Making Things Difficult
When I have an issue I feel is being ignored, the issue just seems to bother me more. For example, with Josh as of late, all I wanted to do was talk to him about what's going on with us. This thing where we act as a couple (minus actually being together physically of course given the distance) but aren't a couple simply because it hasn't been declared officially confuses me beyong belief. I feel stuck- I can't get over him because of how we are with eachother, but I'm unwilling to cut off contact because I value our friendship so much. And even if I try to move on to someone new, I feel like to do so ruins our chance to remain friends. When he found out I was seeing someone this fall, he stopped calling. The calls only resumed after, in a call to him, I told him I was ending that short relationship. It's just not fair of him to tell me Im one of his best friends, but to bring that friendship to a halt when I see someone else. If he wants me, he can have me. I've told him that time and time again. But he refuses to make the leap in telling me that's what he wants- why is it that I can't be with him OR anyone else. I don't want to spend my time alone because it only leaves me more time to be sad about how things are between us.
And there are great guys out there. Lately I have been seeing one who is just so sweet and fun. I had forgotten what it feels like to be wanted and cuddled and really, it feels great. Things are new at this point and we aren't even refering to eachother as boyfriend/girlfriend but seeing eachother weekly. We get along well and have similar backgrounds and personalities. Last night, he was my New Year's Eve date. I had met him at a party I went to with a friend in her boyfriends house. This guy (Will) was actually there with a date but when we locked eyes at our introduction I was instantly attracted. He showed up outside where I was not long after I got there, sans date. I over heard his buddy asked about the date and Will told him that the girl wasn't really his type and far too high maintainence. When my friend disappeared with her boyfriend, I was left outside with Will and his buddy (who I had been brought to meet but didn't really interest me) and when the party winded down I was left with just Will on the couch in the living room. He surprised me when he moved to kiss me and we ended up making out for a couple hours and falling asleep together on the couch. Anyways, the party was at the same house, and I was officially a guest of my friend again but knew he would be there. I texted him a couple weeks ago and asked if he was gonna save the midnight kiss for me and his response was "of course!" Still, when I showed up last night I wasn't certain if he would only talk to me sporadically and really only show attention at midnight. I got there, just smiled and waved when I saw him and found my friend. He excused himself from the friends he was talking to and hunted me down, kissed me hello, and brought me back to meet his friends, all the while holding my hand. He didn't leave my side the rest of the night. We kissed and cuddled all night. At one point, the tiny girl playing bartender suggested that we sneak off to the room behind the casita we were partying in that they jokingly call the champagne room. We did, and did some pre-midnight making out and heavy petting for probably 20 minutes before rejoining the party. When the time rolled around, we had our long kiss, and while everyone else was still distracted ringing in the new year, we snuck off. He took me by the hand and let me out front to his truck where he had blankets and pillows in the backseat, and we had great sex for close to an hour (classy I know, but actually a lot sweeter than it sounds- the truck was the most private place we had to go given the 50+ people in the house). We got dressed, went back to the party and our cuddling, and eventually found an empty bed to crash in... and have sex in again that night... and then this morning.
He's gotten a little sappy. I asked him on our second or third real date, how many other girls were on his roster. He honestly told me that he had been seeing a few girls here and there, though nothing serious or that seemed to have any potential, but added that since we met, he really hadn't been calling them, or answering their calls. And last night in the truck when we were done, he told me he really liked me and being with me and that he was happy we were spending new year's eve together. When we actually went to sleep, we cuddled up and I slept in his arms all night. I'm definitely drawn to him, and giddy thinking about when we'll see eachother again. But I can't go anywhere with it while Im still constantly thinking about Josh. I think Josh and I need to talk.
He called on friday night (after nearly two weeks of not talking at all) and about 20 minutes in, Will called too. I didn't answer it but Josh made a joke about a booty call calling and it just made me angry. I went off on a rant about that stuff not being funny and that I wanted him to be jealous thinking of me seeing other guys and that I wanted him to want me not to see others. He asked if I was seeing someone, I told him no. I just don't know what to do.