Changing who you are..
Meh, depressing journal ahead X3
I've just been feeling well...lost lately. I don't tell most people this but...well....I don't feel comfortable in my own body.
It's not a gender issue...more like a race issue.
Those who know me know that I am mixed. My mother was white and my father black. I was raised in a white household in a Swedish immigrant community. I never felt comfortable being labeled..black. Or even bi-racial for that matter. I've always felt that I was "white" I guess you can say. I don't like black stereotypes and even if I may joke at them or laugh at them I still feel uncomfortable knowing that people label me as that. And that combined with my weight I just feel disgusted at how I look.
To be honest if I could choose one body, if God said I will give you one chance to change what you look like. ((And not be a furry :p )) I would...be thin and athletic like I used to be, medium length black hair and well...light skinned...
I guess it is just the stereotypes that make me feel like this the most. The constant jokes about being black at work and at home. I guess they're all just eating me down.
Would be a lot easier if my weight loss was steady and not up and down like it has been lately. And the slight depression from all of this has me eating more again so my weight is going up again and back down when I run out of food. I don't know anyone out there that I can relate to with this to talk to. I know my transgender friends are out there but it's...the same and different I guess...you can change gender (and I have contemplated itt) but can you really change race? There will always be that little reminder to people. Your face, your attitude, your voice, even how you act, It's almost impossible...if not impossible to change race.
I'm not angry that I am part black, I am proud to be part black. I don't know I just wish..I wish that I didn't have to feel ashamed everyday I wake up. I see my stomach, my fat, my scars. Everyday I go into work when my uniform which has stretched out, my belt that can't stay on because it's been stretched. When I go out in public I wear baggy pants and hoodies. Not only because I like them but because I look thinner in them. All of my shirts are stretched and barely fit, I only have maybe 2 or 3 shirts that actually fit right.
My goal is still to get below 220 by Rainfurrest. If I get to that then I will be so happy. Would help my self-esteem, might even help me be more outgoing and help my Social anxiety disorder. I'm so scared to be out alone that I clung to my mate the whole time we were at the con and it was so hard to pry myself from her because I was so scared as to how people saw me. That and seeing all of the cute skinny people there didn't help >_< ((Ok but the huuuuuuge fat guy in overalls did X3. I know low blow but still.)) Too scared to go into the pool even. I think the fursuit will make me feel a lot better once I get it. And getting down to weight as well will help too.
I've just been feeling well...lost lately. I don't tell most people this but...well....I don't feel comfortable in my own body.
It's not a gender issue...more like a race issue.
Those who know me know that I am mixed. My mother was white and my father black. I was raised in a white household in a Swedish immigrant community. I never felt comfortable being labeled..black. Or even bi-racial for that matter. I've always felt that I was "white" I guess you can say. I don't like black stereotypes and even if I may joke at them or laugh at them I still feel uncomfortable knowing that people label me as that. And that combined with my weight I just feel disgusted at how I look.
To be honest if I could choose one body, if God said I will give you one chance to change what you look like. ((And not be a furry :p )) I would...be thin and athletic like I used to be, medium length black hair and well...light skinned...
I guess it is just the stereotypes that make me feel like this the most. The constant jokes about being black at work and at home. I guess they're all just eating me down.
Would be a lot easier if my weight loss was steady and not up and down like it has been lately. And the slight depression from all of this has me eating more again so my weight is going up again and back down when I run out of food. I don't know anyone out there that I can relate to with this to talk to. I know my transgender friends are out there but it's...the same and different I guess...you can change gender (and I have contemplated itt) but can you really change race? There will always be that little reminder to people. Your face, your attitude, your voice, even how you act, It's almost impossible...if not impossible to change race.
I'm not angry that I am part black, I am proud to be part black. I don't know I just wish..I wish that I didn't have to feel ashamed everyday I wake up. I see my stomach, my fat, my scars. Everyday I go into work when my uniform which has stretched out, my belt that can't stay on because it's been stretched. When I go out in public I wear baggy pants and hoodies. Not only because I like them but because I look thinner in them. All of my shirts are stretched and barely fit, I only have maybe 2 or 3 shirts that actually fit right.
My goal is still to get below 220 by Rainfurrest. If I get to that then I will be so happy. Would help my self-esteem, might even help me be more outgoing and help my Social anxiety disorder. I'm so scared to be out alone that I clung to my mate the whole time we were at the con and it was so hard to pry myself from her because I was so scared as to how people saw me. That and seeing all of the cute skinny people there didn't help >_< ((Ok but the huuuuuuge fat guy in overalls did X3. I know low blow but still.)) Too scared to go into the pool even. I think the fursuit will make me feel a lot better once I get it. And getting down to weight as well will help too.