Applying For Work
Not long ago a gal I grew up with went out and got breast implants. With implants, they need to be massaged when you first get them to reduce the amount of internal scar tissue (to make them feel more real). Trey and I bullshitted about applying for that position. Well, that goofy bastard had some spare time on his hands and created a cover letter and a resume to send to her (as a joke, of course).
The Cover Letter:
July 9, 2005
Re: Application for Employment
Volunteer Masseur
Dear *****:
Let me begin by congratulating you on your recent augmentation. I am confident that your purchase will continue to bring enjoyment to your life and the lives of those around you for many years to come.
Though we have known one another for many years, you are probably not aware that I have done extensive study on breast augmentation and the need for post-operative care. Though the changes brought about by the procedure can be rewarding, there are dangerous complications that can arise unless proper care is vigilantly maintained. As seen from my enclosed résumé, I possess the training and skill necessary to ensure that you will have the most favorable result from your procedure.
I know you must be thinking that it would be great to have a professional do the post-operative work for you, but you do not want to spend a great deal of money for this treatment. It may shock you to know that I offer this service at no cost to you. I find that my work is its own reward. Should you chose to take advantage of this offer, I am prepared to begin work immediately. Of course, you could do the massage yourself, but as we all know, touching ourselves can result in turning to salt. It is just not worth the risk. I invite you to leave your post-operative care in my capable hands and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
With kindest regards, I remain
Very sincerely yours,
The Resume:
ABOUT ME:
During the 9 years I spent in college, I studied various massage techniques for recreational applications. I also conducted an extensive independent study of breast augmentation and the proper massage techniques necessary to avoid foreign body scar capsule contracture. I have independently verified that consistent, repeated massage over a period of several months drastically reduces discomfort and enhances appearance. I believe that my training and experience make me an excellent candidate to serve as your post-operative masseur.
EXPERIENCE:
FREELANCE VOLUNTEER (Present)
· Assist individuals coping with the difficulties they face following breast augmentation.
VOLUNTEER SERVICE PROVIDER, OUR LADY OF ENHANCEMENT
· Worked with several individuals post-procedure, administering preventative massage to alleviate soreness and to prevent post-operative complications.
· Worked with several individuals who failed to follow a post-operative massage regiment and who suffering post-procedure complications, including “chest rocks” (breast hardening), “google eye” (nipple misalignment), “rock in a sock” (breast elongation), “Alice and her fat sister” (one breast is visibly smaller than the other), “pit tit” (breast(s) fall into the under arm area), “permacleve” (breasts too close together), “bean bag” (misshaping in the breast or breasts), and “Pareidolia Areola” (nipple or breast appears to have developed the likeness of a famous historical figure, i.e., Jesus, Mary, Lincoln, Jackson Pollock, Ronald McDonald).
TRAINING:
THE BO BA TEMPLE OF WAN XIAO
· High in the Tibetan mountains, overlooking the Pi Hua River, lies a small order of Buddhist monks who have dedicated their lives to the study and perfection of breast massage. The Bo Ba monks guided me through the basic “squeeze and drop” augmentation exercise enhanced by their extensive knowledge of Hakomi, Esalen, Chi Nei Tsang and Oshiatsu massage techniques.