keeping you a secret
julie anne peters, you are an inspiration. even now, 5 years later after first having read "keeping you a secret" the story is so relevant to me. there are some kinks in the issues it addresses because of what i've learned about the queer community in davis over the years, but all the feelings, thoughts, insecurities, and joys she described were on the dot. these are things i've definitely felt before, but now i see them in a different light. it just makes me think of how exhilarating yet scary as hell it is to let someone know you, the real you, with no bullshit. how hard yet essential it is to just be upfront and let the chips fall as they may. i obviously still struggle with this and keeping my confidence up.
it's just awesome because for the longest time, i haven't been able to find a book to just read through in one sitting and not want to put down. i must find more. i've definitely been biased to lesbi-intro novels all these years. well, this, and angels and demons--couldn't put that specific book down either. time to explore. i've been wanting to do this and feel guilty for some reason that i haven't over the years. ah, guilt for things i shouldn't be feeling guilt over.
the end point for the story was the main character, holland (awesome name), starting college. starting her life with a clean slate. finishing up this book was bittersweet. i guess, we never really do get a clean slate. for me, though, this is the closest i'm ever going to get. i envy those that still have a chance to find out what it is they really want to do with their lives [before spending a shitload of money and spending 5 years pursuing a major that nearly broke me]. those who know how they want to make an impact. there are so few people i know who actually have it down to a tee... but anyway, it's the time to make the most of it. why not start with 1 year evaluation? maybe 6? eh, let's keep it simple.
i had no idea i was going to fall this hard for someone this year. okay, mind keep from shutting down from complete heart melting.
at the beginning of this year, i started to see a counselor to see if it would help me work through some of my issues. i had seen a counselor before and from i remember in our sessions, i had a problem with setting boundaries. these were boundaries with family and friends. i don't think i have that problem fully resolved, but the issue stems from me not listening to myself and what i want. i think the bigger problem is just not know what i want. i'm still trying to answer that question. i guess, i get caught up in what others expect of me and i work towards meeting that expectation. then, when i don't, i just get depressed. sounds simple enough to me, now that i think about. with my second counselor, we extended the discussion to include my boundaries with my project mates and not trying to take such a huge portion of the work that i couldn't handle and expect myself to get it all done.
solution: don't have any fucking expectations!
just kidding. on the realsies though, i just get lost in my head and i need to remember that there is no point if i'm not happy with whatever it is i'm doing. also, i need to find my rhythm and go at my own pace.
"so i let it take over me and just try to embrace
the fact that i gotta find my own pace
who the fuck cares about this rat race
i gotta educate myself put shit in their right place"
(a part of my rap for mr. carter)
i know that over the next year or couple of years, it would be most practical to get an engineering job for the sake of having a job related to my major. but fuck that. butt fuck that, actually (no offense if that's up your alley). i just proved to myself this past year that i can do things how i want, without being forced, and have it my way. so, why not apply that to this aspect of my life as well. of course, i'm going to find a way to do tie in engineering with what i actually want to do--whatever that is.
i've approached this past year with caution but abandon at the same time. i've tested the waters. school was tough, as always, but i think the hardest part for me was just keeping my relationships alive. this included my friendship with henry, especially over the summer. we had to walk a thin line between being friends and being project mates. we blew up at each other. that was really intense. i've never had a confrontation with someone like that before. i think the argument started with me saying, "well, how am i supposed to make any changes to the program when you a freaking programming nazi watching over my shoulders?" then, he snapped back at me that i get fixated on problems and it wastes time. he brought up the occasion where i spent the whole day fixing a problem with one of our circuits. i totally saw his point because after asking him for help with the problem it was simply a fried chip, but the circuit had been correct for the whole damn day. i admit, i do get fixated on problems i can't solve and i really feel embarassed/stubborn to ask for help. so i end up taking forever until someone snaps me out of it--something i must learn to catch myself doing because henry will not always be there. it was a bitter pill to swallow that day, since he had just blown up at me all at once this pent up anger he had been holding in. not to mention we were additionally under so much pressure from our boss. we talked through it, though, and were able to get passed it. man, summer was a rough time but i'm thankful that we did see the shit to completion.
