Why I Hate Being a Girl
Some days, I am the most sexually aggressive person you could ever come across. Those days are far and few between lately but even at my best, they are still rare. I'm just not very forward. Never have been and I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend why because he doesn't understand why Im shy.
My body isn't perfect. Not many people's are but I am extremely judgemental of mine. I'm a perfectionist in all aspects of my life and years of pageants, cheerleading, friends with boob jobs, and living in a city full of beautiful girls and being in a college whose girls regularly grace the pages of playboy can do a number on your self esteem. To add to the issue- lack of time to hit the gym thanks to an overwhelming school/work schedule combined with metabolism changes (due to decreased activity since Im no longer a cheerleader and to new birthcontrol) have me at a higher weight than I am comfortable with right now. 130 at 5'9 is still by no means over weight or even heavy, but it's not what I am used to, and I know I look better when Im leaner and more toned.
There are parts I like- I have great eyes, beautiful long toned legs, and and God blessed me with a wonderful ass to make up for lack of large breasts.
When I have days when I feel sexy and look my best, I take advantage of them. I will get dressed (or undressed as it may be) and snap a few pictures to surprise my guy. Lately he's been so busy that he doesn't get them right away and by the time he does it's too late to call me back so I feel like they go unnoticed. Then, there are nights like tonight when he has time for me and he'll call and ask me to send him some pictures to get him going and I just can't do it. None of the pictures I take make me feel at all sexy and I just delete them. Of the 50 I might take, he might get 3 and then I just feel like I disappointed him.
I am painfully shy. It's been an awkward issue in our relationship since the beginning. About a month after we started dating we were sleeping together on a regular basis and he was at my place 4 or 5 nights a week. There was a week where we didnt have sex at all and I was so hurt by it because I kept thinking there was something wrong with me and that he wasn't turned on anymore. When I got frustrated and tried to get him to respond to my playful nudging he giggled at me and said "just say it." I got confused and asked what he meant to which he told me "I know you want something and I just want to hear you say it" so I sucked it up and said "Wake up and play with me" and he asked what took me so long and then filled me in that he had been hands off just to see if I would make the move. I just couldn't, nor could I explain why I was incapable of it. Once that first move is made, Im fine- my inhibitions go out the window but I can't handle being turned down if he just isnt in the mood one night. And now that he's so far away, I can't handle him not having reactions to pictures. It crushes me ego and just makes me think that he sees all the flaws I know I have.
He will be here in 2.5 weeks, and I hope that when that time rolls around I will be okay with myself enough to enjoy our time together instead of worrying that he isnt attracted anymore.