laid in a while. That is probably my problem. Most likely. And having roommates. Not that I don't like them -I do. I just don't want to live with anybody else except Chris. I need me time and I am not getting that except at the gym, and even then it sucks because I don't have any music to listen to because my ipod broke because SOMEBODY DROPPED IT AND WON'T BUY ME A NEW ONE. BECAUSE THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.
I've gained like 20 pounds in the last 2 years. That is disgusting. I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm not sure if that's a product of age or cheese heavy diet, but either way it's going to stop. You can't tell by my livejournal picture, but I used to be cute.
I need friends and fun time. That's what I need. Oh also I've been working overtime for like the past three weeks. That is probably contributing to my sour mood.
I want a week on the west coast. A week. That would be fantastic. Unfortunately, I cannot afford that. I cannot afford to do anything. I can afford to pay for my food, and my laundry. My student loan payments and my bills. I get home and I'm too exhausted to do anything except cook dinner and even that is a pain in the ass. Forget about drawing or knitting. Maybe reading if I'm lucky. That's it. That's why Fort56 hasn't been updated in like forever. It's because I'm dead inside, people. Nostalgia is a fucking bitch whore who fucks your dead mother with scissors.
Hahahah! ok I made myself laugh a little. That's good.