Sorry y'all I'm deleting this journal...sorry i haven't been reading your journals...love you all
i dont really feel like posting in my other journal about this whole thing.
ever since January my life has been changed. And reflecting upon everything that has happened...all the things I have done and experienced. I haven't been depressed since December. I don't really know how to put this all into words...but the people that I've met since I stoped being that girlfriend...my boyfriends...the men I've dated...they have all taught me something I needed to learn.
I needed to learn that I wasn't as ugly and horrible as he made me feel. I started hearing things about myself that I had never really heard before from a guy. Things like that I was beautiful. People who told me I have a perfect body. People who have taught me that my body isn't ugly, that I don't need to be BLONDE that I can be me. All of these people have been the men in my life. I dont have many female bonds. Girls and I don't see eye to eye most of the time, and perhaps I just like to be more laid back and like the way guys act then girls...some girls are really great and mellow...some girls are beautiful and love the way they kiss. But mostly its been the few "Real" relationships I've had.
Will saved my life. Thank you.
And that little s.o.b who stole my heart and went back home to Ohio taught me I was beautiful. That I could stop caring about what the consequences might be.
Kiel who made me believe I was beautiful, special, worthwhile, sexy, and confident.
And now my new friends. The ones at school are amazing, I love my smoking buddies at break. I love being able to be intelectual, funny, and outgoing. I liked that I am liked and not unliked. I like that guys look at me now.
My boys in Waikiki have so much knowledge, talent, and are very genuine. I am learning things I would never learn elsewhere, about lifes and cultures I will never get to experience from their perspectives.
Personally I love that so far for about 3 weeks I've been irresistable. But everytime I go out I get hit on and told things like Im beautiful and I have a sexy body. It's nice to hear that. And then every guy I get to know digs me and sometimes even their friends want me too. Crazy...someone told me that they were falling for me this weekend...not my boyfriend...
it is easy for me to love somebody. i have yet to be in love. where it doesnt hurt so much to live. the more i experience love with my boyfriends and sometimes i learn a little more about what it feels like to be in love. if you can understand it the way I mean it...
a side note...humanistic psychology started out with a reading which mentions this: that the things we think that nobody else thinks can be understood...by someone it is.
my new boyfriend is awesome. i finally feel myself again. after 5 years I finally feel myself and comfortable. My new boyfriend is amazing. He's fine as all hell...you know the expression once you go black you never go back...well try mexican/puerto rican. DAMN! He wasnt kidding. It was like nothing I had ever ever felt before. Well before we had sex. I really liked him. And I like him so much Im going to tell the story.
A Tuesday night the second week of school Nina (my best friend, from Sweden) and I went to Waikiki. In front of International Market Place a group of people get together every night and set up a drum set and sometimes a guitarist and they play beats and then they have rappers freestyling and playing their own stuff...some of these people are my friends. And this is where I meet my boy. The sexiest guy I have ever seen in awhile (Besides the default famous guys and shit) but this guy reeked of sex appeal. I didnt meet him that night...he is a breakdancer...a very very very good breakdancer professional, he says he coreographs his own stuff :) Anyways...I finally met him on Sunday when Nina brought an Elton John CD and wanted them to play Crocodile Rock (HAHAHAHA) and I looked at Joe and I told him I thought he was an awesome dancer and we did introductions and I got my little flirt thing on and was very confident (I always feel confident now a days). And I asked him to breakdance to Crocodile Rock, I contributed 5 bucks to see that shit. And then we got to talking and smoking ciggarettes :) YES! and he had his radio and Wolf (my friend, hes a rapper) and Nina and I decided to go to Jack in the Box and I invited Joe. So we went to Jack in the box and we all talked and laughed and decided to go to the beach and listen to music. And we had a crowd all four of us dancing like we were in the fucking club. And it is affirmitive. I am an excellent dancer, and Joe taught me some more stuff too. It was funny my guy friends are all either hispanic or black or local boys in waikiki (poor english but Im too lazy to go back and change it so instead i make this even longer!) and theyre like "Damn you dance good for a white girl" lol it was funny shit but I took it as a very high compliment cause I like it when I get people watching me. Anyways...we ended up alone on the beach it was beautiful and we talked about really important things and deep things. I mean I told him about being bipolar, about my psychotic ex girlfriend, about being engaged. He wasnt scared at all.
But thats how we met and we kissed...
