And So it is with a Guilty Conscience that I Carry on The Charade
I did finally get the chance to talk to my boyfriend (or the ex I guess it would be). He called after much pleading from me about 3 weeks after the break up though offered very little explaination beyond "we are never going to be in the same city again." The optimist in me sorta hopes he ended it just to avoid being hurt in the end. The pessimist though thinks it was the best explaination he could give without completely killing me with the real reason.
Be that as it may, I have continued to see both other guys though one, the neighbor, more often than the other. He's growing on me I guess and good for actual conversations where as my football player is not. That one should never be allowed to open his mouth unless it's to say something dirty and even that should only be allowed when he's naked. He seems confused at the idea that i don't spend all my weekends club hopping and the rest of my time in the gym or a tanning bed and I am equally confused that he thinks he should shave his legs and that well, he spends time in a tanning bed.
The neighbor though is open to just hanging out. We've only actually slept together about half of the times we have seen eachother and have spent a fair amount of time on the couch watching movies together and he doesnt ever actually spend the night. That works for me because I am neither ready to be someone's girlfriend nor to be someone's booty call. The one time he did sleep here was the result of a mishap that had me saving his ass from trouble at 3 am. We had sex but had to keep the lights off and be slow and quiet because my girlfriend was sleeping in my living room and I thought it would be rude to wake her with that. Strangely enough, I was much more into it without the lights. I just don't know why. I think he's so cute with his clothes on but get the kid naked and I am over it. I think it's may be the guilt in my head- because with the lights on I am forced to accept that I am sleeping with someone other than my boyfiriend (er, ex) when I honestly would much rather be with him. With the football player I feel less guilty because I know that all there is between us is sex, and not even great sex. He runs over here every so often, we go at it, he goes home. No connection there. The neighbor though, had he not come into my life at such a horrible horrible time would likely be someone I was interested in seeing seriously.
All this sex and relationship nonsense is just too confusing.