in other relationships, i've learned to just let things go and try not to take it so personally when people are busy. i've learned that we're all trying to get our shit together, that we sometimes have to be on our own in our own little world. heck, i've been pretty unavilable but what matters is if people try. i know who my friends are and i cherish every single one of you. shit gets crazy and i'm glad to know we're all here and accessible when the time is right. <3
to put into words what i'm going through with jareb, what i've been through with jareb thus far... i'm learning that there are some things from my past relationships, as in how i approach things, that have changed very little and i'm going to need to confront those things in the future. challenge accepted, bitch.
it's just awesome because for the longest time, i haven't been able to find a book to just read through in one sitting and not want to put down. i must find more. i've definitely been biased to lesbi-intro novels all these years. well, this, and angels and demons--couldn't put that specific book down either. time to explore. i've been wanting to do this and feel guilty for some reason that i haven't over the years. ah, guilt for things i shouldn't be feeling guilt over.
the end point for the story was the main character, holland (awesome name), starting college. starting her life with a clean slate. finishing up this book was bittersweet. i guess, we never really do get a clean slate. for me, though, this is the closest i'm ever going to get. i envy those that still have a chance to find out what it is they really want to do with their lives [before spending a shitload of money and spending 5 years pursuing a major that nearly broke me]. those who know how they want to make an impact. there are so few people i know who actually have it down to a tee... but anyway, it's the time to make the most of it. why not start with 1 year evaluation? maybe 6? eh, let's keep it simple.
i had no idea i was going to fall this hard for someone this year. okay, mind keep from shutting down from complete heart melting.
at the beginning of this year, i started to see a counselor to see if it would help me work through some of my issues. i had seen a counselor before and from i remember in our sessions, i had a problem with setting boundaries. these were boundaries with family and friends. i don't think i have that problem fully resolved, but the issue stems from me not listening to myself and what i want. i think the bigger problem is just not know what i want. i'm still trying to answer that question. i guess, i get caught up in what others expect of me and i work towards meeting that expectation. then, when i don't, i just get depressed. sounds simple enough to me, now that i think about. with my second counselor, we extended the discussion to include my boundaries with my project mates and not trying to take such a huge portion of the work that i couldn't handle and expect myself to get it all done.
solution: don't have any fucking expectations!
just kidding. on the realsies though, i just get lost in my head and i need to remember that there is no point if i'm not happy with whatever it is i'm doing. also, i need to find my rhythm and go at my own pace.
"so i let it take over me and just try to embrace
the fact that i gotta find my own pace
who the fuck cares about this rat race
i gotta educate myself put shit in their right place"
(a part of my rap for mr. carter)
i know that over the next year or couple of years, it would be most practical to get an engineering job for the sake of having a job related to my major. but fuck that. butt fuck that, actually (no offense if that's up your alley). i just proved to myself this past year that i can do things how i want, without being forced, and have it my way. so, why not apply that to this aspect of my life as well. of course, i'm going to find a way to do tie in engineering with what i actually want to do--whatever that is.
i've approached this past year with caution but abandon at the same time. i've tested the waters. school was tough, as always, but i think the hardest part for me was just keeping my relationships alive. this included my friendship with henry, especially over the summer. we had to walk a thin line between being friends and being project mates. we blew up at each other. that was really intense. i've never had a confrontation with someone like that before. i think the argument started with me saying, "well, how am i supposed to make any changes to the program when you a freaking programming nazi watching over my shoulders?" then, he snapped back at me that i get fixated on problems and it wastes time. he brought up the occasion where i spent the whole day fixing a problem with one of our circuits. i totally saw his point because after asking him for help with the problem it was simply a fried chip, but the circuit had been correct for the whole damn day. i admit, i do get fixated on problems i can't solve and i really feel embarassed/stubborn to ask for help. so i end up taking forever until someone snaps me out of it--something i must learn to catch myself doing because henry will not always be there. it was a bitter pill to swallow that day, since he had just blown up at me all at once this pent up anger he had been holding in. not to mention we were additionally under so much pressure from our boss. we talked through it, though, and were able to get passed it. man, summer was a rough time but i'm thankful that we did see the shit to completion.
in other relationships, i've learned to just let things go and try not to take it so personally when people are busy. i've learned that we're all trying to get our shit together, that we sometimes have to be on our own in our own little world. heck, i've been pretty unavilable but what matters is if people try. i know who my friends are and i cherish every single one of you. shit gets crazy and i'm glad to know we're all here and accessible when the time is right. <3
to put into words what i'm going through with jareb, what i've been through with jareb thus far... i'm learning that there are some things from my past relationships, as in how i approach things, that have changed very little and i'm going to need to confront those things in the future. challenge accepted, bitch.