But I spent the whole weekend with him. I havent slept. I dont want to get into the details of this weekend because Friday night is strictly top secret. It was very erotic and the most naughty thing I ever did. But its so funny we have so much in common in weird ways. Our first cars were Monte Carlo's SAME YEAR TOO, except I had an SS. And strange things like his car at home in Texas is an Iroc Z Camaro. Different year then Will I think he said 87 but Im not sure and his is maroon and show room quality. We watched drag racing on TV and I confessed that the sound of American Muscle at the drag strip is a huge turn on. :) He has a kid back home who will be turning 3. He had a fiance but things went wrong. You know what it doesn't bother me. I thought it would but it doesn't. It's actually attractive. I asked him what it was that got him to go for me. He said it was my eyes, and my smile. He said when a girl can keep eye contact the way I can that means shes got a lot of confidence. He likes that Im smart. It's something I've always felt ashamed of but I can ramble on about psychology and medicine and all the things I've really seen and done....Its just amazing to meet a person like him. He is a really good friend. I feel really safe with him. I love talking to him. He just has a lot of wisdom from his life and from his upbringing. I love when he tells me things about what his family says, its important to me that a guy is a family guy. And hes very protective without being overbearing. Hes not a jealous guy and hes honest and has never cheated and when he says he calls he calls almost to the exact minute and its just so amazing. he kisses my cheeks and I light up, and I even feel comfortable enough to let my accent out. He knows ways to make me smile without having to do anything. He is so beautiful to look at. The most amazing eyes I've ever seen that secretly change color.
Ok and theres a lot more to be said about who he is and how damn attractive he is...no, i actually am not talking about his looks. Im talking about him. He seems like what I want in a guy. I dont really know what I want in a guy. But he seems to be right. oh dont get me wrong, he is incredibly goodlooking. youd want him. hes got great sex appeal. when he dances its just like OMG. I love watching him when hes doing his thing in Waiks. Thats what caught my eye. Then I noticed he was attractive. Then I found out hes got great character. Now I like the whole package. Okay and I have never had a lover like him. It makes every other person I've slept with disappear. It's not even the sex, the sex is good, but i cant wait to feel more comfortable so I can show him what Im made of. Im partially submissive but wait till I give him what he wants, wait till I show him my dominating side. Thats what he wants and he might be afraid of it but I doubt it. We didnt have sex till Saturday but I cant talk about the foreplay on Friday so SATURDAY we started messing around at like we basically were doing the sexual thing for 12 hours. we fooled around and fucked once during the course of 12 hours...it was fun and then we fooled around all Sunday and ended up having sex at like 6 before I went home. IT WAS THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER! I WISH I COULD GOSSIP MORE BUT CIOW.
I WILL MISS YOU.
ever since January my life has been changed. And reflecting upon everything that has happened...all the things I have done and experienced. I haven't been depressed since December. I don't really know how to put this all into words...but the people that I've met since I stoped being that girlfriend...my boyfriends...the men I've dated...they have all taught me something I needed to learn.
I needed to learn that I wasn't as ugly and horrible as he made me feel. I started hearing things about myself that I had never really heard before from a guy. Things like that I was beautiful. People who told me I have a perfect body. People who have taught me that my body isn't ugly, that I don't need to be BLONDE that I can be me. All of these people have been the men in my life. I dont have many female bonds. Girls and I don't see eye to eye most of the time, and perhaps I just like to be more laid back and like the way guys act then girls...some girls are really great and mellow...some girls are beautiful and love the way they kiss. But mostly its been the few "Real" relationships I've had.
Will saved my life. Thank you.
And that little s.o.b who stole my heart and went back home to Ohio taught me I was beautiful. That I could stop caring about what the consequences might be.
Kiel who made me believe I was beautiful, special, worthwhile, sexy, and confident.
And now my new friends. The ones at school are amazing, I love my smoking buddies at break. I love being able to be intelectual, funny, and outgoing. I liked that I am liked and not unliked. I like that guys look at me now.
My boys in Waikiki have so much knowledge, talent, and are very genuine. I am learning things I would never learn elsewhere, about lifes and cultures I will never get to experience from their perspectives.
Personally I love that so far for about 3 weeks I've been irresistable. But everytime I go out I get hit on and told things like Im beautiful and I have a sexy body. It's nice to hear that. And then every guy I get to know digs me and sometimes even their friends want me too. Crazy...someone told me that they were falling for me this weekend...not my boyfriend...
it is easy for me to love somebody. i have yet to be in love. where it doesnt hurt so much to live. the more i experience love with my boyfriends and sometimes i learn a little more about what it feels like to be in love. if you can understand it the way I mean it...
a side note...humanistic psychology started out with a reading which mentions this: that the things we think that nobody else thinks can be understood...by someone it is.
my new boyfriend is awesome. i finally feel myself again. after 5 years I finally feel myself and comfortable. My new boyfriend is amazing. He's fine as all hell...you know the expression once you go black you never go back...well try mexican/puerto rican. DAMN! He wasnt kidding. It was like nothing I had ever ever felt before. Well before we had sex. I really liked him. And I like him so much Im going to tell the story.
A Tuesday night the second week of school Nina (my best friend, from Sweden) and I went to Waikiki. In front of International Market Place a group of people get together every night and set up a drum set and sometimes a guitarist and they play beats and then they have rappers freestyling and playing their own stuff...some of these people are my friends. And this is where I meet my boy. The sexiest guy I have ever seen in awhile (Besides the default famous guys and shit) but this guy reeked of sex appeal. I didnt meet him that night...he is a breakdancer...a very very very good breakdancer professional, he says he coreographs his own stuff :) Anyways...I finally met him on Sunday when Nina brought an Elton John CD and wanted them to play Crocodile Rock (HAHAHAHA) and I looked at Joe and I told him I thought he was an awesome dancer and we did introductions and I got my little flirt thing on and was very confident (I always feel confident now a days). And I asked him to breakdance to Crocodile Rock, I contributed 5 bucks to see that shit. And then we got to talking and smoking ciggarettes :) YES! and he had his radio and Wolf (my friend, hes a rapper) and Nina and I decided to go to Jack in the Box and I invited Joe. So we went to Jack in the box and we all talked and laughed and decided to go to the beach and listen to music. And we had a crowd all four of us dancing like we were in the fucking club. And it is affirmitive. I am an excellent dancer, and Joe taught me some more stuff too. It was funny my guy friends are all either hispanic or black or local boys in waikiki (poor english but Im too lazy to go back and change it so instead i make this even longer!) and theyre like "Damn you dance good for a white girl" lol it was funny shit but I took it as a very high compliment cause I like it when I get people watching me. Anyways...we ended up alone on the beach it was beautiful and we talked about really important things and deep things. I mean I told him about being bipolar, about my psychotic ex girlfriend, about being engaged. He wasnt scared at all.
But thats how we met and we kissed...
But I spent the whole weekend with him. I havent slept. I dont want to get into the details of this weekend because Friday night is strictly top secret. It was very erotic and the most naughty thing I ever did. But its so funny we have so much in common in weird ways. Our first cars were Monte Carlo's SAME YEAR TOO, except I had an SS. And strange things like his car at home in Texas is an Iroc Z Camaro. Different year then Will I think he said 87 but Im not sure and his is maroon and show room quality. We watched drag racing on TV and I confessed that the sound of American Muscle at the drag strip is a huge turn on. :) He has a kid back home who will be turning 3. He had a fiance but things went wrong. You know what it doesn't bother me. I thought it would but it doesn't. It's actually attractive. I asked him what it was that got him to go for me. He said it was my eyes, and my smile. He said when a girl can keep eye contact the way I can that means shes got a lot of confidence. He likes that Im smart. It's something I've always felt ashamed of but I can ramble on about psychology and medicine and all the things I've really seen and done....Its just amazing to meet a person like him. He is a really good friend. I feel really safe with him. I love talking to him. He just has a lot of wisdom from his life and from his upbringing. I love when he tells me things about what his family says, its important to me that a guy is a family guy. And hes very protective without being overbearing. Hes not a jealous guy and hes honest and has never cheated and when he says he calls he calls almost to the exact minute and its just so amazing. he kisses my cheeks and I light up, and I even feel comfortable enough to let my accent out. He knows ways to make me smile without having to do anything. He is so beautiful to look at. The most amazing eyes I've ever seen that secretly change color.
Ok and theres a lot more to be said about who he is and how damn attractive he is...no, i actually am not talking about his looks. Im talking about him. He seems like what I want in a guy. I dont really know what I want in a guy. But he seems to be right. oh dont get me wrong, he is incredibly goodlooking. youd want him. hes got great sex appeal. when he dances its just like OMG. I love watching him when hes doing his thing in Waiks. Thats what caught my eye. Then I noticed he was attractive. Then I found out hes got great character. Now I like the whole package. Okay and I have never had a lover like him. It makes every other person I've slept with disappear. It's not even the sex, the sex is good, but i cant wait to feel more comfortable so I can show him what Im made of. Im partially submissive but wait till I give him what he wants, wait till I show him my dominating side. Thats what he wants and he might be afraid of it but I doubt it. We didnt have sex till Saturday but I cant talk about the foreplay on Friday so SATURDAY we started messing around at like we basically were doing the sexual thing for 12 hours. we fooled around and fucked once during the course of 12 hours...it was fun and then we fooled around all Sunday and ended up having sex at like 6 before I went home. IT WAS THE GREATEST WEEKEND EVER! I WISH I COULD GOSSIP MORE BUT CIOW.
I WILL MISS YOU.